@anonymissus: Are you willing to have a future where you’re not friends with this other man? Or is staying friends something that is important to you?
I’ve been in your shoes before. We were exactly alike, best friends, finished each other’s thoughts. And to deal with the pain, I stopped talking to him. So I have cut that person out of my life before, like PPs have suggested. But I regret that. It wasn’t the smartest decision to have made. It did help me move on, but not in the best of ways. After that, I was devastated. I didn’t believe in love. And I never ever let anyone in that close again, until Fiance. But as close as Fiance and I are, he doesn’t finish my sentences all the time. He doesn’t know exactly what I’m thinking. And you know what? I’m fine with that. Fiance balances me out. We’re very close, but we’re not the exact same person and that’s a healthy balance in our relationship.
Even if you were to be together, do you think it would be a healthy relationship? You guys may be dating people similar to each other, but perhaps that is the solution that works. I really think that you should talk to your best friend about your friendship, and how you want it to be a positive relationship instead of one that roller coasters up and down even if you don’t end up together romantically.
You need to talk to your friend to find out how he feels. Sometimes when I think back, I wonder what would have happened if I had just spoken to them. If I hadn’t been too proud or afraid. I think that we were both too proud and afraid. There was a time, when I think he was trying to tell me that he had feelings for me, but I was too afraid to guess that. I didn’t have enough confidence to believe that it might be me, and he didn’t have the courage to tell me. Perhaps he didn’t know whether I still had feelings for him, and didn’t want to put himself out there. He said to me, “You should know. You’ve always known before without me having to tell you.”
And the truth is, I think I did know deep down inside, I’ve always known since then. I just couldn’t believe in it, I couldn’t believe in myself, and I was too afraid to take that leap. So I cut my best friend out of my life instead. I know that ultimately we wouldn’t have worked out romantically. But what I regret is losing my best friend. It’s something you can’t get back. When I wanted to reconnect with him later, it was impossible. I didn’t think that I was worth much to him because it never seemed like he was giving back. But when I cut him out of my life, it affected him too.
There was one quote on his livejournal, when I was trying to reconnect with him. It said “I hate it when people just stop talking to you one day, and you don’t know why.” And I knew then, that it was about me. I always felt immense guilt after that. And he had grown without me, so I would never have that same connection with him ever again. We do speak from time to time, but since then, we’ve never quite known what to talk about. And that might possibly have been the biggest barrier in our ability to reconnect again. We were both just too stubborn to talk about it, to talk about what had happened, and were just hoping that the magical ability to sense the other’s thoughts would save us from having to have that conversation.
At any rate, it doesn’t seem like this is the right time to get engaged to another man when you haven’t figured yourself out yet. If you aren’t with your best friend, is Fiance someone you really want to be with? Or will he be your substitution consolation prize?
Love sucks. But what I’ve learned from being in love in the past is that you want a love that is healthy, stable. One that doesn’t involve so much hurt. One that you know will last forever, and isn’t just now. Loving Fiance is so different than loving my first love. I know that we will grow together. Even though being in love is tough, and requires hard work and getting hurt sometimes, the times we are happy far outnumber the times we are unhappy. Most importantly, I never have to guess if he loves me or not because he makes it clear all the time. He is my best friend now, even if he can’t read me inside and out. We have a different connection, and I know that this one is actually meant to be for the long run. Because when you’re best friends who love each other, then love is the one thing and most important thing that should never be a secret. Because when you’re both hiding from it, then that says a lot about the love you share for each other. That’s probably the biggest factor for why it didn’t work out before. Love isn’t something either one of you should be afraid of, ashamed of, etc … and if he still is, then it’s time to accept that this love isn’t meant to be and move on. Decide if you still want to be best friends with him, and whether or not you can find the stable, lasts forever kind of love with your boyfriend. If not, then let him go too and find that person who will be there for you with no doubts on his end, but you for him too with no doubts on your end.