(Closed) Etiquette: a few questions. (long)

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
30398 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Naegleria : 

1. There is no obligation to invite the childhood friends. They are no longer a part of FI’s life. Should their parents misinterpret the invitation “I’m sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding. The invitation was for __ and __. We are unable to accommodate extra guests. If that means you will be unable to attend, we will miss you at the wedding.”

2. You are under no obligation to have your father walk you down the aisle or dance with him. You may need to be a bit more assertive- “I’m not going to” is much stronger than ” I don’t want to”.  Tell your FMIL” You are an amazing, smart and caring woman. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I need you to accept my decision and trust that there are good reasons for my making these choices”.

 

Post # 3
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I agree with PP. You’ve got zero obligation to your family if you’re not close.

Future Mother-In-Law is just going to have to come to the realisation that it isn’t happening. You aren’t going to have a stranger walk you down the aisle and you aren’t going to dance with them. I’m quite up front but I would say ‘No, I’m not doing that’ and leave it at that – not up for discussion.

Post # 4
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Naegleria :  THIS IS YOUR WEDDING. YOUR. WEDDING. So you do what YOU want. This is YOUR father daughter dance and if you dont want it you dont have to do it. This is YOUR walk down the aisle, if you dont want to do it, you don’t do it. Since you have a good relationship whith your Future Mother-In-Law, you can just nicely say that you have decided to not fo those things and your decision is final and although your respect her and her opinion this is not something you want for yourself on your wedding day, because of your toxic relationship with your father and ask her to not bring it up ever again. Or better yet get your Fiance to convey that message for you. You should not do things that make you want to puke and cry on your wedding day. This is supposed to be a happy day and you are entitled to do as you please. 

Post # 5
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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Naegleria :  Is your Future Father-In-Law in the picture? If you get on as well with him as you do with you Future Mother-In-Law, could you compromise and walk down the aisle with him? Otherwise I would just tell her that you’re very sorry, but it’s not going to happen. It’s your wedding, not her.

FWIW i adore my Dad and we have a very close relationship, but I still wouldn’t do a father daughter dance with him. I find it a bit weird.

Post # 6
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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Naegleria :  1. No you do not need to invite these people unless your Fiance wants to

2. You are never required to do those things. If you are uncomfortable with them then stick to your guns.

Is your Future Mother-In-Law pushing the idea of the father-daughter dance because she wants a mother-son dance? If so can you dance with someone else? Mother/grandfather/uncle or another person who has influenced and guided your life.

Post # 7
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

1. Definitely no obligation to invite childhood friends, don’t invite them.

2. No obligation to have your father walk you down the isle or have a father daughter dance. My father isn’t attending my wedding and doesn’t even know about it. My Future Mother-In-Law found this difficult to deal with at first but I just made my decision very clear from the start and she dropped the subject.

Post # 8
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Oof yeah the father daughter thing is a tough one. I originally wanted my mother to walk me down the isle but now I think I’m going to walk down by myself. I Was never a fan of the “one man trading his daughter to another man” like we are property or something. 

to me it seems like you raised yourself and you are strong and independent. Walk your damn self down the isle. You will look incredible! 

Tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you’re not for the exchange of property thing and it upsets you. She should understand. ITS YOUR WEDDING! 

Post # 9
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

These aren’t etiquette questions girl! These are “how to deal with my demanding mother in law” questions. No part of you is breaching etiquette no matter what you do here. 

1.  If I invited everyone I’ve been camping with, I’d double my guest list. Absolutely not. And adults shouldn’t be RSVPIng for their adult children. 

2. No no no. Be firm with her but you absolutely don’t have to do those things and absolutely shouldn’t if it makes you feel uncomfortable. 

Sounds like you just need to stand your ground a little higher. Your wants are totally valid, and hers are completely unreasonable. 

Post # 10
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

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Naegleria :  Sweets, this is YOUR wedding and when you left at 18 –it was because you needed to take control of your life and you should continue doing this.  Write down, and I mean this, write down the list of things that you aren’t doing, -dancing with dad, walking down the isle with him, and any others that she wants and give her the list and tell her, not up for discussion again. Firmly.  Your fiance should be in on this conversation also backing you up 100%. 

About inviting the extra friends, you and your fiance should make that call and stick with your mutual decision.  Stand strong and live the life you want to live!!  good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

1. Absolutely don’t invite them, what they did together as children has no relevance now.

2. Oh HELLZ no. This is not her wedding, this day isn’t about her at all. You need to firmly say: “I hear what you’re saying but this is my decision and it isn’t up for debate.” Do not spoil this experience for yourself just to appease her! 

Post # 12
Member
4798 posts
Honey bee

You are under no obligation to invite anyone.  FYI – this includes parents, too.

As for how to address it with your Future Mother-In-Law re: “traditions”, be firm and tell her it’s not her father, therefore not her call.  She is more than free to get married and plan a wedding of her own and take part in all the traditions she wants, but she needs to respect your decisions at your wedding regarding the boundaries you set with your own family.  Not everyone regrets cutting toxic people out of their lives and it’s unfair for her to project her own issues onto you, which is what it sounds like she’s doing.  Tell her that.

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