(Closed) Errrm…I think we’re over…??

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

 

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colourmeyellow :  Tantrums, silent treatment, and pressuring the other person to talk is not good communication.  I thought you and your BF were early 20s from how you described things. But he’s been married 15 years and in his 40s? This sounds very immature and does not sound like a relationship worth clinging too.

Break up with him and block his number. Then work on yourself. Therapy is always a good idea.

If your partner expresses they need a break and don’t want to talk right now, and you’ve agreed to talk at a later time, trying to force them into a conversation when you want to talk isn’t going to end well. I’d look into healthier ways to communicate.

Post # 47
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11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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colourmeyellow :  abhorrent suggestion? You’re being ridiculous. Of course he treats his children poorly. He treats his dog poorly and you poorly – he has zero impulse control over his temper to the point where he breaks up with you when you get mad about his treatment of others.

how “dare I “ point out the glaringly obvious and logical conclusion that you’re so busy buying his lies you can’t see? 

I’m not you; I can’t be bullied into silence because you might judge me. Your huge overreaction and defensiveness is duly noted, and not filed under: you might have a good point about this man or you might have good judgment about this man.

 

 

Post # 49
Member
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

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colourmeyellow :  hon, British courts will award divorce even if both parties do not agree, especially on the basis of adultery, which it sounds like both your fi and his wife have committed. If he wanted to be divorced, he would. Whether or not she agreed. This is a case of two high-drama people doing high-drama things and you’re going along for the ride. It’s a mess. The title of your post is “I think we’re over?” and it’s pretty plain to see that you’re better off if you really truly are over.

Post # 50
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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colourmeyellow :   you are seriously irrational right now. Of course I can make any comment I want to, you’re not in charge of the internet and it’s not “dangerous” for me to do so. 

what is “dangerous” is a man who is so controlling that he leaves you when you get mad about him screaming at the dog.

you’re this upset over an inference that he treats his kids same as he treats you and the dog. You moved the goal post wayyyyyyy over to get upset about this, to where treating poorly is violence. Unless you’re admitting that he was violent to the dog or you. 

oh, and you obviously can be bullied. You’re upset about this man who left you again who is teaching you that you have no right to get angry. He is a bully. I’m trying to tell you, along with many other bees, that you can do much better, given the behavior you described here.

but given that you took “treated poorly” and turned it into “ violent”, maybe you have a point, because maybe you aren’t to be trusted as a reporter of what’s going on. Maybe he’s the best man ever and we are all wrong.

good luck, bee. 

Post # 51
Member
2252 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

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TwilightRarity :  all of what you said x1000

Post # 53
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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colourmeyellow :  

I do not like  a man  who characterises  his ex as ‘pure evil’. Not to say she was wonderful , but I’m  willing to bet from what  you’ve written about him  he was no angel to her either .  

But worst of all, for me  is  his or going off at  a desperate  dog who he had denied outside access and who had to pee/pooh. I cannot bear animal cruelty  in any form , mild or otherwise.

I’m sorry OP,  I think he sounds a really  unpleasant man  and you can do better . 

Post # 54
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I agree with others – if he says about his ex or soon to be ex that she is a bad person and etc etc that characterizes him well. One day he will talk about you like that. One of the things I looked for in a man was integrity. As much as you wrote here about him, does not make me think he has one.. Sorry. 

He reminds me of my younger days, in my twenties. My ex boyfrend was 25 at that time. He used to start fights out of jealousy, or being drunk and breaking up with me. Then in the morning he was calling me back or coming to my place for reconciliation. He did it at least 7-8 times and I was not wise  at that age and let it slide and was taking him back. Until one day I had enough and just never responded after another break up. But that guy was 25, and yours is 40.. 

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Post # 55
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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allenb :  I had a boyfriend just like that in my twenties too. I still look back and think ‘I am so glad I got away’ 

OP based on the info in your post, the bees have given you some great advice especially about communication and anger. There is definitely a lot of immaturity going on from both sides. I can also see why the bees have noticed a need for drama in your relationship. Some people’s personalities are more like that. 

I think you deserve better than how you’re being treated. Your Fiance is enjoying the coziness of being in a relationship but then bailing whenever it suits him. Breaking up because he sees you as ‘a mate’ is a gigantic red flag (although the word ‘mate’ isn’t used to describe ‘friend’ in other countries so that may be a bit confusing for some bees!) For a 40 year old man to behave like that is worrying and shows a sign of weakness in his character.

You deserve some you time where you can build yourself up again and maybe have some person centred counselling to recover from his behaviour and also look at your own communication habits.

I think your relationship looks like a ‘shitshow’ right now because it sounds chaotic and lacking in balance and true respect. What do your loved ones think? I can understand why it would hurt to hear that but my chaotic, horrid relationship (that I mentioned above) was called ‘a joke’ and in some ways it helped me to recognise the situation for what it was.

Post # 56
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

Firstly, sorry to hear your Fiance is being a jerk to you these days. Hope the sleep makes you feel better.

Secondly, “how dare you” is a phrase that hurts people. Do you say that to him and the kids in real life too?

Thirdly, when you share something here, you’re expecting people to share their minds and experiences and sometimes speculation. It’s people’s freedom to say what they think.

Fourthly, how do you know his ex-wife is pure evil? Because he said so? Because how she treated the kids, or did she abuse the kids, or committed adultery in front of the kids? Because she hisses at you whenever she sees you? It’ll give some perspective to everyone on what does “pure evil” mean in this regard.

Fifthly, are you anticipating a breakup when you have THE conversation with him that’s why you were here to seek support last night? Do you want to breakup? Aren’t you tired of his childishness and his request for breakups?

Usually couples would try to kiss and make up after fight before sleep. I told my Fiance that we must never let the sun goes down without us making up for the fight/argument.

Gal, you deserve someone better, with no strings attached. Men like that are out there.. xx

Post # 57
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee

Anyone else want to meet this man who is pure perfection?  Cause I’m really curious.

He gives the silent treatment.  But that isn’t his fault because someone else got mad at him.

He breaks up with people when things aren’t perfect.  But that isn’t his fault because his divorce is really hard.

He yells at defenseless animals.  But that isn’t his fault because the dog just has really poor communication skills compared to his superior ones.

He doesn’t trust people, apparently even the woman he’s been living with for 2.5 years (minus the times he broke up with her).  But that isn’t his fault because his ex-wife is pure evil and who better to know exactly what just how evil and wrong she is than the woman who is currently shacking up with her husband and wasn’t there to witness the marriage.

I’m sure sculptors are just dying to capture his image and pay tribute to this great man.  His likeness will inhabit town squares for decades to come and people will flock from all over to see the image of the man so perfect that women are able to explain away all of his shitty behavior on external circumstances that are never his fault or his responsibility to work through because he is just that damn majestic that the only logical conclusion is the other people are pure evil.

You are right about one thing though, OP.  He was stupid to break up with you all those times because who would break up with someone who acts like a doormat and makes life so easy for him that she already comes up with all of the convenient excuses for him for why he doesn’t have to act like a respectful partner or communicate maturely?  He’s got it made.

Post # 58
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

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colourmeyellow :  Hi there. I am also a woman in a relationship with a divorcing man. I recently had a thread here in which a lot of people jumped on me for this fact alone. I think that’s just something you’re going to get on a wedding board, of course some people engaged and married are going to be sour about divorce and second wives. You will be called a rebound, and all sorts of things. But each relationship is unique, and only you know your relationship. If it’s strong, there’s nothing to worry about. There are however, stark differences between my situation and the one you describe, so I wanted to reply:

  • “His ex is pure evil”. A man who characterises the former love of his life and mother to his children as evil, or a b*tch, or an enemy, has no respect for others. He probably has a madonna/whore complex too, and enjoys pitting you against her. A man with integrity would treat his ex with the utmost respect, and never bad mouth her to you or his children. The way he handles his seperation and divorce proceedings tell you everything you need to know about his character, and the kind of treatment you can expect from him. 
  • “My relationship is great”…except when it isn’t. For 2.5 years this is so much drama you’ve been through. And I know how draining that can be, years ago I had a partner I got back with ELEVEN times. I was exhausted. I know it feels hard to believe but I absolutely promise you that when it’s right, it’s EASY.
  • I think you may have made the mistake of being his relationship/divorce counsellor. I know you didn’t intend to, but he’s clearly not able to handle his business with dignity and respect you enough to keep you seperate from it. He’s explosive and childish, and taking things out on you. It doesn’t sound like he’s dealing with his divorce well. My personal definition of a ‘rebound’ is someone who uses a new relationship to mask/avoid dealing with difficult emotions arising from the previous breakup. This miiight be the case here, what do you think? Only you know.
  • He proposed to you in order to keep you. That’s the saddest proposal I’ve ever heard, and you deserve so much more.
  • The silent treatment is never, ever a tactic I believe should be used. It’s a cancer, it just grows tension between you. If you can’t communicate easily and openly then there’s something wrong.
  • Never trust a man who’s cruel to waitresses and animals.
  • I totally understand what you mean when you say you’ve been through a lot. I have too. When you go through fire with someone, you either meld together or you come out burned. It doesn’t sound like you’re melded right now and I’m so sorry 🙁

I’d be the last person on these boards to tell you to leave purely because he’s divorcing. I know that situations are individual and these relationships can really work…sometimes. But just based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like this is working. You shouldn’t compromise on your own happiness or have to justify his behaviour. If he isn’t able to give you the type of love you deserve, then he isn’t the right one. Sending you good vibes as you work through this period in your life 🙂

Post # 59
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

Maybe you take offense to the term train wreck or shit show but from what you have explained your relationship is neither healthy or stable.

You’ve spent the last 2.5 years with a man who is not 100% emotionally available to you or ready to commit to a future as he is still married, albeit separated.

At the sign of conflict he is quick to abandon you. Not something you should want in a future spouse.

Theres clearly communication issues as you shut him out when he attempted to communicate with you then you’re upset he shuts you out (lack of kiss or cuddle) when you want to connect with him.

I see error with both parties.

I’m sorry this is upsetting but I believe it’s best to move on from this relationship.

Post # 60
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

sorry I am still stuck on “scorned ex wives club” lololol.

OP I am sure there are some scorned ex wives among the bees here, but most of us are here because we’re planning a wedding or recently got married. Most people do not end up on a wedding website because they are a scorned ex wife. But yes if it gives you comfort to imagine that we are all bitter spinsters (on a WEDDING WEBSITE) and therefore our advice is moot, more power to you. Me and my 12 cats sincerely hope you find your way out of this utter shit show of a relationship! 

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