Etiquette help: Invited to the engagement party but not wedding

posted 4 weeks ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

The guests shouldn’t have to pay for the party! A bottle of wine or something is a nice gesture and don’t feel pressured to do more. 

Post # 17
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s generally regarded as poor form to invite someone to an engagement party and not the wedding. It’s tacky for the hostess to hint around at wanting financial help for the party. Bring a hostess gift if you really want to, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to. If the hostess is hard up, that’s her problem.

Post # 18
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Esplanade Lakes Ballroom, Downers Grove IL

I’m sorry that you were not invited to the wedding – that sucks :(. But just wondering… how do you know you won’t be invited to the wedding? From my experience, engagement parties are done months before invitations are sent out. It is very likely that the couple might not even have written their wedding guest list yet. One possible reason is that maybe the hostess/bride wanted an engagement party to celebrate with local friends, and wedding was reserved more for out of town people/family members? The other issue might be that the bride herself is not planning this party, so it might not be fair to blame her for the discrepancy. These are just some possible explanations I thought.

Gifts: For my engagement party, almost everyone brought a gift of some kind but we really were not expecting that at all – it was a pleasant surprise. It’s definitely rude of the hostess to hint multiple times at that, but I still feel you should bring one even if it’s small. A nice wedding planning book(s) makes a great useful +thoughtful $20-$30 engagement party gift!

Post # 20
Member
327 posts
Helper bee

Would not attend. And frankly, I would say something to the host indicating how her ask for you to pitch in for the party is inappropriate. People won’t learn unless someone calls them out on their shit.

Post # 21
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I wouldn’t even go. I’m also not sure why you think this is something “you can’t stay away from” I’d have no problem declining a party that exists to celebrate the event I’m not actually invited to. But this is why rude people get to keep on being rude. Now, if someone else in her circle is thinking of doing something like this she’ll be able to say, “you can definitely invite people to the engagement party who are not invited to the wedding. I did it and nobody had a problem with it”

Post # 22
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I got married in June, and the one thing I learned is that people have vastly differently ideas as to what’s acceptable. In my opinion if you are hosting the party, it’s in poor taste to ask for people to contribute.  If someone offers, then maybe. The hostess probably deserves a a small token gift for hosting the party. 

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