(Closed) Errrm…I think we’re over…??

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
13719 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“I truly think it’s because he’s been messed around by his exwife and has trust issues”

Or, maybe there’s another side of the story. Putting aside how well she did or did not behave in response, could the ex-wife have had many of the same complaints as you do i.e. explosive anger, silent treatment, inability to deal with negative feedback etc? 

Just because someone is 40 and was with his ex for 15 years does not make him good at relationships. 

Post # 19
Member
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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colourmeyellow :  going off what you said here it doesn’t sound like there has been good communication prior to this. It sounds very childish to “communicate” this way especially with a 40 year old man. If you have good communication skills you should be able to use them effectively even when you’re upset. Also you made an excuse that he’s going through a divorce so you’re more understanding of that but that’s no excuse for him to behave this way. If he couldn’t handle a new relationship he should have waited until his divorce was final. Furthermore, marriage isnt going to “save” this type of back n forth relationship. It would be the absolute worst step to take until you do something to salvage this relationship and let him close the door on the last one. To ne honest when I first started reading I thought it was going to be a 20 something year old. So I’ll end by saying this would be the end for me because I dont do break up make up. Did in high school and that’s where it will stay.

Post # 20
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee

I fail to see how you have good communication skills.  You get mad at him and he breaks up with you?  You give each other the silent treatment?  That’s pretty much a flashing neon sign saying “We suck at adult communication.”  And perhaps not otherwise arguing isn’t that good of a sign if the result is you let it build up until you get really mad and then he breaks up with you.  What you describe is not the healthy relationship you seem to think it is.

And getting engaged “so this doesn’t happen again”???  What is that?  He is currently getting a divorce, so that pretty much proves how wrong the premise of “marriage means this will never happen again” is.  How is getting married going to make your relationship foolproof such that you magically start arguing in healthy, mature, constructive ways and he won’t break up with you again?  It just means your next break up will take 2.5 years, too, involve lawyers, and he’ll have a girlfriend while you get to be the soon-to-be-ex-wife.  It doesn’t mean you are now immune from this b.s. avoidance behavior and breaking up.

Any break-up is sad, but perhaps it is a blessing to find a relationship with someone who is available and you can forge a healthy relationship with.  Because regardless of how great you claim things are…healthy relationships don’t have the same number of break-ups as the number of years you’ve been going out.  They just don’t.  This isn’t a one-off “find yourself and come back stronger than ever” kind of break-up – this is ingrained immature behavior and apparently how he chooses to cope and you’re signing up for a lifetime of it if you marry.  Or until a break-up finally sticks.

Post # 23
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

I was in a relationship in my early 20s where we broke up and got back together a few times, and I got physically exhausted reading your post. The relationship really took a toll on me…feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells to avoid another fight and breakup. For us, that cycle never changed. If you want it to work, you need to make it clear to him that things need to change and you both need to try to communicate with each other better. Tomorrow if he says he’s done and you’re just a friend again (which I cannot believe he says…that’s super hurtful), then I say just cut communication. This isn’t fair and it’s going to drive you crazy. 

Post # 24
Member
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Most people won’t breakup with someone they want to be with. Really think about the messages he sends you. Also, just because he is great & you love him doesn’t mean the relationship works.

Post # 25
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee

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colourmeyellow :  Communication CAN be worked on IF you have two willing people who want to work on it.  But you don’t.  You have one person desperately trying to convince herself and the world around her that this is actually a healthy relationship and she just needs to be more patient sticking around long enough for him to work through his traumatic first marriage (spoiler alert: lots of people divorce and manage to not blame their first spouse for their own personality failings and crappy behavior).  And you have one person who would rather break up when things get hard.  Communication is not a one person game.

Post # 28
Member
561 posts
Busy bee

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colourmeyellow :  

He’s way too old for that kind of behaviour to be anywhere near understandable and regardless it wouldn’t be acceptable. I’d urge you to think long and hard if this is really the kind of person you’d want to marry.

Post # 29
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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colourmeyellow :  “(he’s divorcing at present and his soon to be ex-wife is pure evil).” <—- gonna go ahead and call this b.s. based on his explosive temper and breaking up with you when you have human emotions. 

You are falling for a story as old as time. You see, you’re now the “evil” one. Sure, he’s blaming her to you- someone other than him has to be responsible for his horrendous behavior, after all he can’t be expected to be a grown up and be accountable. It’s her now, but it’s you behind your back. 

That’s why he left you. Because it’s your fault because you tried to hold him accountable. 

Next you’ll tell me I wouldn’t understand, only I certainly do understand. I left someone much worse than his ex, and I didn’t scream at my dog or abusively leave anyone in my life. 

Grown ups don’t blame exes for their crappy behavior. 

 

 

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