Post # 1
I have an etiquette question that is causing lots of heartburn right now. My FH and I are having a small wedding (~75 people) and have placed a restriction on plus 1s. Essentially anyone that is living with someone, engaged, or married was automatically invited. All other SOs were not. One of our close family friends has been dating a girl for over two years and though they do not live together she has been invited to every family gathering and a proposal is eminent. We would like to be able to include her in our guest list but my mother has raised some concerns over possible hurt feelings from others (most notably my sister who has been dating her current boyfriend for a month now). I can understand her concern and with pressure to invite and not invite from both sides I’d like a third party opinion. So bees, what would you do?
Post # 3
Id invite the 2+ years SO. Your sister has to understand that 1 month doesn’t equal 2+ years.
Post # 4
Just so you know this is probably going to be a heated debate. There are MANY threads on here with the same question.
Here is my answer to your actual question:
Invite the girlfriend, you should at minimum extend your definition to “serious relationships” as no everyone wants to/gets to live together before marriage.
Here is the rant (aka what I REALLY want to say)
You need to understand that when you split couples along these types of line, you are saying to your guests “I do not deem your relationship as legitimate as other’s who’ve shacked up.” That’s a pretty crappy message to send. I do not think you should split up couples (or “social units”) for a wedding. It’s just not right.
That said, before I was married I did have one wedding that I was invited to on my own and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I was pretty surprised and at first a little miffed, but in the end 1) I felt lucky to be invited at all as I was probably on the cusp of the guest list, 2) there were dozens of my university friends there, so it’s not like I was alone, 3) it was a Sunday evening wedding so I left before dancing anyway, 4) the couple didn’t know my partner well, 5) my partner really wanted to go on a camping trip with his buddies that weekend.
So I guess even people like me who think it’s a crappy thing to do, are fine with it in the right situation.
Post # 5
You’re the couple getting married, you decide who gets a plus one.
Post # 6
I would definintely invite her. From how you described the relationship she is not just a girlfriend but also a significant other. I agree with @cbgg:
in that only inviting couples who are living together vs. not living together is not deeming their relationship as legitimate as those who are living together.
Post # 7
@Arcknitect: I think if you put a rule in place, it applies to everyone. The proposal hasn’t happened yet and there is no guarantee that it will. Like your sister, I would be pissed too…I got engaged after 3 months so who is to say that a years long relationship is more legitimate? No matter what your invitee rule is, it should apply to each guest.
Post # 9
I went back to review the guest list and realized my mistake. Only my sister and family friend even have SOs that aren’t invited. Now, we unfortunately can’t do plus ones for everyone, but we can certainly swing 2 extra people. Problem seems to be solved. Thank you for your comments. It was a great refresher and helped me take a second look at the situation. It’s always harder when you can only see black or white and not the big picture.
Post # 10
Awesome, glad it worked out!
Post # 11
@Arcknitect: That’s great, everybody wins 🙂