(Closed) Etiquette for inviting ex to engagement party and wedding

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should I do?

    Put aside my concerns and invite Tess to the engagement party and wedding

    Look after my feelings and insist that Tess not receive an invite

  • Post # 121
    Member
    2452 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    View original reply
    missrosa:  Hold on. First, I still call BS on ‘getting to know his friends by reading their private conversations’. Why not just have your Fiance tell you about his friends? Why not look on their more public wall to see their interests? I don’t believe reading a private message between 2 people is necessary to get to know them. If I want to know my husband’s friends I don’t listen in on their phone calls. That’s weird to me.

    Also, your sentiment about wanting to know everyone he’s slept with. Okay, I can agree with you on some points. I actually know all the names and relationship dynamics of all the women my husband has slept with and he knows the same about mine. It wasn’t some sit-down, lay-it-on-the-table conversation but over the years, we’ve come to know these details. So I’m not saying that’s wrong. I think it kind of counters your entire argument about Tess though. She’s someone who helped shape who your Fiance is today (whom you love, so that’s a good thing right?). Wouldn’t, in  your logic, meeting her help you understand your Fiance even more? Also, you can meet her now with no surprises. You know exactly what went on and if there is truly no jealousy or insecurity, why would that be a problem? Do I personally want to meet and be friends with every girl my DH has slept with? No. Do I personally know a few of them? Yes, by coincidence. I don’t care to seek out his one night stands but if he remained friends with them, I want to meet them. For the sheer fact that she is a friend of his and an important person in his life (unlike the one night stands or the women he doesn’t speak to anymore). If you’re so very concerned about learning about the friends and people in your FI’s life, those who have helped form the person he is today, why not meet Tess and allow your Fiance to share his special day with a friend of his? If there is any worry of residual feelings on her end, having her at your engagement party/wedding will definitely prove to her that she has no chance.

    I guess I’m still in the minority here and I can’t fully understand the other side of this (though I’m trying, even though it may not seem like it). Random hook ups – I get not wanting them around. But friends? I guess I don’t understand it because one of my very good friends is my husband’s ex girlfriend. She was at our wedding and we’re hanging out with her and her husband this weekend. One of my old friends whom I hooked up with was my sister’s date to our wedding too. Past is the past, why let it ruin your present?

    I’m not trying to put you down or insult your feelings. You’re entitled to feel exactly how you’re feeling. I’m just trying to point out the other side of this, put a little food for thought in there to help ease your situation. Your FI’s side of this: he has no feelings for her. He loves YOU and what he did with Tess doesn’t hold a candle to the relationship he has with you.

    Post # 123
    Member
    648 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    View original reply
    missrosa:  i don’t know if this was said or not… but, i think it’s pretty obnoxious & unerving that he is putting her feelings before yours. he’s worried about her feelings being hurt if she’s not invited, but the fact that you’d be uncomfortable at your OWN engagement party is not a concern… i don’t know, something is OFF here. 

    also, it would be pretty rude of his friends to question why an ex-fling/gf/whatever isn’t at his engagement party. & if his friends WERE rude enough to ask, there are hundreds of easy ways to answer that all fall under the category of “who invites ex’s to engagement parties and weddings?!” 

    Post # 124
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee

    Sounds like he lied because he knew he then couldn’t invite her to the wedding and party, and this so happens to be the only person he’s slept with who he wants at the wedding. If she is a true friend I can understand him being really uncomfortable with not inviting her (more ucomfortable than you should be with something that happened 6 years ago). The day is just as much about him as it is you. I think if you’re marrying someone, you’re at the point where you trust and respect eachother 100%, making lists of who eachother has slept with to make sure they dont get invited to the wedding seems rediculous and immature.

    Post # 125
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee

    Also – if its just about the fact that he lied, fine, get angry about that, but it shouldn’t now be used as a reason he can’t invite his friend to his own wedding (like thats his punishment for lying). People lie in relationships all the time, usually more so when one partner is jealous, insecure, unreasonable and invades the other’s privacy (I dont care if he’s “ok” with you reading his private conversations, its still wrong). I’d never want to be wih someone who wanted to keep tabs on who ive slept with, how close I am with those people, what our conversations were etc. You would save yourself a lot of stress if you stopped analyzing everything to death.

     

    That said, it soulds like you had a bad experience with your ex husband, to pack up and leave like that (whether there was a good reason or not) has to effect your outlook on relationships. a year and a half is a super short relationship in my books, maybe give this more time before you jump into marriage?

    Post # 126
    Member
    203 posts
    Helper bee

    I would take issue with the lying most definitely. I also think that him saying he won’t invite ANY of his friends if she’s not there is very manipulative and childish. He should be putting your interests first and not hers.

    Post # 127
    Member
    13967 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I’m glad that Fiance seems to have come to his senses and that he’s apologized. He gets brownie points for the self deprecating humor, too! That said, the lying still bothers me a lot, as does the fact that it took you backing down all the way for him to come around. 

    Control and honesty are two huge issues in a relationship. I reject the advice from PPs that attempt to justify his lies. There was really no excuse for them, and if it were me it would take more than “sorry” to rebuild trust fully. My advice would be to make the investment in some premarital counseling. 

    Post # 128
    Member
    3756 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

    We will address they lying in a moment.

    First:

    I say this with love, but I think you may have to let Tess come. Especially because your Fiance is saying he doesn’t want any of his friends to come if she can’t. The LAST thing you want is to be percieved as THAT wife (the type who doesn’t let her DH see his friends).

    If it makes you feel any better, my Future Sister-In-Law was in the same situation. Her DH (my FBIL) wanted to invite his best female friend. They have known each other for years, and he considers her his BEST friend. Ten years prior to the wedding they had a drunken one night stand. My Future Sister-In-Law REALLY didn’t want her to come, but she relented. She ended up having a nice chat with the girl, and while they aren’t friends, they are at least civil in social settings.

    Now as for the lying….

    Firstly, WHY did he lie? So long as you can prove he isn’t cheating on you (even emotionally) with Tess…then we have to look at the bigger picture. Have you considered (and this is me merely playing devil’s advocate here) he only lied because he knew how you would react and just wanted his friend to be with him on his special day? I’m NOT saying that lying is ok, but maybe he just didn’t want you to worry. Some people want to have their cake and eat it too.

    Post # 129
    Member
    5304 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    missrosa:  I truly do appreciate your thoughtful reply to my post to you, I will say this for you- you seem willing to listen to other people’s perspectives.

    But something I don’t understand- why would your Fiance bother lying to you if he knows you read through his pm’s & is okay with that? Doesn’t add up.

    I still don’t think you’re being honest with yourself about why you read through his pm’s. As mentioned above, you could look at their public Walls on FB etc.

    And your comment about being in a grocery store and would like to be aware if someone you bump into has slept with your Fiance – I’m sorry, but that comment sounds weird and insecure and fixated. Your mind always seems to go there. There’s a difference between knowing the basics of your partners’ past & constantly dwelling on his past.

    I think you’re trying to justify your thoughts & actions to paint a picture of being more okay with things than you actually are. But the sad thing is I think you’re making yourself unhappy in doing so. Please don’t focus on your FI’s past so much that it’s preventing you from enjoying your present & future together. 

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