(Closed) Estranged and Engaged

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m sorry you are going through this!!  I do not think you should say a word to them – seems like a no brainer to me.  The lines of communication are closed and you want to keep them that way, so do.  If they find out, you continue to not communicate with them.  If they never find out, same deal.

Post # 3
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

snowflake8: I’m so sorry that you have to worry about this while getting ready for such an exciting day! Weddings are inherently an emotional time and to have it compounded with negative energy like this cannot be easy.

I agree with the soon2bmrsb2016 that it sounds like not inviting them is the best thing to do. Your wedding day is meant to celebrate love, respect, and the mutual promise to protect and honor one another- sounds like your family hasn’t done that for you in quite some time. The way I see it is that if they cannot compromise and understand how significant and important this is to you they should not be welcomed to be apart of it. Your guests should be those who have played a role in supporting you and your Fiance and encouraged the relationship along the way.

Let your day come stress free and without a care for them in mind. Plan it how you want it and see it. Walk down that aisle with your head high, heart full, and mind open. Be the bride you’ve always wanted to on the day it matters most.

It may be a little blunt but a ceratin saying is ringing in my mind currently: “Cheers to those who wish us well and those who don’t can go to hell”.

Hopefully one day they’ll realize the error of their ways and the gravity of knowing they missed their child’s wedding. If that day comes you can offer to show them photos but until then I say you do you and forget about them. 

Best of luck!

Post # 4
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

snowflake8:  I wouldn’t tell them.  Are you afraid they will somehow find out and show up?

Post # 5
901 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry that you have a toxic relationship with your family, but if they have hurt you this many times and you don’t trust them I would NOT open communication up to them. Do not invite them and do not tell them about it at all. If they ask, just tell them some sort of lie.


Post # 6
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Don’t say a word and don’t feel guilty about it. You would only tell people who were in your life, and you don’t want them in your life.

if they are as toxic for you as you say, then telling them could only harm you and leave you vulnerable to their next move, which of course would not go well for you.

leave the guilt. Taking care of yourself is your job and you’re doing it.

Post # 7
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

snowflake8:  Don’t tell them. If you want this relationship to permanently be severed, then you need to have NO contact. Also, if you let them know, you can almost guarantee they will cause problems. Why open that door?

If you don’t tell them, they most likely will not find out until after the wedding is over. If they do find out they will do one of two things:

  • Not care and not show up- they will act like it never happened which would be the ideal situation for you
  • They will prove once and for all why you didn’t tell them and at that point if they show up creating a scene other people will see what they are doing and you can kick them out and you can go back to enjoying your day.

Either way, I wouldn’t tell them anything. They don’t deserve the heads up and I wouldn’t want to open that door for communication if in fact I were trying to shut them out.

Post # 8
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Don’t tell them, don’t invite them. If you say anything, they will just use it as an in to start talking to – or in this case harassing – you again.  Don’t let them.  You have to power to decide whether or not to let them in.

Post # 9
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@snowflake8 My mother and I are estranged. I made the mistake of breaking silence to tell her I got engaged, and she took that as an open door to manipulate and hurt me all over again. I closed the door, and will not be telling her about the wedding date or place. I also will not tell her about any future grandchildren that occur. If you don’t want drama, and don’t want the door opened again, I’d aay let it rest and continue to not say anything. 

Post # 10
575 posts
Busy bee

snowflake8:  Would you tell a stranger about your wedding? Likely not. Since you want your family to be strangers, don’t speak a word about it!

Post # 11
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Agree with PP. A wedding is a day to celebrate that start of a new chapter surrounded by people who care about your well being and support you, and they have shown themselves to not be those kind of people. Don’t feel bad about not inviting them and not informing them about the wedding. You are doing what’s in the best interest of your mental/emotional health and there is no reason to feel guilty about that.

Post # 12
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

snowflake8:  I haven’t spoken to my mother and aunt for 2 years. My mother is an extremely toxic, emotionally abusive person and my aunt follows in my mother’s footsteps. I didn’t tell them about my engagement, and they will not be invited to my wedding. 

Some people just don’t get this because it seems unusual to them. It is, frankly, a tough pill to swallow–knowing that your family won’t be there to support your wedding. But that’s the thing. They should be there to SUPPORT you and be happy for you.

I actually got into a pretty heated debate with one of my bridesmaids over this. She could not accept that I wasn’t going to invite my own mother to my wedding. “You have to, it’s your wedding!” Exactly, it’s my wedding. Sure, inviting my mother to my wedding would make it look to outsiders like we’re one big happy family… but that’s not the case. I’m not giving up my sanity and emotional well-being so that people like my bridesmaid won’t judge me.

If you are emotionally healthier now than you were before, don’t feel like you need to sacrifice that because it’s your wedding. Don’t put extra stress and unhappiness on yourself. Your wedding should be about you and your fiance, not you worrying about your family being there.

Big hugs, bee. PM me if you want to chat privately–I am happy to listen and provide support.

Post # 13
1041 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly I wouldn’t invite them. 

why Taint your new beginning with their bad attitude and negative energy. Sounds like they’ll be mad either way.  Might as well give them a reason to be.

Post # 15
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

snowflake8:  Oh honey, don’t tell them.  It looks like you are having a hotel ballroom wedding.  If you have photos of your parents, I would give the hotel a copy-so their security can assure that they can’t attend, if they do show up.  You don’t have to have them there.  You don’t have to tell them anything.  This is your life. You don’t have to open up contact.  I wish you much healing, and all the happiness with your soon to be spouse, on your wedding day and for many years to come.  

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