engagment ring turns out to be a promise ring

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
  • poll: What should I do
    Give it time : (33 votes)
    27 %
    Leave : (60 votes)
    50 %
    Negotiate (pls expand on how to do this in comments) : (19 votes)
    16 %
    Ask the magic eightball : (9 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    It sounds like you guys need to have a serious conversation about what the ring meant- he gets his chance to say what the ring means to him, and you get your chance.  Then you both need to figure out a timeline that works for both of you.  If you’re 6 months pregnant that doesn’t leave you much time to get married before baby, so I can understand if he just feels like that would be too rushed.  That could be what he meant by “not ready”, but you need to speak with him and have a frank and honest conversation.  

    Post # 3
    Member
    1457 posts
    Bumble bee

    So he says you’re definitely engaged, but when you want to decide what season to get married in he said he’s not ready and wants to wait?

    Is he possibly worried about the money side of things having just bought a ring? Or is he just not ready to get married? If it’s the latter then I can see why you’re confused and upset. Was he hoping for a long engagement or did he just get engaged so you would stop moaning but isn’t actually ready to get married yet? This is really important as me and my partner are planning to get engaged this year, but have agreed we wont get married for another few years due to financial reasons such as wanting to buy a house first. I would get married tomorrow if we could afford it, but we can’t. So I think you need to ask him exactly why he is not ready to pick a date and what kind of timeline he was thinking of before telling everyone you’re not engaged and not wearing the ring. 

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    9527 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    If your baby is due in 3 months how are you picking a season to marry in? If you want to marry before the baby then you are pretty stuck and you need to get it.

    his attitude is off putting. A gift horse? Hmm. The conversation doesn’t sound very constructive 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1945 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I read it as OP wanting to pick WHEN to marry, before baby arrives, not saying she wants to be married by the time baby arrives. (Pick a season of a year as in “ok let’s marry spring 2018”). I just think she wants an approximate timeline set to feel the engagement is real, meanwhile her BF/FI doesn’t want to commit to a date sometime in the next year/few years (he wants to think about it after baby arrives and OP thinks baby will distract and take away focus from picking a date to get married, better decide Now, type of thing). 

    Maybe I read it wrong.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2180 posts
    Buzzing bee

    parkave123 :  I’d take him up on his little passive aggressive punk-ass offer to “go it alone”, honestly. Stay at a parent or friend’s house while you figure out what you want. He wants the status of being engaged without actually marrying you, and what you think about it is irrelevant.

    He gifted you a ring, confirmed that you were now engaged to be married, then tried to act like you’re the asshole for taking it seriously? Told you that your options in this conflict are ‘get over it’ or ‘break up’? Who wants a lifetime of that shit?

    Post # 7
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2026

    People have years long engagements. You asked if you guys were engaged, he said yes, so pick a date after the baby arrives.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1945 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    For what it’s worth I do think taking a few months of enjoying just being engaged before setting a date for the wedding is pretty understandable. Needing to set a date right away is a bit extreme in my view.

    When people asked me after I got engaged I would just say “we just got engaged, we are gonna enjoy that first of all, no planning until after the summer!” (leaving us 3 months of just engaged bliss without any wedding planning stress). 

    Post # 9
    Member
    9812 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    There’s a lot of poor communication and passive aggressive behavior going on by both of you. You decided it wasn’t an engagement ring, stopped wearing, and stopped telling people you were engaged when he said he wanted to wait till the baby was born to stop planning and he responded with hurt and anger. 

    You need to have a conversation with him – the conversation you should have had instead of throwing a hissy fit when he said he wanted to wait to plan until the baby was born. You need to ask why he wants to wait to plan and then explain why you don’t. Listen to each other’s perspectives and figure out a compromise.

    ETA:  I don’t know anyone who had a date picked just a couple weeks after getting engaged. We took a month to pick ours and lots of people take a few months to enjoy the engagement. You don’t have to pick a date ASAP to be engaged.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6845 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    A gift horse? Threatening the mother of his child that she’s ‘welcome any time to go it alone’ because you don’t see eye to eye on setting a wedding date? He’s right–he’s not mature enough to get married.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5884 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    parkave123 :  Hmmm….really hard to form a full opinion based on the small amount of info provided.  A man who threatens that “you are welcome to go it alone any time” when you two are expecting a child together sounds like a real a-hole and like the kind of perosn who might give a “shut her up ring” as a tool to manipulate you.  But on the other hand, a man who thinks that he’s just proposed and gotten engaged and then finds that his wife-to-be is pouting and refusing to wear the ring because he hasn’t set a date within 7 days may be feeling wounded and lashing out (childish yes, but aren’t we all imperfect?).

    So I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds to me like he proposed, with a ring, and he has every intention of marrying you.  You guys are in a bit of a complex situation given that you are expecting a baby at the same time as being engaged.  I can completely understand how he might feel overwhelmed and like he doesn’t want to focus on wedding planning until after the baby comes.

    I’d sit down and talk with him.  Talk about what being engaged means to you and ask him what being engaged means to him.  To me, by the time I was engaged I was SO READY to get married and we started wedding planning immedietly.  For some others, they just want to luxuriate in their new status for a while and spend time before they even begin to think about concrete wedding plans.  Either is fine, the key is getting on the same page.  It could also be a good time to talk about big picture expectations you have for the wedding – size, buget, etc.  Some men are scared of the wedding more than the marriage because they think it’ll be a stressful and expensive ordeal that will turn their partner into an unrecognizable monster (thanks, media, for that stereotype). 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6320 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Based on his responses I do think you need to have a conversation. I also have to tell you that the first year of parenthood can be really intense and challenging and if he’s telling you not to look a gift horse in the mouth and you’re welcome to go it alone about a wedding and marriage, you’re likely going to have a really difficult first year parenting together.

    I would hold off on wedding planning and see how he does as a father first. You may realize that you’re not all that interested in keeping him around since becoming a mother has a way of making priorities really crystal clear and he sounds like he’s not ready for the realities of adulthood/fatherhood or husbanding.

    Post # 15
    Member
    681 posts
    Busy bee

    Would you be with him if you weren’t pregnant with his baby? He sounds pretty gross and not someone you’d want to hitch your wagon to for life.

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