- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2016
I’ve seen quite a few posts on here about engagements that have been called off so I figured this would be a good place to come for some advice. I will give you the back story to my situation and then explain the dilemma- just a heads up this will be a long one but if you’re taking the time to read this I truly appreciate it.
My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years. The first bit of our relationship was great however, after about 6 months in I found some emails on his computer (incognito window) that showed he was using casual encounter websites to send inappropriate photos and messages to other people. According to him he only sent the messages (which included his phone number) but never followed through with his planned actions. What he said was that he gets urges to send these messages and then zones out and acts on it without thinking, but does not follow up with any of the people. He said that he does not have much control over it and that he would be willing to seek help or go to counselling for it. I didn’t have any proof that he had gone through with anything and he seemed sincerely apologetic so we decided to try and move past it. I told him that if in the future he had these ‘urges’ that he needs to just tell me and not act on them, and he agreed.
From that moment forward, my position in the relationship changed drastically. I became very paranoid and untrusting and would question his whereabouts constantly. He was pretty supportive and tried to do what he could to gain back my trust. Fast forward a few months later I found out that he had lied about a few other things as well. Some examples are: lying about one of his good friends being just a friend where I later found emails indicating that she was basically an unofficial ex that he had a sexual history with for years… saying he was hanging out with a friend when I found out that he did not (don’t know where he actually was).. going out with his friends to a party and telling me that a girl I had an issue with was not going to be there but later seeing a picture on fb indicating that she was (he told me that he didn’t tell me because she just ‘showed up’ and he didn’t want to upset me)
After these issues I was about to just forget the relationship but we had a very serious sit down talk and he told me that the reason he lied about those things was so that I would not be upset and to avoid any unnecessary problems.. He promised that even if it would mean we would get into an argument he would always be honest with me. He gave me access to his emails and would allow me to see his phone if I ever wanted to. We seemed to be okay for a while after this and got engaged.
About 6 months ago I asked to see his cell phone and found an inappropriate text between him and a casual person that he had relations with in the past. The text was basically a dirty text making plans to have relations. He said that nothing happened and that he meant to tell me about it but was waiting for a good time as he was afraid, and that’s why the text was still in his phone. I told him that we had an agreement that he would call me in moments like this and he said that everything happened so fast he didn’t realize what happened untill it was over. He said he wouldn’t blame me if I left him. We decided to try one more time (please no judgements) to work it out and help him through it. A few months after that his phone pocket dialed me and I heard him driving.. called him back no answer.. he called me back a few minutes later saying sorry he was in a meeting at work… I told him what happened and he said that he had ran out to get food but told me he was at work so that I wouldn’t be suspicious. A few months later we had a big blow out because I was still suspicious of his actions and whereabouts and I was going into his emails regularly.. and we both agreed that it was getting unhealthy so we decided that if we are going to try to make this work we need to just put everything in the past and start fresh (meaning that I would not bring up the past again unless I actually caught him in a lie which he assured me I wouldn’t).
Now to current times.. he had his facebook deactivated from when we had first began dating but recently re-activated it. I saw that he was adding a lot of people (mostly guys but also some girls) and i was curious to know who these girls were. I called him and asked him who the girls were and he gave me the stories for each which seemed to check out, but I began feeling paranoid that maybe there was something inappropriate in his inbox so I asked for his password. He gave me his password but then freaked out on me saying that we had agreed not to ‘go there’ again in terms of the distrust and paranoia. I told him that I didn’t plan to feel paranoid again but for some reason it came back. He went off on me saying that he’s been through so much with all of this and the feelings of guilt are consuming him because everytime I show him that I don’t trust him it brings back all of the feelings of guilt and feeling like dirt. He said that I told him we were past it and he was finally beginning to have hope that we could move forward from this but when I asked for his password it showed him that I will never trust him. He said I can’t imagine the feeling of how it feels to have his fiancee not trust him. (For the record there was nothing suspicious in his facebook messages, in fact there was even a message from a few weeks ago from his unofficial ex that he did not even open). He told me that if I can’t just ‘get over it’ then he is done with our relationship.
Now I would like to ask you all, was I being unreasonable by asking for his password after having agreed to move past it? He said that I should not have said that I was over everything if I was not. I tried to explain to him that I really thought I had put it all behind me and did not seeing those feelings of distrust resurfacing again. It was not my fault that I became paranoid again. He said that it is my fault because I should learn to control my feelings and get over it already… I told him that if it’s that easy to control one’s feelings, then he should just ‘get over’ his guilt and learn to control it if I’m paranoid. He said that me not trusting him is a constant reminder of what he’s done and that’s why it’s different for him.
In my defense, he told me that he would not lie to me again but later did lie to me several times. He also assured me that if anything inappropriate happened, he would tell me right away or even call me before acting on any of it- which he did not. So what about that? Is it okay for him to break his word but not for me?
Honestly, if it was just one lie, one time and I was still paranoid until now I would genuinely say that maybe the issues is just with me and that I am being unreasonable, as everyone makes mistakes and to hold someone accountable for ONE mistake that happened ONE time would be unfair after so long. BUT.. this is not the case by far here… there have been many lies and many mistakes.. yet he feels I am being unfair because I told him I was moving past it and feelings of distrust resurfaced? To me he is the one being completely unreasonable here.. I have tried to imagine what it would be like if our places were reversed and I honestly would completely understand if he had ongoing trust issues with me given the nature of the situation. However, I know that this is only one side of the story (mine) and I would like to receive honest answers from you all. Am I being unreasonable? Should it be easier to just move on from it and get over it? Are my feelings valid or am I being unfair? Please don’t be afraid to be honest. I know some of you may be giving thoughts on why I should/should not stay in the relationship but I would really appreciate feedback on whether or not I am being reasonable with regards to my feelings. Thanks very much for your time.
Also: as of now, we haven’t really spoke and I’m not sure where we stand. He said that he was done with the relationship but I’m not sure if that was out of anger or if he was serious.