Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
My relationship with my family has always been rocky. I moved out when I was 18, and only came home to visit on holidays (which were always VERY uncomfortable). When I first got engaged, I tried to use my wedding as a way to repair my relationship with my parents. I asked them to be part of the planning process. It in fact had the opposite effect, and damaged our already abusive and rocky relationship beyond repair. To make a long story short, my family and I are now completely estranged. We have gone through another period like this in my early 20’s, but after what happened this time (trust me, you arebetter off not knowing the horrors) I would prefer for it to be perminent. I still have a way to go, but I am already a much more emotionally healthier person with them gone.
When our relationship ended, I told them my wedding was being postponed and didn’t give them another date. Now that my wedding is actually two months away, I am starting to think:
If I TELL them I am getting married, what then? I can 100% guarantee that them coming to my wedding would be a source of immense stress, and they would cause a scene. I am not close with my extended family (and wasn’t inviting them anyways) so I don’t run any risks there.
But if I told them and didn’t invite them…what would that accomplish? I DO NOT want to open the door of communication with them! They would also do everything in their power to try and ruin my wedding if they knew they werent coming.
But if I don’t tell them…what then? What if they find out?
I’m sorry this is so disjointed, I just can’t seem to organize my thoughts! Has anyone else been through this before? Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 2
I’m sorry you are going through this!! I do not think you should say a word to them – seems like a no brainer to me. The lines of communication are closed and you want to keep them that way, so do. If they find out, you continue to not communicate with them. If they never find out, same deal.
Post # 3
snowflake8: I’m so sorry that you have to worry about this while getting ready for such an exciting day! Weddings are inherently an emotional time and to have it compounded with negative energy like this cannot be easy.
I agree with the soon2bmrsb2016 that it sounds like not inviting them is the best thing to do. Your wedding day is meant to celebrate love, respect, and the mutual promise to protect and honor one another- sounds like your family hasn’t done that for you in quite some time. The way I see it is that if they cannot compromise and understand how significant and important this is to you they should not be welcomed to be apart of it. Your guests should be those who have played a role in supporting you and your Fiance and encouraged the relationship along the way.
Let your day come stress free and without a care for them in mind. Plan it how you want it and see it. Walk down that aisle with your head high, heart full, and mind open. Be the bride you’ve always wanted to on the day it matters most.
It may be a little blunt but a ceratin saying is ringing in my mind currently: “Cheers to those who wish us well and those who don’t can go to hell”.
Hopefully one day they’ll realize the error of their ways and the gravity of knowing they missed their child’s wedding. If that day comes you can offer to show them photos but until then I say you do you and forget about them.
Best of luck!
Post # 4
snowflake8: I wouldn’t tell them. Are you afraid they will somehow find out and show up?
Post # 5
I’m sorry that you have a toxic relationship with your family, but if they have hurt you this many times and you don’t trust them I would NOT open communication up to them. Do not invite them and do not tell them about it at all. If they ask, just tell them some sort of lie.
Post # 6
Don’t say a word and don’t feel guilty about it. You would only tell people who were in your life, and you don’t want them in your life.
if they are as toxic for you as you say, then telling them could only harm you and leave you vulnerable to their next move, which of course would not go well for you.
leave the guilt. Taking care of yourself is your job and you’re doing it.
Post # 7
snowflake8: Don’t tell them. If you want this relationship to permanently be severed, then you need to have NO contact. Also, if you let them know, you can almost guarantee they will cause problems. Why open that door?
If you don’t tell them, they most likely will not find out until after the wedding is over. If they do find out they will do one of two things:
- Not care and not show up- they will act like it never happened which would be the ideal situation for you
- They will prove once and for all why you didn’t tell them and at that point if they show up creating a scene other people will see what they are doing and you can kick them out and you can go back to enjoying your day.
Either way, I wouldn’t tell them anything. They don’t deserve the heads up and I wouldn’t want to open that door for communication if in fact I were trying to shut them out.
Post # 8
Don’t tell them, don’t invite them. If you say anything, they will just use it as an in to start talking to – or in this case harassing – you again. Don’t let them. You have to power to decide whether or not to let them in.
Post # 9
@snowflake8 My mother and I are estranged. I made the mistake of breaking silence to tell her I got engaged, and she took that as an open door to manipulate and hurt me all over again. I closed the door, and will not be telling her about the wedding date or place. I also will not tell her about any future grandchildren that occur. If you don’t want drama, and don’t want the door opened again, I’d aay let it rest and continue to not say anything.
Post # 10
snowflake8: Would you tell a stranger about your wedding? Likely not. Since you want your family to be strangers, don’t speak a word about it!
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Agree with PP. A wedding is a day to celebrate that start of a new chapter surrounded by people who care about your well being and support you, and they have shown themselves to not be those kind of people. Don’t feel bad about not inviting them and not informing them about the wedding. You are doing what’s in the best interest of your mental/emotional health and there is no reason to feel guilty about that.
Post # 12
snowflake8: I haven’t spoken to my mother and aunt for 2 years. My mother is an extremely toxic, emotionally abusive person and my aunt follows in my mother’s footsteps. I didn’t tell them about my engagement, and they will not be invited to my wedding.
Some people just don’t get this because it seems unusual to them. It is, frankly, a tough pill to swallow–knowing that your family won’t be there to support your wedding. But that’s the thing. They should be there to SUPPORT you and be happy for you.
I actually got into a pretty heated debate with one of my bridesmaids over this. She could not accept that I wasn’t going to invite my own mother to my wedding. “You have to, it’s your wedding!” Exactly, it’s my wedding. Sure, inviting my mother to my wedding would make it look to outsiders like we’re one big happy family… but that’s not the case. I’m not giving up my sanity and emotional well-being so that people like my bridesmaid won’t judge me.
If you are emotionally healthier now than you were before, don’t feel like you need to sacrifice that because it’s your wedding. Don’t put extra stress and unhappiness on yourself. Your wedding should be about you and your fiance, not you worrying about your family being there.
Big hugs, bee. PM me if you want to chat privately–I am happy to listen and provide support.
Post # 13
Honestly I wouldn’t invite them.
why Taint your new beginning with their bad attitude and negative energy. Sounds like they’ll be mad either way. Might as well give them a reason to be.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
creativeplannertobee: Deep down, I don’t know WHAT I am really afraid of. There was A LOT of abuse in my house growing up, some things more serious than others…I don’t want to get into the heavier stuff. One of the ‘lighter’ things (if there is such a thing) was my Mother’s need to keep me firmly under her thumb and control as many areas of my life as possible. One point of that was: I was always expected to tell my parents literally EVRYTHING. As in, when I came home from school my Mom would sit me down and grill me on details about my day. If I ever ‘concealed’ even small things (ex: trading snacks with my friends at recess) and she found out later there would be HELL to pay! She even would accuse me of ‘hiding things from her’ if she didn’t find the recounting of my day ‘interesting’ enough. When I graduated highschool she commented how sad she was that her ‘favourite soap opera’ was ending. Don’t even get me started on how she would NEVER let me go to friends houses (even when their parents were home) because she wasn’t able to supervise my every move…even in highschool! I could only go to friend’s birthday parties if she could come to and chaperone. She was OBSESSED with controlling me and what I did and even how I looked! Until the day I moved out she refused to let me leave the house unless she had picked out my outfit and done my hair and makeup to her liking. If I tried to ‘sneak out’ with my own choice of clothes and doing my own hair and makeup, it would start a slew of name calling and I couldn’t leave until she ‘fixed’ my apperance. The sad part is I prefered a more modest and simple look. She would pile on the makeup and put me in tighter, preppier clothes. Anyways……..
Don’t even get me started on how controlling and manupilative she was when I tried involving her in my wedding planning process!
I guess I am just conditioned to be afraid not to tell my parents things.
Post # 15
snowflake8: Oh honey, don’t tell them. It looks like you are having a hotel ballroom wedding. If you have photos of your parents, I would give the hotel a copy-so their security can assure that they can’t attend, if they do show up. You don’t have to have them there. You don’t have to tell them anything. This is your life. You don’t have to open up contact. I wish you much healing, and all the happiness with your soon to be spouse, on your wedding day and for many years to come.