(Closed) Engagment to be called off?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I valid in my feelings of paranoia/suspicion up until now?
    No you need to finally get over it : (5 votes)
    3 %
    Considering the circumstances your feelings are very valid : (141 votes)
    95 %
    Not sure : (2 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 2
    484 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Regardless of whether your suspicion is valid, I think this relationship is unhealthy and you need to get out. You’re being possessive and he’s gaslighting you. 

    Post # 3
    2324 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

    This does not sound like someone I would want to start a life with.

    Post # 4
    6847 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    So, you’re supposed to control your feelings but he can’t be expected to control his urges to contact other women? At the very least I recommend both individual and couples counseling, and perhaps slow down on the wedding planning while you work through these issues. 

    Post # 5
    5224 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I stopped after your second paragraph. He gets the urge to use hook up sites, and then “zones out” when he does it? So, what? He has a seizure and sends inappropriate messages during it? He gets taken over by an alternate personality? Ultimately though, he can’t be held responsible, right? 

    The guy is FOS. Cut your losses and move on.

    Post # 6
    816 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    It sounds like there was never any trust in this relationship, and that neither one of you has truly been able to move on from that. I’d suggest going to a couples’ therapist who can help you talk through why you feel the way you do and why he lies the way he does to see if you can work through this.

    I don’t want to say that your feelings are invalid, because I think all feelings are valid (you’re having them, they’re real!), but I think you might not be handling them in the best way– he added a few facebook friends, and you seem to have asked for his password pretty quickly after that, which I think is making a bit of a jump. It’s entirely possible that they were just friends, and to go straight to “this is something sneaky” does seem unfair.

    That said, I think he has plenty of issues too, and a relationship can’t be built on lies and sketchy behavior. I honestly don’t think it’s worth trying to continue the relationship, because he seems to have issues that haven’t been addressed, and I don’t think it’s salvageable without some serious professional intervention.

    I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you luck and peace! Everything will be ok in the end, even if it’s messy.

    Post # 7
    547 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    He expects you to control the urge to feel distrustful of him given his horrible track record, but he can’t control his ‘urge’ to send (what sounds like) dick pics and his phone number to other women? It doesn’t sound like you could ever reasonably trust him again, and he doesn’t sound even remotely trustworthy. Some part of you has to know that it shouldn’t take this much work to trust your partner.

    Post # 8
    2022 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    However valid your feelings are this relationship is a train wreck. You need to be finished, nothing that he’s done is telling you that he’s faithful and ready to be in a partnership built on trust/honesty. Stop wasting your pretty and move on. Let this guy self distruct alone. Why would you want to keep going through these cycles? You can never trust him and he’s made it quite clear he plans to keep on with the same behaviors. Get out!

    Post # 9
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    confusedneedhelp:  really, he can’t control himself to the point where he won’t stop sexting or emailing other people even at the risk of losing you? Honey, he is lying to you and you can do better. 

    Post # 10
    2942 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think this has ran it’s course.  Even giving him the 100% benefit of the doubt (and that is stretching my imagination) that everything was innocent/beyond his control/he really has changed, there is no trust here.  Honestly, too, he has given you very little reason to trust him. 

    Post # 11
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee

    You have already given him too many chances. Run away! 

    Post # 12
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    Bridey77:  I thought the exact same thing. Sounds like BS men use when trying to get relations from a woman ‘I actually NEED it so if you can’t provide it…’ Oh please.

    Post # 13
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    Agree with everyone on here. Why would you want to be with someone you can’t trust? Just because he gives you his passwords means nothing if he then starts this behavior in person with other people. It means he was trying to placate you. You deserve better- to be in a relationship with mutual trust and respect.

    Post # 14
    47214 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    confusedneedhelp:  Your feelings are what they are. We are all entitled to our feelings.

    As far as your relationship is concerned, do you really want to feel this way the rest of your life?

    Post # 15
    1412 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t see this ever being a healthy relationship= time to cut your losses and move on.

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