Engagment Anxiety Help

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MrsPhilly:  I so appreciate you posting this.  I have been with my fiance for 5 wonderful years and engaged for 5 months, but this past week I have been feeling extremely anxious about getting married.

I am typically an anxious person but, these feelings of being scared and nervous are heartbreaking. I am definitely going to check out the site further for some guidance.  I don’t want to lose something so perfect.

Thanks.

Post # 5
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

I am going to check this out right now.  thanks for sharing 🙂

Post # 6
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I went through this exact thing!  I’d wanted him to propose for a while and when he did it, my reaction was “oh sh!t,” and I told hims it was SO cool and thank you.  I said yes, but immediately started thinking “what am I doing? what am I doing?”

The worst thing was that I’d googled what it meant when you have serious cold feet.  The first open-forum  discussion boards said to run and don’t look back.  I was afraid to tell anyone, because i was afraid I wasn’t supposed to feel like that and they’d tell me to break up with him.  I had no doubt that I loved him.   I’m definitely someone who’s afraid of her fears — “I have this fear and I’m afraid of what it means, so I’m going to spend hours obsessing and try to think my way out of it, but what if I’m in denial or we’ll wind up having a horrible divorce, and no matter what I’m sure I’ll be alone forever.” For example.

Then, thank God, I found articles written by actual therapists who said it was 100% normal and not to read into it too much.  Getting married/engaged is a MAJOR life change (if only emotionally), and it’s a lot to process.  Especially if you start thinking about expensive weddings, a house, kids, etc.  It’s not necessarily about the guy.  As soon as I saw that, the fear went away. Turns out, sometimes fear’s just a boogyman.

Post # 7
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MrsPhilly:  Have you had a look at the book The Conscious Bride? It is a fairly short but good book that helps explain why women often have dark or scared or sad feelings when engaged– it is related to a process of separation from your old self and from your family, among other things, according to the book. It helped me, and I highly recommend it for you. It is available very cheaply on Amazon or Alibris.

Post # 7
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Reading all these comments from other brides who have been there has helped so much! Thanks ladies! I love my Fiance very much and can’t wait to marry him, its just all the planning and craziness that gets to me! 

Post # 8
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

MrsPhilly:  hey!

So I found your forum, and it basically hit home for me. I have had some anxiety and our stories sound quite similar. I see you are happily married now since this post was from 3 years ago…. I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk or have any advice of how you got past it. Did the concious transitions thing help at all? I really look forward to hearing back from you!

 

Post # 9
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

discokitty:  Seriously I  have had some anxiety and our stories sound quite similar to what youve experienced. Do have any advice of how you got past it??

Post # 10
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

rmj728:  Wow! We’ve been married for almost two years now 🙂 I think there are definitely situations where cold feet mean run as fast as you can, but what helped me was talking to women in healthy marriages who I trusted would be open with me about their own experiences with fear/cold feet. Finding those articles written by relationship professions really did help, too. I think I just had a less romantic idea of marriage than some people, so when I talked to rainbows-and-puppy dogs kinds of brides, there was a disconnect. I knew I loved him, I may have just been too rational for my own good (fear of being hurt). The famed “Five Love Languages” helped tremendously.

I had lesser amounts of those fears and doubts pretty much up until the ceremony. (I’m someone who keeps tags on things in case I want to return them – general commitment issues.) Then we had our first of four miscarriages shortly after our honeymoon . My Mother-In-Law passed away after an incredibly horrible illness (we sat at her bedside for about three weeks until she passed). MIL’s father  (DH’s grandfather) passed a week after Mother-In-Law, and there were a number of major health emergencies, issues and losses on my side of the family. All more or less one right after another and within our first year.

I have married an incredible man. The love and support he has given me, and that I hope I’ve  given him, is so incredible, and I’ve seen couples who were 10000% over-the-counter about the marriage idea fall apart through less. I am in love with him, but I also feel like it’s deeper and more stable than it might have been if I hadn’t taken an honest appraisal going in. I knew he was human; the challenge has been recognizing that I am, too. 

Anyhow,  we’re 21 weeks  pregnant with a healthy baby girl, and life stopped being as life-y about a year ago.

TL/DR: I really have no idea – I just held on to my seat and prayed a bunch.

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

MrsPhilly :  hi thank you for that. I’m not engaged or married but I’ve been dating the man of my dreams for 3 years and then differently out of the blue the questions “do I love him” “is he the one” just crept into my head and I just keep thinking and thinking about it. Theres no doubt I love him. I just wish I knew how to move past all this and be happy with him 

MrsPhilly :  

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I have been struggling with this exact anxiety problem! I have had GAD/panic attacks for 10 years and now all of a sudden I woke up one day and it started focusing and over-analyzing my relationship. It’s terribly confusing WHY it would happen because I had been so happy for the 7.5 years we had been together. I will go a couple of days to two weeks feeling better and then it will happen again. And the anxiety tears me apart, I start feeling so down thinking things won’t work out or that this anxiety will tear us apart. How do i stop believing anxiety’s lies and reconnect with my amazing fiancé? 

My anxiety wants me to rid the burden of me to anyone and live a lonely life alone! 

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