Post # 1
I’ve been with Fiance for almost 6 years and I still can’t break into his family. He has a mum & older sister Laura. They have a very lovely, close mother/daughter relationship and I think it’s great, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get close to them. Six years in, and I still feel like a complete outsider.
I have tried for years without success. I’ve tried organizing nights out and girly movie/spa nights in, I’ve sent them presents and cards for special occasions, I’ve tried to keep in touch over Facebook & email when I’m away, I make sure Fiance keeps in touch and visits frequently, I try texting..I’ve been friendly and outgoing and charming and just get nothing in return. They’d never think to text me or email me first, it’s always me. It’s humiliating sometimes. I feel like I’m begging for love and acceptance from them 🙁
The worst part is they’re not bad people, they’re very kind and loving, but not with me. I know I’m lucky after reading horrible in law stories on here, but it hurts so much. I’ve never had a sister and I would kill to be close to Laura but she’s just not into it. It’s sort of like “We like you, but only so much.” They’re nice to me, but it’s clear they want to keep their distance.
And every convo I have with his mother….somehow, some way, Laura gets brought up! Every time! It’s impossible to have a heart to heart with her because it’s always about her daughter. Even now that we’re engaged, all she can talk about is how wonderful Laura’s wedding was and Oh don’t Laura and her hubby make a beautiful couple???
I know it’s jealousy and hurt causing me to say this, and I probably sound bitter as hell and evil, but I can’t take much more 🙁 I feel like giving up on ever having a relationship with them. They’re so sweet and such a nice family and I just don’t understand why they won’t include me in it.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. it sounds like you’ve made every effort but you can’t force it. stop chasing them. be cordial and civil but stop begging them.
what does your husband say about this?
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are having a tough time with it! I have a whole lot of tips, but do agree with PP.
ETA: There is no option for all of the above
Post # 5
Im sorry you are going through this and I cant offer advice on how to deal with it but I can tell you that you could be in my shoes and it would be the exact opposite of what you are feeling. Fiance has 2 brothers and a sister and his mother is amazing and I love them all but they are VERY OVERBEARING! We are super close with his family, his sister lived with us last summer, has a key to our house comes over whenever she wants to, his mom has just recently just put in an offer on a house 3 doors down from us, his brothers live out of town but stay with us like every other weekend, we have family dinners with his fam at least once a weeks sometimes 2 or 3 times, me Fiance his sister and mother all play in the same volleyball league, Fiance and I are the first to get married in his family so its EVERYONES business (so they think) etc etc etc. So as someone coming from the opposite side of the spectrum Im telling you its not so bad to not be super close to them because sometimes its a little overbearing and I want to rip my hair out! It sounds like they do like you and care about you so thats great, youve done all you can and maybe thats just the way they are with other people as well….. has your Fiance noticed they are like this with you? Does he have any suggestions he can offer? Have you talked to him about it?
Post # 6
I’d go with the rose wine. I’m sorry they’re not responding the way you want them to! I don’t have much good advice (that’s why I picked the rose wine). Just keep being lovely (but maybe back off a bit with the gifts and stuff and just stick to polite conversation and emails). There’s no point in letting yourself be disappointed even more.
Post # 7
You can’t change them. I’m sorry. It’s possible that once you’re married or have children they will include you more, but try not to get your hopes up.
Try to direct all of this effort and attention elsewhere. Make some new friends, or reinvest in your relationships with your old ones. Reach out to your relatives. You sound rather lonely, and your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law have probably picked up on that and are avoiding letting you in for fear that you’ll want to be included in everything and interfere with their one-on-one time. Once you back off and don’t come across as so desperate to be included, they’ll probably be more inviting.
Post # 8
I know it’s hard not to, but I would try to not take this personally. All family dynamics are unique (and often weird!) and there isn’t always a good way to explain or understand them. If you were another woman, I am sure they would treat her the same as you – this is about their bond and relationship, and the way they interact with each other vs. the world. Not just you.
My advice would be as other PPs and just… relax. Take a step back. Be happy and friendly and YOURSELF, but otherwise, stop trying so hard to fit it. You’re only stressing yourself out! It will either happen naturally, or it will remain the way it is. Pour yourself into other relationships where you get the feedback you crave!
Post # 9
I’d drink it all.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anyway your Fiance could speak to them?
Post # 10
I did think at one point maybe I try too hard, so I decided to leave them be and let them come to me if they wanted. And I didn’t hear from them for 2 months 🙁
Thanks for the replies ladies. I know I can’t change them – I have a wonderful family of my own and plenty of good friends, I don’t know why I’m so hurt by it. I’ve tried talking to Fiance but he always tells me I’m being silly and “of course they like you!” but obviously not lol.
For the record I’m definitely not lonely, I’m very social and go out lots! Like I said I have my own circle. I have no intention of butting in on all their one on one time either, I appreciate they have a great close relationship. But they reject all my invitations and just never invite me to anything =[ I don’t want to appear too clingy so I text just every once in a while. I invited his sister to lunch a month ago, she was too busy. So this week (a month later) I suggested going to see this new movie that I know she’s into. But again, got a no.
Oh well, I give up! I’ll just focus on my own friends & family and try not to let it bug me. Rose wine it is!!
Post # 11
I’ve just realised I may have made myself sound creepy or clingy, haha. I’m not at all, I swear! I don’t send them random “I like you!” gifts. I just mean at Christmas and birthdays, I always remember to send them a card or a little gift. I sent his sister a housewarming gift once as well, which she seemed to love but of course there’s no reciprocation.
I guess I have tried everything. I’ve tried inviting them out myself, I’ve been friendly, I’ve tried backing away…..no dice. The weird thing is, Fiance swears they’ve both told him separately that they’d love to get to know me better. very confused.
Post # 12
@HerNameWasLola: You didn’t come across as clingy to me. It just sounds like you want a close relationship with your FI’s family. Who could blame you? Hopefully they come around, but in the mean time just let it go. Some people are just like that. My sister-in-law is never affectionate in any sort of way, and she has been in the family for over 20 years. The rest of us are very affectionate, but she’s just different unless it’s with her own family. I think it’s a little outside her comfort zone to be as close as we’d like her to be.
Post # 13
I’m sorry your ILs aren’t as close to you as you’d like. I think you need to back off and accept the fact that they have different expectations for their relationship with you. As long as they’re not being rude or disrespectful to you, they should have the right to set boundaries that they’re comfortable with. It may hurt that you came in with different expectations, but I think you should focus on changing your expectations rather than trying to change them.
Post # 14
I really feel for you. I’ve tried for 6 years too. After we got married some of his family is now friendly with me but still keeps me at a distance. Only now, I am the one who doesn’t feel like trying any more. I know they will probably never call unless they need something from Darling Husband and can’t reach him. I figure it is their loss 🙂
Have some wine 🙂 Let it go if you can 🙂
Post # 15
They’re just not that into you, and that’s ok. Just be nice and move on. No need to keep investing in a one sided relationship.
Post # 16
It might be because you were just a girlfriend and they didn’t want to get close just in case that you guys broke up, but now that you are engaged and soon to be married things will change and if they don’t I would write a long, heart-felt letter explaining how you feel. And make your txts and msgs about how excited you are to be apart of their family. I am so sorry you are dealing with this though and you have a right to be upset and hurt. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable maybe have your Fiance talk to them about your concerns. I hope you have a better day!