Post # 46
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
- Wedding: September 2019 - Lodi, NJ
Hi Bees! I’m new here and think I’m waiting? SO and I have been dating for almost 4 years at the end of January. We’ve lived together for a little over a year now. We also have 2 cats :). He is 31 I’m 25. We’ve discussed marriage a great deal and are both on the same page that we want to get married and start a family. He’s told me numerous times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I did become the nagging girlfriend at one point, which inevitably lead to arguments. His premise is that he IS going to do it but he refuses to be pressured into it.
During our most recent conversation, he told me “you never ask me how I feel about it”. I realized I never do, it’s mostly about me telling him how much I want to be engaged and that I don’t want to wait 5 years for a ring.(I’ve mentioned this to him a little after 2 years of dating) After asking him, he says he wants us to be “situated” before it happens. He was on the line at his current job and recently found out he will not be out of work after all. He has money saved up and the only other means of “being situated” he could be referring to would be getting a new apartment. (Our lease is up in June 2019)
I say all of this to say…my birthday is in January and he mentioned that he would be getting me a “big surprise”. He knows my ring size because I told him, hehe. Am I reaching into an empty well thinking that my birthday or our anniversary in January could be it?? We’ve never discussed rings or what I like. I’m not too worried about this however, because he is the type to want to pick it out himself. But we are approaching 4 years..Help! Sorry for the long schpeel.
Post # 47
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
hopefulbee23 : His reasons are BS. There is no reason you can’t get a new apt while engaged. His job is secure (well, as secure as any job today), you’ve been together a long time. With the amount of time you’ve been together I would not wait any longer than January for him to feel “situated”. Life doesn’t work that way. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. You don’t get to a happy place and stay there for the rest of your life. There are ups and downs. If he cant commit by January, you have to realize he’s all talk and no action. These men can string someone along for years with one excuse aftrr another.
Post # 48
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
- Wedding: September 2019 - Lodi, NJ
sunburn : so true. Thanks for your input bee
Post # 49
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
hopefulbee23 : I’d just hate to see another bee waste her 20s on someone who’s not worth it. You’ve given him your early 20s. That’s enough. After January, accept no more excuses.
I hope you come back in Jan and tell us you’re engaged. If not, you will be just fine and moving on to greener pastures while you’re still young.
Post # 50
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
- Wedding: September 2019 - Lodi, NJ
sunburn : I just feel as though it is coming and maybe I should be more patient.
Post # 51
Member
10299 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
vancin86 :
since we are getting older we would be ok with conceiving a child before marriage so we have been TTC since August of this year. All and All I am hoping to have one child and be engaged by 2020 but who knows things don’t always go to plan.
Why do you think having a child is less committment than marriage ? I don’t understand ( I do understand not caring about being married at all, but you seem to want to, so … )
Yes TTC of course , but why must the engagement and marriage be so vague? These boards are full of women who did it this way round, despite wanting to be married, and are bitterly disappointed and frustrated years down the track.
Post # 52
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
hopefulbee23 : Please don’t take the wrong way, I am just trying to understand people on the other side of the spectrum….Like I can never nag someone about this…I wish I could lol but I can’t…To me it’s embarassing and its feels like putting pressure ons someone to do something that should happen naturally. After reading numberous threads, I realized that most women discuss timeline and such and I am the only who is stupid not to. To make the matters worse, I even told him that I am not ready to discuss marriage. He was very much ready to get married and I said not yet. Stupid me…LOL Good for you for bringing this up and not having a problem with it but I fear it can ruin the romantic ascpect of this whole engagement process
Post # 53
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
sunburn : It’s hard to distinguish between excuse and actual reason:) I still tend to think that there are men who just take it slow. I don’t think there are a lot of men who would bring up marriage on a regular basis without any intention to get married. It could be more of an exception but usually men who don’t want to get married try not to bring it up.
Post # 54
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
I don’t think anyone should start TTC before engagament if engagement is important to the, I get it if you are of a certain age and want to start ttc before marriage (still can create a lot of logistica problems)
Post # 55
Member
18 posts
Newbee
I’ll join in 
I’m 22, boyfriend is 23 and we have been together for 3 years, lived together from day 1! Very happy relationship and we are truly best friends. After a little rough patch due to lack of communication, I’m now waiting in excitment instead of frustration. I was officially ‘waiting’ after the first year, so when our 3rd was rolling up with no signs we had a big talk about timelines and all that. It is still hard to wait, but I am very hopeful for a ring by our next aniversary (Oct 2019) as he knows I want at least a year engagement, and we’ve previously decided to marry on our aniversary of whatever year it may be.
He’s spoken with his parents and has plans to ask my dad, as well as had me show him rings I like. But other than that it will be a suprise.
Post # 56
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
vancin86 : This is going to be one of those times that things don’t go according to plan – your plan that is. His plan nat be working out all too well.
And I will never understand the logic that dictates that children require less commitment than marriage. If men got pregnant this would change in an instant.
He doesn’t have to buy you a ring. You’ll carry his child for him. He can delay the proposal as long as he wants without you putting “pressure” on him. Would you like to give him the contents of your bank account while you’re at it?
Post # 58
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
Update: no ring for my birthday, but to be honest I wasn’t super expecting it. He did however tell me (of his own accord, I hadn’t brought it up) that he has narrowed down the ring to two choices, and sent them to his best friend for his opinion and they both agree on one of them. He also mentioned it should be by next summer! Of course, I can’t help but hope for sooner rather than later, but still, its good to know the gears are turning!