- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
This is really long – thanks for bearing with me.
FI and I are getting married in September, so I’m surprised we are even thinking about bridal showers at this point, but alas that is where we are. It would be my preference to have only 1 bridal shower for everyone. It would likely be thrown by my sister and my best friend, who are my MOHs, I have no other bridesmaids. FIs family lives a few hours away from my parents (FI and I also live a few hours away in the opposite direction) so while I would ask the MOHs to invite his mom, sister and 1-2 aunts along with 10-12 women from my family – I don’t really expect them to attend.
FIs mom has now decided that she would like to throw a bridal shower for his side of the family. FI knew my preferences about having 1 very small shower so he told his Mom that she didn’t need to throw a shower. She insisted that she did. He mentioned that he thought I might like to have 1 shower with all family, rather than splitting up the sides…she made a passive aggressive comment that, “a lady doesn’t have anything to say about nice things that are done for her,” and made a point that showers should be a surprise. In her mind I should just be entirely clueless of everything – including the date and guest list. She hasn’t even told FI the date because she is uncomfortable talking about this since he is a guy and showers are only for women.
Since I have limited days off work and would have to take a 6 hour train ride to get to where the shower would be and I really prefer a super small party I decided to give FMILs email address to my best friend and let her coordinate so that FMIL didn’t have to tell me everything but I don’t wind up having to take off work multiple weekends in a row etc. I wasn’t thrilled with the situation, but I was willing to deal with it.
My friend has since informed me that FMIL plans on turning a big 4th of July family get-together into a bridal shower. This is a problem for several reasons. 1: I didn’t plan on going to the 4th of July get-together this year since I have so few days off work. If I go, I’m going to have to skip an upcoming wedding on FIs side and I thought the wedding would be more important. 2: This is a really big family get together and there will be people invited just because they’re there that I don’t think should be invited to a gift-giving event. People like my FIs cousin’s girlfriends. 3: I feel uncomfortable that a shower for just FIs side will be 2-3 times the size of the shower for my family & friends. 4: I much prefer at least some family on each side (moms?) to be included and that won’t happen here.
I was and am really upset about this. The whole situation makes me so uncomfortable. We’ve been careful to include FIs parents in wedding planning and they are planning the rehearsal dinner on their own, so I don’t really understand why FMIL feels the need to throw a huge bridal shower.
FI has suggested he call his mom and discuss a few different options. Option A: we have the party when and where they want but we don’t call it a shower and we make it for both FI and I. Basically means no gifts. Option B: we go to the 4th of July celebration as guests and the next day have a very small shower for just immediate family at FIs parents house.
I’m not thrilled with either of these options, because I’ll still have to miss FIs cousin’s wedding, which I think is more important, but I get that I have to choose the biggest issue, which is too much gift-giving.
FI has said that while he understands I’m upset and is willing to discuss this with his Mom he doesn’t really see why.
Am I wrong for being upset about this? Should a bride-to-be get any say in the date and/or guest list of a bridal shower thrown in her honor? What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to cause a huge problem between myself and FMIL – but I’m not gonna lie, if she does this knowing it is not what I want, I’m gonna be offended and hurt and I will remember that.