Engagement was ruined:,( Depression

posted 9 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You need to see a psychiatrist along with a counselor. Counseling may not be enough, and medication may be useful. Please seek help soon 

Post # 17
5959 posts
Bee Keeper

Obviously agreed that you need major therapy, stat. 

On the bright side, your engagement sounds lovely. Focusing on the part where you go to the bathroom before it happens is… odd. Life isn’t disney fairy tales. Life is messy. Life also has death. You are putting an extreme amount of pressure on your fiance to try to make your disney dreams come true when that just isn’t realistic. I think therapy might help you realize some of these things in a more concrete way. 

Post # 18
2314 posts
Buzzing bee

This is ruining your life?  

I echo what everyone is saying.  You need to continue with therapy (I would get a new therapist), as this is not a normal response to what happened.  

This is a very worrisome post and I really hope you get the help you need.  

Post # 19
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Orange County, CA

Ummm…. I’m sorry if this is harsh. But I don’t understand this at all. Everyone dies. Everyone, no exception. You are so preoccupied with fear of death that you aren’t living.  If you go through life this way, you will eventually reach the end without having enjoyed your life.

Also, I feel that what you did to your fiance during his cousin funeral was horrible.  His family just lost a young member, unexpectedly, he was probably in shock and grieving, and you threw a drama queen fit and made it all about you? That sucks.

Go back to therapy, bee.

Post # 20
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think you know that your thought processes are not normal or healthy. Please seek out a new therapist as well as a psychiatrist. It’s normal to have some fear of death, but not to this extreme. Death is an integral part of life and you need to learn how to cope with it. There must be some reason why you have been unable to develop those coping mechanisms and the right mental health team can help you figure that out and get your health back on track.

I would put the wedding on hold for now. You are not in the right head space to be making those kinds of committments.

Post # 21
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You engagement sounds lovely – OK so you met an odd man at a gas station – this is not something that really needs to register. If that happened to me I’d be lauging about it.

The rest of it really sounds like you have some major issues that are completely ruining your life – what you are experiencing and feeling is not normal and if one therapist didn’t work you must try another. You really can’t let this continue – it is having way too high an impact on you and your poor fiances life. 

Good luck x

Post # 22
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

“Also I wanted to get engaged way sooner so in a way I blame him for all this and say if he would have done it sooner all this wouldn’t have happened. I feel like we are cursed.”

Please do not blame your fiance for this. There is no one to “blame”. The timing of your engagement has absolutely nothing to do with these other events and deaths. This is extremely unfair to your fiance.

Bee, I really hope you take the advice you have been given and seek therapy asap.

Post # 24
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I completely understand your feelings. I have had multiple family members pass away during our engagement. My aunt died from cancer about a week before we got married so we had to fly in for town for that, fly back home, and then fly out again for the wedding for my side of the family. It was hard knowing that “our time” had been dampered and I felt guilty for being so selfish. But that’s life. Things happen. 

It really sounds like you need therapy regarding your death issues and honestly it sounds like you’re really hung up on this. It sounds like your last therapist just wasn’t a good fit. 

Post # 25
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Wow, I am not even sure where to begin there is so much here. Echoing everyone else – you should not be concerned with getting married or having children. Put that on hold. You need to find a new counselor and go back to therapy ASAP and work through some of these very concerning issues. 

I lost my sister very unexpectedly 6 years ago. Before then, I had lost grandparents and dogs but nothing too traumatic. Losing my sister and watching my parents grieve the loss of their child changed my life and how I view death. So I do understand thinking about death and being afraid – that is a very real and normal fear for all humans. I often get spurts of thinking I will die before my parents and they will have to bury their second daughter and be childless. I also fear my parents dying as I am unusually close to them. I get it, death sucks. BUT, it is a natural part of life and I have also learned from my sister passing that I need to ENJOY every second I have on this earth and cherish every relationship I have. Living in a constant fear will consume you and when the time does come, you will not have taken everything out of this beautiful world that you could have. LIFE is about what happens between birth and death, and you are letting it pass you by as you only see the end. 

Also I wanted to get engaged way sooner so in a way I blame him for all this and say if he would have done it sooner all this wouldn’t have happened. I feel like we are cursed.

This is VERY concerning for me. Do not place the blame on your fiance. Are you trying to say that had he proposed sooner, his cousin would not have died? I really hope you did not say this around any of the deceased’s family as it is incredibly rude and insensitive for their loss. Sorry to say but he still would have likely died around the same time, as well as the others surrounding your family. 

I’m so sorry for the losses of your family bee, but you absolutely need treatment.   

Post # 26
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

mattzbabyalwayz :  I would try to see if you can find a therapist that specializes in this particular fear. Anxiety and depression are very common reactions when thinking about death but it should not be this all-consuming and definitely requires a trained professional. Some insurance companies off mental health services that can match you with a specialist in your area.

Some other things: this is not your fiance’s fault for not proposing sooner (you would have thought you marriage was cursed instead), you are not cursed, you cannot redo a proposal, you will get through this

Post # 27
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You either need some professional help, or you’re like 16. 

Post # 28
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Death and grief can make us feel all sorts of extreme and confusing emotions. That part is normal. What is not normal is how deeply you are dwelling on it. Please reconsider therapy. Some counselors suck. But others are really helpful. You just need to find one that works with you. Medication might help, too.

Please know that we aren’t advising you therapy just because. What you are going through is severely altering your life and relationships. Therapy is the only thing that will really help you sort through all of this. But, it won’t be a quick fix. Therapy takes time. It is a process. If you work at it though, I sincerely believe you will find relief. 

Remember blaming your fiance or pushing him away won’t solve anything. He didn’t do anything to cause this. Not taking care of yourself could create an irreparable wedge between the two of you. 

I hope you get the help you need.

Post # 29
1249 posts
Bumble bee

I am going to repeat the advice of the others. Deep breaths and more therapy with a different therapist. You can do this. You will feel better and be able to cope in time. Going to therapy may need to be a long term thing, there’s no shame in that. 

Post # 30
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Not to be mean or judgy, but the whole thing sounds a little selfish to me. His cousin died and you’re bawling your eyes out like a drama baby? And then you’re more upset about people dying on and around your engagement, versus just being upset that they died, or being sympathetic to him that they died. I don’t understand that kind of self-absorption.

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