Post # 1
ok, so i have only been a member of weddingbee for maybe a month? i came across the boards on here when i was looking for pics of real brides wearing the dress i was considering buying. so i started spending a lot of time in the dress boards because it was so much fun! a whole community online of people just like me – that is obsessed about their wedding and want to share everything and get opinions on anything! it was amazing. i was having so much fun in the “dress” category that i didn’t bother checking out the other boards. one thing i loved was how everyone was so supportive and nice to each other.
then i got curious about the other boards. particularly “emotional” “etiquette” “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” and OMG have i been shocked a few times. the way people attack each other is SO ridiculous. people come on here to vent, which i understand, and then others berate them for it! i feel so bad for some girls sometimes when they receive comments like “shame on you” “how can you live with yourself” and i have seen MUCH worse …..as evidenced by a recent thread that had to be closed it was getting so snarky!!! and over what? how we should have our guests RSVP!!!
anyway, this is my vent to say, wow we need to CHILL OUT! i really thought the purpose of these boards was to be supportive and get ideas and opinions and let out some good old stress venting that we can’t do with the real people in our lives. i mean everyone has negative or bad feelings they “shouldn’t” have about someone or something. who are we to judge?
Post # 3
Thank you for saying it! <3
Post # 4
I just think people need to get over themselves. I think people get off on feeling like they are better than someone that they will never meet. It is pretty small and petty of them, but it makes them feel “classy” or something to pass judgement!
Honestly though, I couldn’t care less if some anonymous stranger on here is “offended” by something I did at my wedding. I broke rules left, right and centre. Guess what, I had so many compliments on the originality, and personality of our wedding.
Post # 5
I wish there was a “LIKE” button for your post!!!
Post # 6
i totally agree. half the time i want to comment but don’t because there’s no point in fueling the fire either way. i try to remember that brides get stressed and sometimes say things they don’t mean, but i think people also feel that because it’s annonymous they can say whatever they want. people still have feelings. if you wouldn’t say it to your friend, you shouldn’t say it on here just to be mean; just keep it to yourself. the planning process is so different for everyone and involves so many different factors. it’s that very judgement that made me so insecure about many of my wedding choices. we had a beautiful budget wedding that unfortunately was preceeded by too much worrying about what others would think.
Post # 7
I think there are a couple of things going on here. First, the Internet is just generally conducive to rudeness. The more people you have, the more likely that at least one will be rude. And as PPs have noticed, the nonrude become more reluctant to post if someone has posted something rude already. So the rude ones drive out the nonrude ones.
The second problem is that brides are often very stressed out. This society puts a lot of emphasis on the wedding day being “special” and even “perfect.” At the same time, most of the people planning weddings have never planned one before. So you’ve got people who are doing something for the first time, and think they have to do it perfectly, and that’s just a recipe for stress. And when people are stressed out, they get snappish.
I don’t think there is any magic “cure” for all this, other than trying to ignore the rudeness, and trying not to be rude ourselves.
Post # 8
Its one thing, to have a harsh truth or maybe offend someone because peoples views are different and some people are sensitive in general… people forget that even though something may be tacky or taboo in some regions is definitely acceptable in others.. I dont thing there is any excuse to personally attack someone, its sad that some people dont have enough control to find a decent way to say that they disagree with the way someone is acting!
Post # 9
I always miss these crazy threads! Honestly I dont know why some threads get so heated. I guess its just easy to say things on the internet because your name isnt necessarily attached to it. I bet if our usernames linked to our facebook accounts there would be a lot fewer incidences of snarkiness and catty women!
Post # 10
There’s a lot of confusion out there about etiquette.
A lot of the unfamiliar things that people plan for their wedding are matters of style, not etiquette. It’s not good or bad manners to throw or not throw a bouquet. It’s not good or bad manners to have or not have corsages or centrepieces, or to serve or not serve alcohol — really. But style is still important to people, sometimes so important that if a poster says “I would never hold a party where there was no alcohol” then the person with a “dry” wedding feels attacked. And when the first poster in that scenario, instead of taking ownership of her opinion with an “I” statement, words it as “Who the <e.d.> would want to go to a dry wedding? I mean what the <e.d.>!!!???” it really does come across as an attack. The best you can do when your style is denigrated in that way is reassure yourself that the denigrator’s lack of sophistication is showing: more experienced hostesses will be familiar with the variety of styles that are appropriate to different situations.
Etiquette itself is a big subject and is not restricted to just wedding behaviour, or just formalities, and includes a whole list of alternative rules for different situations. It’s like studying Law, or learning another language. Just because you learned the word “Apple” to refer to that red thing on the teacher’s desk doesn’t mean the words “Macintosh” or “Fruit” are wrong — but they aren’t interchangeable either. And just because black engraving on white vellum is “correct formal protocol” doesn’t mean that red ink on coloured paper is wrong either. They’re not interchangeable, and each one is preferred in different circumstances. As 2dBride points out, most brides are just learning the language of etiquette, and, not realizing how complex it is, think that the same answer is right for everyone.
There *are* definitive answers in that are correct etiquette or clear violations of etiquette. Wearing blue jeans to a wedding is WRONG if a formal invitation was issued and no indication was given that blue jeans would be acceptable. But wearing a cute-but-modest blue cocktail dress is equally WRONG if the invitation indicated “we’ll be getting married in the wheat field on the north forty, so please dress comfortably”. And there are definitively true or false claims about etiquette, tradition and culture. People are going to make statements they believe to be true, and disagree with statements they believe to be false, and even if they do so politely they may sill be perceived as “attacking”. I would rather have the truth and honest opinions than the bland flood of “it’s your day; you can do whatever you want” advice that you see on some boards.
Finally, etiquette isn’t just about not hurting people’s feelings. It’s also about avoiding people’s thinking badly about *you*. Some things brides do are not “offensive”, but tend to make them appear materialistic or insensitive. This is the most sensitive use of these boards. Just because your guests didn’t tell you “I’m offended” or “I’m disappointed in you” doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. They may simply be politely holding their tongues. Isn’t it better to have a bunch of strangers on the internet say “you might want to rethink that” BEFORE your friends and family have anything to hold their tongues about? Of course that does require that we internet strangers actually put effort toward explaining the problem, rather than just posting a quick off-the-cuff “how tacky!” condemnation.
Post # 11
” Finally, etiquette isn’t just about not hurting people’s feelings. It’s also about avoiding people’s thinking badly about *you*. Some things brides do are not “offensive”, but tend to make them appear materialistic or insensitive. This is the most sensitive use of these boards. Just because your guests didn’t tell you “I’m offended” or “I’m disappointed in you” doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. They may simply be politely holding their tongues. Isn’t it better to have a bunch of strangers on the internet say “you might want to rethink that” BEFORE your friends and family have anything to hold their tongues about? Of course that does require that we internet strangers actually put effort toward explaining the problem, rather than just posting a quick off-the-cuff “how tacky!” condemnation. “
This is exactly it.
While I would never, as a guest, tell a bride that what she was doing is *wrong*, because that would even be “tackier” than anything she is doing, there are some things I find distasteful (things I don’t need to bring up again, as I’m sure we all know what are the hot topics in this area). Some brides don’t care that their guests find some parts of their wedding distasteful. More power to them.
However, if the bride that was committing these errors was my sister or good friend, and I knew about this before the wedding, I would tell her she should really think about whatever she was going to do.