(Closed) Entering engagement, can’t get over someone else. Help.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He sounds like “that guy”…the “bad/mysterious” guy that we all craved when we were younger until we realized that “that guy”= no stability, constant heartbreak, and was usually a pretty selfish person. If I were you, I would immediately stop communicating with him, use self control and just focus on my current relationship…I wish I could offer better advice, unfortunately I could relate to your situation with prior relationships, but since meeting my SO, I never really once felt that way, another words I dated enough of “those guys” to know better :(, maybe others can relate?

Post # 4
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Dell79:  I agree with this poster. Cut that dude off. Seriously. Especially if you want to give your future marriage an honest effort to succeed. Talking to this guy means you’re living a lie. 

If you have severe doubts in your mind about your engagement, do the honorable thing and set your Boyfriend or Best Friend free. He deserves to have 100% committment from you, and if you aren’t willing to give up your relationship with Dude, it’s obvious Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t getting the respect he deserves from his wife.


ETA: It’s also easier for you to say “no” to a proposal than it is to get divorced. Just be careful, and make sure you are absolutely confident in the option you choose. This scenario sucks, I’m sure.

Post # 5
869 posts
Busy bee

@Dell79:  This exactly.  Seriously, could have written every word.

Post # 6
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I kinda feel like you need to sit down and male a major desision. either cut off contact with the other guy, EVERYTHING. Or do not get engaged.  To keep the other guy in your life is just asking for trouble.



Love for some people is kinda like an addiction. Someone gets under your skin weather or not you want them there or not. Like any addiction its best to  cut it out of your life. It will be hard at first, but eventually it will her easier, and you will olny get random cravings for it, and if you can quit him, you and your relationship will be better for it . 

Post # 7
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs. You have no room in your life for any kind of significant other and this other guy. It’s disrespectful to your soon to be fiance and it will bring no benefit to your relationship. I vote to sever ties.

Post # 8
803 posts
Busy bee

@anonymissus:  Are you willing to have a future where you’re not friends with this other man? Or is staying friends something that is important to you? 

I’ve been in your shoes before. We were exactly alike, best friends, finished each other’s thoughts. And to deal with the pain, I stopped talking to him. So I have cut that person out of my life before, like PPs have suggested. But I regret that. It wasn’t the smartest decision to have made. It did help me move on, but not in the best of ways. After that, I was devastated. I didn’t believe in love. And I never ever let anyone in that close again, until Fiance. But as close as Fiance and I are, he doesn’t finish my sentences all the time. He doesn’t know exactly what I’m thinking. And you know what? I’m fine with that. Fiance balances me out. We’re very close, but we’re not the exact same person and that’s a healthy balance in our relationship. 

Even if you were to be together, do you think it would be a healthy relationship? You guys may be dating people similar to each other, but perhaps that is the solution that works. I really think that you should talk to your best friend about your friendship, and how you want it to be a positive relationship instead of one that roller coasters up and down even if you don’t end up together romantically. 

You need to talk to your friend to find out how he feels. Sometimes when I think back, I wonder what would have happened if I had just spoken to them. If I hadn’t been too proud or afraid. I think that we were both too proud and afraid. There was a time, when I think he was trying to tell me that he had feelings for me, but I was too afraid to guess that. I didn’t have enough confidence to believe that it might be me, and he didn’t have the courage to tell me. Perhaps he didn’t know whether I still had feelings for him, and didn’t want to put himself out there. He said to me, “You should know. You’ve always known before without me having to tell you.”

And the truth is, I think I did know deep down inside, I’ve always known since then. I just couldn’t believe in it, I couldn’t believe in myself, and I was too afraid to take that leap. So I cut my best friend out of my life instead. I know that ultimately we wouldn’t have worked out romantically. But what I regret is losing my best friend. It’s something you can’t get back. When I wanted to reconnect with him later, it was impossible. I didn’t think that I was worth much to him because it never seemed like he was giving back. But when I cut him out of my life, it affected him too.

There was one quote on his livejournal, when I was trying to reconnect with him. It said “I hate it when people just stop talking to you one day, and you don’t know why.” And I knew then, that it was about me. I always felt immense guilt after that. And he had grown without me, so I would never have that same connection with him ever again. We do speak from time to time, but since then, we’ve never quite known what to talk about. And that might possibly have been the biggest barrier in our ability to reconnect again. We were both just too stubborn to talk about it, to talk about what had happened, and were just hoping that the magical ability to sense the other’s thoughts would save us from having to have that conversation. 

At any rate, it doesn’t seem like this is the right time to get engaged to another man when you haven’t figured yourself out yet. If you aren’t with your best friend, is Fiance someone you really want to be with? Or will he be your substitution consolation prize? 

Love sucks. But what I’ve learned from being in love in the past is that you want a love that is healthy, stable. One that doesn’t involve so much hurt. One that you know will last forever, and isn’t just now. Loving Fiance is so different than loving my first love. I know that we will grow together. Even though being in love is tough, and requires hard work and getting hurt sometimes, the times we are happy far outnumber the times we are unhappy. Most importantly, I never have to guess if he loves me or not because he makes it clear all the time. He is my best friend now, even if he can’t read me inside and out. We have a different connection, and I know that this one is actually meant to be for the long run. Because when you’re best friends who love each other, then love is the one thing and most important thing that should never be a secret. Because when you’re both hiding from it, then that says a lot about the love you share for each other. That’s probably the biggest factor for why it didn’t work out before. Love isn’t something either one of you should be afraid of, ashamed of, etc … and if he still is, then it’s time to accept that this love isn’t meant to be and move on. Decide if you still want to be best friends with him, and whether or not you can find the stable, lasts forever kind of love with your boyfriend. If not, then let him go too and find that person who will be there for you with no doubts on his end, but you for him too with no doubts on your end. 

Post # 9
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, okay.  This isn’t a great situation to be in when you’re starting your engagement.  I think you need to do some serious soul searching before agreeing to marry your SO.  Like a PP said, it’s easier to say no to a proposal than it is to divorce.  You can’t go into an engagement or marriage with the idea that you may still love someone else.  It’ll come up eventually, and it’s a bad idea to go into a marriage with such a shaky foundation.

Post # 10
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I do not believe at all that you should be getting engaged if you are feeling this way. If your heart is  ot 100% in it then you should not be going into it! I do not see how I can assure you that it will all work out awesomely as I don’t.

I actually am going to say it is just as dishonest to yourself and your SO to be dating him while feeling this way. Break it off and take time to sort through these feelings about your friend.  And that relationship sounds incredibly toxic in itself and not healthy. Counselling may be helpful in that regard.

Besides, in my personal opinion, if you cannot tell your SO everything – if you are not looking at him as your best friend – you should not be together anyway.


Post # 11
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I cant get past the point that you started dating the Fiance because you wanted to make your friend jealous. There are some serious issues in that. Issues that need to be thought through thoroughly. Personally, if I was this conflicted, I would talk to my Fiance and let him know that I did not want him to propose until I thought through the situation.

Post # 12
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@RayKay:  100% agree

Post # 13
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If you really loved your Fiance to be, you would have never let yourself fall in love with someone else. You should chose the second guy.

Post # 14
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Kkaattii:  Yikes. I don’t think that sounds like a healthy decision.

You should cut off all contact with the second guy or you should ditch both of them and be on your own for a while.

Post # 15
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Dell79:  agreed. And trust me, there were a few guys who came along when hubs and I weren’t exclusive yet, and I could have easily been with them. But, none of them got me like hubs did. He is “the friend” that you speak of, but luckily he grew up a lot, and things are amazing between us. I am so glad I didnt’ settle for anyone else!

Post # 16
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@anonymissus:  “This friend once got quite drunk and told me that he loved me too much to be with me in any kind of physical-emotional relationship.”

That right there means there is no future in a relationship with this man, he is not sexually attracted to you. You are chasing after a man who does not want to be with you, at the risk of losing a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

I don’t know if your fiance is the right guy for you, but this friend definitely isn’t. You should go to counseling to work this out–maybe tell your soon to be fiance that you want to work out some issues in therapy before giving a definite answer.

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