(Closed) Etiquette

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

FWIW my husband and I also have a spreadsheet that we made which says how much everyone gave us for our wedding. I don’t think that’s weird. We made it with regards to thank you notes (for example, if they were very generous we would write “very generous gift” rather than “generous gift” haha), but we’ve kept the spreadsheet for the same reason as you. It’s nice to match what people got us! A few people gave us $1000+, and while we’d probably not give that much to an average person, it’s good to remember who gave us that so that we can reciprocate one day!

I do understand your dilemma. My cousin and his girlfriend gave us nothing, and I’ve been thinking about what we’ll do when they get married. I would never give nothing for a gift, but I probably wouldn’t give them $500+! In your case, however, I think you should give the same as you’d give any other friend in your circle. I don’t think your friend will be offended. Maybe a little embarrassed when she realizes how little she gave you, but that’s no reason not to give her more money.

Post # 48
7577 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I can guarantee you that the only one thinking about a wedding present you were given two years ago is you.

Post # 49
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

When I lived overseas I went to a coworker’s wedding.  In that country, everyone gives cash and the mothers of the bride/groom record the amounts in a special book.  Then, when the couple attends your wedding, they give you the same amount.  So… it’s definitely a thing!!


That being said, I would give her what you would give if you were going to any friend’s wedding.  She may not remember what she gave you anyway.

Post # 50
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I kept a list of what everyone gave us for thank-you note purposes, but I just put “$$” rather than the exact amount for those who gave money. I think you’re absolutely overthinking this. Give what you normally give. Wedding gifts aren’t a quid pro quo thing. 

This is making me glad that my usual go-to is a physical gift shipped directly to the HC from their registry a few weeks before the wedding- physical gifts are a lot harder to compare!

Post # 51
29 posts

“If I went to a wedding, and gave $100 and that person came to my wedding and gave me $500, I would feel horrible.”

I wouldn’t. I’ve only been working for 2 years, so all the weddings I’ve been to have been with my family/as a student. I didn’t buy them anything.

I went to a friend’s wedding alone and gave her £20, because it cost me a fair bit to get there and I had to pay £60 for a hotel room! That was quite a lot for me at the time.

If that friend goes to my wedding and gives me £100, no way would I be embarrassed. We are at different stages in our lives now. What you are doing IS bean counting, and assuming people will be “offended” if you buy them smaller presents. They won’t. No-one cares.

Post # 54
13921 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Since you’re asking as an etiquette question, the only appropriate guideline is your budget and the closeness of the relationship. Gift giving is not, nor should it have to be tit for tat. 

While budget may or may not have been the issue for her and is obviously not a limiting factor for you, I think it’s presumptuous to assume anything about your friend’s finances. 

You have no idea what other obligations or savings objectives she has and if “cover the plate” is the idea here that is also a concept etiquette finds deplorable. 

But if you are that uncomfortable giving so much more and I’m not so rigid that I can’t understand why you might feel that way, just give something in between. 

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