Post # 1
My SO and I have been having deep discussion on when a couple should get engaged. And we are not seeing eye to eye. Here’s a little background. We have been together for two years. I’m 22 and he’s 23. I’m in college working on BS will be done in less than a year and he’s going back soon to finish up on his BS. I love my SO to pieces and I know he loves me. We are so in love and head over heels. We have been through things together and been there/helped each other through challenging moments in our lives. I know he is the man for me and I DO without a doubt want to be with him and no one else. And I do want to be his wife and have a family with him one day. We have gone ring shopping and had talks about the future and he’s been tip toeing about the idea to see what I think about the whole things.
Here’s the problem. I feel like he’s going to be popping the question soon. I know some of you bees who are waiting on their SO may want to shoot me for saying this but I don’t think I’m fully ready because I feel I’m not together as in not where I want to be in life. I say this because when I get engaged I want to have graduated from college and have my career going and myself together. I also feel how you can become engaged to someone when WE BOTH are not finically ready to pay for a wedding. He feels that love and making that step isn’t about that and its nothing wrong with building yourself with a person by your side. He says maybe we can be engaged a little longer to save for a wedding .Which I agree somewhat, but I want to wait until after I graduate. I feel like that’s not how I want things to be when I get engaged to have to wait longer than 2 years to get married. I know some may say it may be something deeper about the relationship but it’s not, it’s really just what I said. I’m kind of an anal person I like to plan things out and I want things to go as plan. I don’t want that feeling if he ask anyway and I say yes but that part me think I should have said no beacuse of my reasons above.
Am I just being a brat by wanting things my way or are these valid points I’m making can you bees give me your input on this topic? When should a couple get engaged?
Post # 3
I have to admit, I am the same way as you, as is my Fiance. We both wanted to wait until we had money saved up, our careers were set and we had been though a few rough times before we said “yes”. In the end, I really liked that decision. I was in a relationship through most of university with “the one” who ended up not being the one. As much as you change in high school and through post-sec, you change afterwards as well. Sometimes our life paths can strengthen those relationships and sometimes they are made weaker.
Not to say that your relationship will be weak, but there is nothing wrong with having life experiences, career and more time to ensure that you are truly going to be financially compatible, emotionally available life partners.
I would sit with your SO and explain that you really don’t see engagment as “the next step” as much as a pre-lude to marriage. I am also not a huge fan of long engagements (I know they work for others, but not for me!) and I did not want to have to wait to save money, or wait to get a career. For my Fiance and I, it is nice knowing that as soon as we are married we can buy a house and start a family without worrying about finances, jobs, careers or being settled.
Post # 4
I think its fine to get engaged now and have a longer engagement. Friends of mine were engaged over 2 years while she finished her degree. There is nothing wrong with that! So if he proposes now say yes and deal with the wedding later!
Post # 5
@takemyhand: You spelled it out for me the way I need to explain it to him. I think if I explain it to him the way you did I think we will be on the same page. To him he may feel I’m rejecting him or don’t want to be with him or I’m just trying to have things my way which is not the case this time lol. Thank you
Post # 6
@MrsVMT: Glad to help! Hopefully he understands where you are coming from and can keep that ring for a bit later 😉 In the meantime, maybe after talking to him about these things you can set some financial goals so that by the time you are both in a career you have a good nest egg and some money set aside for a great wedding!
Post # 7
@MrsVMT: I think waiting in this case and your reasons are very mature and responsible ways to view it, and you are absolutely not being a brat!
Post # 8
@MrsVMT: you sound very mature and confident. there is nothing wrong with a long engagement. if you get engaged, it doesn’t mean that you have to set a date and start the wedding plans immediately. my Fiance proposed to me after 2 months of dating. i accepted but still wanted to wait to plan the wedding. there were other things we needed and wanted to accomplish. we just started to plan the wedding a couple of months ago. our family and friends were so delighted. by the time we get married, our engagement would be 2.5 yrs long. there’s no rule or protocol with these things.
Post # 9
If the moment comes where he hints just mention that you don’t mind waiting a year or so to get engaged since you are still in college. But either that or just have a long engagement. My sister got engaged in college after only like 6 months and thats what she did they just had like a 3 year engagement.
Yea i prolly would have rather my FH propose earlier but atleast now i’m set in my career. I would have been SOL on paying for this wedding otherwise. But i would have been ready a year ago too. Doesn’t make a huge dif tho. Now atleast we got our house so we don’t have to worry about buying a house and wedding planning at the same time.
Post # 10
I think it is important that both the relationship and you as individuals are ready to be married before getting engaged.
You are NOT a brat for not being ready yet. And I do not think you should “just have a long engagement” if you are not ready!
As was said above, I would sit down and talk to your SO about what being engaged means to you. I too never saw engagement as a “next step”, but rather as something you did when you were genuinely ready to get married. I know some people have long engagements for the relationship to move more toward marriage, but to me (and my husband) that was not what an engagement meant for us (once we were engaged, we wanted to be married as soon as possible!).
If you are not individually READY yet for marriage (and engagement), then certainly do not get engaged yet!