(Closed) ERGH! PARENTS! (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The absolute best decision that my Fiance and I made regarding our wedding was that we were going to make the decisions.  We would review and sign the contracts – we would be responsible for the payments, etc.  Yes, my parents are helping (some) financially, but from the beginning we didn’t allow what they said to change our minds.  My mom writes checks to me and then I use the money accordingly.  I still take their opinion into consideration, but at the end of the day my Fiance and I are the ones making the decision.  (For example, my mom saw the ceremony/reception venue but I saw no reason why she should see the contract.  The contract is between myself, my Fiance, and the venue.)


These are just my opinions….

  1. Your parents need to trust your judgment.
  2.  Part of an engagement period is for you and your Fiance to start to make more (bigger) decisions together.  Planning a wedding helps you to figure out if there are any areas that you need to work on before you begin your marriage (finances, compromising, etc).  

Post # 5
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

As long as you parents are giving money, no matter what they say, it is a form of control.

Another route is to start planning the wedding without your parent’s money.  If you have certain things you MUST have, Like having the wedding where you live now, you may lose the venue.  But it becomes easier to put your foot down and let their influence roll off your back.  Your situation becomes: I am an adult capable of handling this 100% my way, but with your help and your generous gift, I can have a nicer wedding.

Plus, if they decide not to give you the money, you are still planning a wedding you want.  If you can’t/won’t do it without their money, then you’re probably stuck negotiating for what you want since it is ultimately up to them to loosen the purse strings.  Good luck!

Post # 6
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Can you go without the money? Cuz, seriously, that is the best decision I ever made. Otherwise I probably would’ve gone crazy cuz money DOES come with strings. You have to get used to it. It sucks big time.

Post # 7
179 posts
Blushing bee

Ahhh. I remember your story well. I believe the on your original post I said something to the effect of not allowing your parents to be involved in much of the deicion making or details of the wedding… that after you and Fiance make a decision you can tell them about after the fact.

Basically you should try sticking with the same thing. My mom was being rather controlling such as your parents were right from the get go which was not flying with me at all. After my mother flipped out and insulted me I decided then and there that it’d be best to leave her out of the process in general. By doing that it asserted myself and Fiance to make sound judgements and mom backed off. If I hadn’t done this from the get go my whole wedding planning experience would be a whole lot different that it has been so far.

Mind you, my parents are paying for my half of the budget (FI and I are splitting 50/50) so it would seem that my parents should have more control over the decisions. Setting boundaries from the beginning is important. My parents have paid for my dress and will still be contributing toward my half of the wedding.

Another thing we did was to let our parents take over other things that were important. For instance, FI’s mom and dad are handling the invitations. Future Mother-In-Law is an artist and sketched our invitations out for us according to the ideas we gave them. Granted, she still had creative control and Future Father-In-Law touched up the sketches and printed the invites for us.

Can you and Fiance afford the deposit on the venue yourselves? I suggest you guys pay for the deposit to garauntee the place. That way things are set in stone and it sets the tempo for getting the wedding you want. You’ll parents will still contribute afterward but you can show them, “hey we can handle this wedding”.

Post # 8
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Honestly, if you accept their money, you accept their strings.  If you can’t afford the same things if you were to pay for the wedding yourselves, just have a smaller, more intimate wedding.  It sucks that you have to deal with this, and I do agree that they are being necessarily snarky but it is their money which means they can have strings…

If you do decide to go the smaller route in order to forgo the strings and stipulations and they complain about not having a big, fancy wedding. Tell them that you are having a wedding that you can afford with the things that you and your Fiance find important.

I hope it works out for you!

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