Post # 1
I told Fiance this morning, that I am probably just too selfish to be with someone with a child.
He doesn’t understand why I can’t just hold his hands and smile through the drama and I realized… he has a point. Why can’t I? Why am I so unhappy and focused on the negative?
I told him I am not yet his WIFE and I feel like, although I wear an engagement ring, I am not anywhere near his wife yet. I think I feel that way because we can’t focus on our own wedding and future for more than 10 seconds before his ex causes a new problem. So I do not feel like a wife, yet I do wifely things. I worry like a wife. I help take care of his child, like a wife. I fork over money to cover his bills, when he needs to pay her every cent he has for the week, like a wife. But I am not out with my mom, looking at gorgeous gowns. I am not getting excited about an upcoming bridal shower. I am not laying next to my fiance at night, drifting into a peaceful sleep with dreams of having a wedding, his first child. I am doing none of those things.
I know my bluntness hurts him, but that is me. I told him all of those things. I told him that seeing his ex, prancing around our parking lot on the weekends, makes my stomach hurt. When we send his daughter home, I anticipate the 500 questions she will be asked and my stomach hurts. Before each court date, my stomach hurts.
He says “but you knew I had a kid when you accepted the ring!” He is so right. I absolutely knew. I knew it would be hard. Just not this hard.
I love him. I really do. It kills me that I can’t seem to make a choice to handle all of this with grace. It hurts that I am not that woman who can stand by him, after all. It hurts to realize that I am too selfish for this shit. I don’t think I can un-learn my selfishness.
Post # 2
I think it takes a really big person to admit that to your fiance and yourself. I have no advice to give as I think I would be feeling the same way you are in this situation. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.
Post # 3
It’s OK to think about yourself before thinking about others. Hopefully it will make it easier for you to make your decision. It sounds like terrible timing for you to be in his life. If you’re miserable then it’s not worth it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull
Big hugs! I know this must be so tough for you. FWIW, I don’t think you’re being selfish.
Yes, you knew he had an ex wife and child but how were you to know the drama she would cause? The way she constantly tries to drive a wedge between you? The financial hardship she would cause?
This isn’t fair on you at all and I don’t think it is selfish to feel like you deserve happiness.
I’m so sorry for you Bee 🙁 x
Post # 5
I was thinking about your sitch yesterday since I also became a step mom. I have to say I don’t think you are being selfish. Dealing with a cray cray ex is way different than dealing with say, my (ex) husband’s ex. She was icky and made things hard sometimes, but notnearly as hard as your crazy ex wife. I wouldn’t blame anyone for walking away from that. I can’t tell if you have fully decided to bail out or not, though. Do you think the ex wife is just being extra crazy right now because you two are engaged and it’s bugging her? I’m just wondering if it will die down for you. But yes, you would always be tied to that woman if you stay with your Fiance. You just have to for sure decide “for better, for worse” or not.
As a side note, you never know what’s going to happen with a future spouse or spouse. Like I said, when we married I knew he had 4 kids, but they only came every other weekend. It was still hard, but no biggie. Then suddenly they moved in full time! You just never know what’s going to happen. And I don’t mean with just kids. Spouses lose jobs, they get depressed, they lose parents. Junk happens.
Post # 6
Plenty of single women, me included, would have run the other way from the beginning with this kind of “baggage.” That is not inherently selfish. What’s unfortunate is the timing and the fact that you are only coming to this realization when a child is already integrally involved in your life and has formed an attachment. That’s who my heart breaks for in all this and that’s who and what you have to consider first and foremost.
I hope you will seek out advice on how to handle ending your relationship with her father in a way that is least traumatic and harmful.
Post # 7
You are not selfish at all. You are just – quite rightly – putting your hands up and saying “woah” this shit sucks. This is hard. This is no fun. Our relatonship should be more than just about drama with the ex and kid. I think that is fair enough.
Well done you for wanting to be a “better” partner, but from what I know, you are doing a great job. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Post # 8
It’s one thing to choose to be with someone who has a child, which is challenging enough all on its own without the shit storm you’ve been dealing with.
It’s entirely another to be with someone who isn’t a consistent earner and relies on you to pick up the slack, hasn’t always handled things properly re: child support, has a history of giving in to his crazy ex, and seemingly doesn’t appreciate all that you’ve been doing to help and support him through an unnecessary amount of drama. Relationships should have give and take; it’s not unreasonable for you to hit a point where you can’t keep giving while receiving so little in return. Hugs.
Post # 9
“I knew it would be hard. Just not this hard.”
You’re being honest. And it really isn’t meant to be this hard. Many of us who are blending families/ becoming step-parents do not have to deal with the additional baggage & drama you’ve had to, everything from court dates to covering him financially to over the top ex drama. You’re only human and from your previous posts you sound like you’ve really been trying, there has just been so much thrown at you. So yes, if you marry him you’re signing on for all this baggage, better you take a pause now to reflect on whether this is what you want.
He wants you to just smile and hold hands through all the drama? That seems a bit too simplistic IMO, like he’s minimizing all he’s expecting you to deal with. My main concern, as weddingmaven mentioned above, is that his child is forming an attachment to you already, so sweetie you need to seriously consider if you can be in her life long term, the poor little girl has already had so much drama and chaos in her life already. If your Fiance and all his baggage are making you question your future with him, please question it now so both you and his daughter don’t become even more hurt in the long run.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I don’t think it’s a matter of selfishness at all. From your posts it seems like the biggest problem is that there’s no light at the end of the drama filled tunnel. There’s no progress, no resolution on the horizon and I wouldn’t sign up for a lifetime of that either.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you deserve to be in a relationship where you’re happy more often than not.
Post # 11
I haven’t left. I haven’t made that decision yet, in part because we are locked into a lease. I don’t want to stay only because of a lease. I don’t want to hurt his daughter. Her mom has moved her in and out of 3 guys houses, now I will be another person who disappears from her life. I feel terrible.
Then I wonder if I would be making the right choice by leaving. What if things do calm down and things can be okay? What if a year from now we are better financially and I can plan a wedding – would I still feel so much resentment and anger? Am I not giving therapy enough time? We just started.
I don’t know what to do. I slept in his daughters room last night. I will sleep there tonight. It is the closest thing I can get to “space” right now. When she is over, maybe I will go to a dirty motel. I don’t know. I just feel like I am way in over my head. Like way, way, way in over my head…
ETA: Thank you bees for helping me feel supported. I don’t like to let on that I am having a hard time to family and friends IRL.
Post # 12
I think you’re confusing ‘being a wife’ with being a ‘bride’
semantics aside, you aren’t getting your needs met. Certainly not short term. And rightly it makes you anxious about the long term.
It sounds like you dont need to compromise. from what you’ve written, I agree. Brave lady.
Post # 13
I don’t think this is you being selfish. This is NOT a normal situation you are in. This is not the usual “we are having problems with step daughter’s mom because she doesn’t agree that she should be able to watch a pg13 movie with us”. This is so beyond that it’s hard for me to fathom. I don’t know how you are not either medicated, or curled up in the fetal position hiding 24/7. Please take comfort in this.
Post # 14
I don’t think you are being selfish and I don’t actually think it’s because you are too selfish to be with someone with a kid. Plenty of guys have children and have normal relationships with their fiances even if the ex causes a tiny bit of stress. You aren’t dealing with normal issues, don’t be hard on yourself. He is expecting WAY too much of you and it’s completely not fair.
Post # 15
I think it is more than admirable to not want to walk out on his daughter, but her happiness can’t always come first sadly. You need to do right by yourself. If the relationship is just too hard and it is making you too unhappy then walk away – no one will hold that against you.
I hope a few nights of “space” in the spare roon will help, and of course I hope your issues can be sorted. But I think you have been dealt a pretty crappy hand and are currently doing a great job.