(Closed) Etiquette for planning wedding dates

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It is a shame she feels this way. Has she set a date yet? You and your Fiance need to look at a calendar and come up with a few dates that work for you (depending on how much you need to save, work, weather, whatever). Then ask immediate family if they have a conflict. As long as you are at least a month away from hers, that is not a conflict. They will get over it and come. Or they won’t and it will make them look small. Just don’t feed into the drama and don’t plan your life on their wedding (which could get postponned or canceled).

Post # 4
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh geeze, they are WAY out of line, not you.  You and your Fiance should definitely not have to change any of your plans nor wait for them to get married first.  How ridiculous that they should demand that of you.  You each get one day, that’s it!  So don’t worry, you are not a terrible person by any means!  Have your wedding when it works best for you and your Fiance. 

However, I will say that if they do pick a day before you (and put a deposit down on a venue) you should probably try and space your wedding out a bit to make it easier on your guests.  I’d say +/- 2 months would be a good buffer.

Post # 5
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Just ignore her.  Go with what you want & what works for you.  If they have not set a date, then that makes everything fair game.  Good luck & congrats on your engagement!

Post # 6
Member
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would ignore what they are wanting to do. My brother and his gf got engaged months before us. Even though Fiance and I have been together MUCH longer than they have, she was trying to have her wedding before us. Well, they could never set a date and very recently, my brother found out she was cheating so I doubt if they are even going to have a wedding anytime soon now. At first we were planning on having the wedding in April 2013 but a month ago I said screw their plans, and I did what I wanted to do and moved the wedding up to this year like Fiance and I both wanted 2. I’m glad I did this because now they aren’t even having a wedding. Do whats best for you and Fiance. In the end, you wont regret it.

Post # 8
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

“they are not having their wedding for at least a year! With no definite plans.”

Your Future Sister-In-Law is a piece of work. I’m not sure what “threats of not having a wedding at all” means- that they are threatening YOU somehow, or saying they won’t get married if you do? 

This girl is incredibly immature. Make your plans- and don’t share any details with her, until they’re booked (ex. venue & date.) If she has a hissy fit, let her. If she says they’re not coming to your wedding, their loss. 

How soon after her engagement was yours? If it was within a week or so, I can see her being a little miffed- but you didn’t control the engagement, your Fiance did.

 

Post # 9
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you need to try to be considerate, while not letting her dictate your wedding planning.  So, if she is trying to plan a Spring 2013 wedding, don’t also plan a Spring 2013 wedding.  Give a 3 month buffer one direction or another.  I also wouldn’t discuss your venue/colors/plans with her at all.  Period.  Just plan your wedding and mail Save the Dates.

Post # 10
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Pick the date that works best for you. No matter what date you pick, someone somewhere will complain, but no one owns any particular day of the year. Guests who want to be there and truly love you will do whatever it takes to get there regardless of the date you decide on.

Post # 11
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@MrsLulu:  *Really* good idea on letting Future Sister-In-Law have her “season” for the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@rebwana:  I know here on the Bee people feel really strongly that no one owns a day/week/month/season, but I think that we all should be concientious of our friends and family, if we can.  I would have loved a Spring wedding, but my BFF planned and saved for 1.5 years to have an April 2012 wedding out of state.  I felt she deserved her season and I wanted to be able to enjoy celebrating her being the bride.  When May rolled around and she was home from her honeymoon, she was able to begin celebrating me being the bride for my July 2012 wedding.  It wouldn’t have been the same for either of us if I had scheduled a May wedding. 

Post # 13
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

No one has the right to tell you that you have to wait until after she does to be married.

If they aren’t getting married for at least a year, and if you and your Fiance would like to be married within the next year, then I think you should be able to plan your wedding without any concerns about their plans.

The only consideration I think that you may want to extend is, if they do select a date before you select yours, then you may want to choose a date that is no closer than one month before (or after, as the case may be) theirs, simply for the convenience of any family who may need to travel for both weddings. 

Best wishes on your engagement!

Post # 14
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

She is being absolutely ridiculous and if I were you, I would tell her to f- off.

I have known several couples who got engaged after us and who are marrying before us. One couple being my soon-to-be father in law and his soon-to-be wife! She should be nothing but happy for you and if she isn’t, well too bad. You guys should get married WHENEVER you want. If she is serious about not moving forward with her own wedding because of something so petty, then frankly you did your brother a favor lol.  

Post # 15
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ditto PPs, she is being ridiculous.  Set a date for when it works for you and your Fiance.  If she and your bro have an approximate time that they are thinking, then I would try to plan yours with a 2+ month buffer, before or after, perhaps longer if your family needs to travel longer distances.

Really, though, she gets ONE day.  And so do you.  People get engaged all the time, and if you’re around the same ages, then yes, there will be multiple family weddings in the same year.  That’s just how things go.

Post # 16
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I feel bad for you… hopefully you can work this out somehow.

First off, she has NO RIGHT dictating anything. Period.

That said, though it is good etiquette that if two Engagements are announced within the same Family, that the first one announced, should make their choice of a date, before those who announced second.

They would pick their date and then make some formal annoucement to that effect (ie Printed Engagement Annoucement (either by mailout or in a Newspaper’s Social Section) – OR Save the Date Cards sent out)

That would certainly be the respectful thing to do for your Brother (ya need to talk to him one-on-one to get an idea of WHEN they are thinking of getting married).  In olden days, it wasn’t uncommon for siblings to have a joint wedding, so this is where this tradition comes from (see NOTE below)

IF their date, it is within the next 12 months, then most certainly the kind thing to do would be for them to marry first… BUT if it is beyond that timeframe (ie they aren’t going to marry until after May 2013) then you can do as you please.

NOTE – Part of the reasoning historically behind either having a joint wedding or a significant seperation of dates, is that it could be a financial hardship for your Guests to attend 2 Weddings fairly close together (especially so if they have to travel).  In modern times, joint weddings are less popular (not many Brides want to share their big event… hence the comments from your Brother’s Fiance that you are “stealing HER thunder”)… BUT Guests having to endure expenses is a valid one.  In the very least, I’d say that try to have a gap of 3 or 4 months between the two dates (EDIT TO ADD – Notice now that others have chimed in as well in this regard, with the idea of their being “Seasons” for each Wedding)

PS… An Elopement of course, is always an option… and then “their dates” and yours really don’t matter at all

Hope this helps,

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