(Closed) Engagement [VERY LONG] – Parents not happy, FI frustrated

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I’m an older bee (57 years old, joined last year when my daughter got married) Your therapist is absolutely right – no man would suit your mom. Please try not to let her unhealthy dependence stress you, make you feel guilty or cause tension between you and your fiancee. Although it is normal to feel a bit sadness mixed in with the happiness when your child marries because they’ve started their own life apart from you (I did although I was also so happy for her), your mom’s reaction is neither healthy or normal. Every parent’s job is to raise a happy, well adjusted, *independent* adult. My daughter and I are close still but her husband comes first and I try to watch myself that I don’t become “one of those moms”

When reading your message, I kept thinking of a good friend.

I’ve known her since I was 13…she’s now 58. She’s never married, hardly ever dated and still lives with her parents. Her parents (her mother especially) have always been  very controlling. Our friendship stopped when I was 21- we were supposed to go out on Saturday afternoon to meet for a couple of hours and her parents refused to let her out of the house even though they had known me for years. (I was upset that she never stood up to them.) We reconnected in our late 30s- I was married with 2 kids. Although she had a period of freedom (went away to school, got a job), she hadn’t managed to get an apartment as our city is very expensive), she developed a longterm disability and had to stop working. For last 15 years, her parents have treated her as their servant. Occasionally her mom has blamed her “it’s all your fault, if you had been normal” when I’ve seen someone who is somewhat shy who has been discouraged from having any independence.

 

 Recently a medical crisis has caused her to re evaluate her relationship with her parents (she has stage 4 lymph node cancer and breast cancer.) She realize that her parents especially her mom have been toxic and she’s been told by therapists that she has all the signs of an abused women (the abuse has been emotional, financial and has included food withholding). It has gotten worse as they’ve aged – they are now in their 80s. It has increased with the terminal diagnosis. Initially they told her that they would pay for her to go to a respite facility – they later told her that it wasn’t necessary as they’d ‘look after her’. Unfortunately this means complaints about her being unable to do housework because of chemotherapy for the breast cancer, them watching TV loudly until 2 am and her mom manufacturing crisis the night before she has important medical appointments. It has taken a long time for her to admit how unhealthy this relationship with her mom is and she’s talked about going to a shelter but it’s very difficult with a terminal cancer.

 

 I’m not saying that your relationship with your mom will become as bad as my friend’s but please don’t sacrifice your happiness or feel guilty about wanting your own life because your mom. Yes, it is scary moving out or getting married (even those of us with supportive families feel that for a bit) but the alternative (hardly being able to try like my friend) is so much worse.

 

You have a right to want to create your own family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

By The Way, my friend’s parents have used her for years as ‘go-between’ when they aren’t speaking to each other. That is one of the reasons I beleive why they haven’t wanted her to have her own life. She’s also had the silent treatment for weeks at a time and is also an only child.

As well, 26 is not too young, it’s old enough (my daughter was 25, younger than I was when I got married.)

 

 

 

 

Post # 20
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@BlueMockingbird:  if you are ready to marry this man, you must put his happiness above your parents. If I were reading this from a man, I would be telling the woman to run far away. You are an adult and have to accept that you are a separate human being from your parents. You are going to have to learn to put you and your husband ahead of them. Until you can do that, and tell them that is how it is, you will be stuck under their rule. 

Post # 23
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@BlueMockingbird:  Follow your heart because regret is a terrible thing.  You mentioned that your parents’ marriage is not so great so I wouldn’t take any relationship advice from them.  Your parents are trying to guilt-trip you and retain control over your life, but it’s just that – your life.  I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time.  You deserve to enjoy this exciting time in your life. 

Post # 24
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

That sounds like an awful situation πŸ™ I totally understand the desire to have your parents approval. I lived at home until 22 and my mom and I had (when I look back on it) a pretty awful relationship, even though I didn’t really think about it at the time. It got about thirty thousand times better when I moved out and I could just ignore what I wanted to and listen to what I wanted to! My parents also didn’t realise how lucky they were to have a near enough perfect, trouble free daughter.

Absolutely don’t sacrifice your fiance, if your parents aren’t going to look after your happiness then you need to. It’ll be like ripping off a band-aid, more painful in the short term then if you just comply with them, but much better in the long term because in less than a year you’ll be married and living with someone you really want to live with!

Post # 27
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I notice that your date says 2/22/14. I hope that stays If that’s what you & your FH want. I think the other posters are correct–ur mom is having trouble letting go & no man would ever be good enough”. Marriage is a symbol of joining a family, but it is also the beginning of a new one. Your loyalty & time needs to go toward your own family & your FH. Your own parents will need to adjust & that may never happen in a way that is “hunky dory”. I am glad u are in therapy. I am concerned about you having SI thoughts or feelings of not wanting to wake up. If you in crisis please call: the crisis line at: 1-800-273-8255. Your weight loss & stress are all signs of depression. Continue with the advise of your therapist. Surround yourself with those that are supportive of you & your FH. Best of luck to you & kind regards. Take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

Only child as well. Struggles, but not like yours. Stay strong. Follow your heart & your faith. 

Post # 31
Member
3975 posts
Honey bee

My parents are similar. They don’t like my Fiance. They have thrown tantrums, tried to control everything, manipulate me. If your guy is the one, and he has supportive parents (same with mine too!), stay with him! You don’t need the negativity in your life, and it’s time for your parents to let go. 

 

My parents’ opinion meant a lot, but not when they are being unreasonable and not open to change. I finally decided to ignore them and go ahead with getting married. Surround yourself with good friends and focus on time with your fiance. If your parents cannot be happy for you, too bad, be with people who are happy for you!

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