(Closed) Etiquette Rant- Irrational but annoyed. :(

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Etiquette changes with time, so some of the things they hound you about may not actually be standard etiquette today. Miss Manners and Emily Post are always updating to keep up with trends while still focusing on avoiding accidental (or worse, purposeful) rudeness.

Some people also call things etiquette that are actually tradition.

My point is that you may be right on some of these points. On the ones they are right on, give it some consideration. No one wants to be a rude host. But, don’t stress out. This is a fun and joyous time.

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@bellapiece:  Is there something in particular that is upsetting and you want some feedback on how to deal with?  The bees are super helpful, but better when we have details/context 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m going to suggest in total seriousness that you pick up a copy of Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. For one, I suspect it’ll make you smile a bit, which is a plus when people are bringing you down. Two, you’ll be able to see which of the etiquette issues your families have raised may be something you ought to consider. Three, it’ll give you ammunition for the times when, in fact, they’ve got the etiquette all wrong (’cause who wants to argue with Miss Manners ;)?)

The main thing to consider when having a wedding is to make sure you’re not being actually rude to your guests. Having a modern, casual wedding isn’t rude, it’s just different from what your families are used to. As the PP said, there are a quite a few things that get shoved under the category of etiquette when in fact they’re traditions.

Post # 10
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

1. It is not rude to have a vegetarian wedding since you have moral concerns. Would anyone expect Hindus (many sects are vegetarian) to have meat at their wedding? The key is to make sure that the food is filling and tasty to everyone. It can be done. People eat vegetarian-by-default all the time without thinking about it. Avoid faux meats and strange things only vegetarians and foodies eat.

2. It is perfectly legitimate to only include children who are immediate family or are in the wedding party. That’s actually normal.

3. On plus ones: technically, according to etiquette, you are only obligated to invite members of established social units (spouses, the engaged, live-in-partners, or other clearly long-term relationship ppl). You are not required to invite the casually dating and you are not supposed to invite random plus ones. In fact, it’s contrary to etiquette to extend an invitation “and guest.” Each adult guest living at his/her own address gets his/her own ivnitation addresses by name.

4. The only thing you can do wrong with a registry is to advertise it. You don’t have to have one. Some people still consider them rude in fact because you are dictating to people what to buy you. Most people prefer to know the gifts are wanted. You also need to register if you have any showers… or you just decline the shower.

So, I’m guessing that your etiquette-conscious people actually don’t know their etiquette as well as they think they do and their idea of standard etiquette is what they would/did/will do.

Post # 11
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@bellapiece:  lol you’re completely in the right on pretty much all those things! No, you do not need to invite any children (except your brother obviously, who you already are including).  No, you do NOT need to invite plus-ones (you should include engaged couples, co-habitating ones, and married ones, but anything else is, as far as ‘proper’ etiquette is concerned, a nice gesture but not required). If for moral reasons you do not believe in meat, I see no reason why you should have to serve it, it’s one meal and even if people are disappointed there’s no meat they should not be offended and just get over it…I doubt there’s an etiquette rule on this even.  You do not need a registry…some people actually find a registry insulting because it can be viewed as telling people what to get you, but obviously no one is bound to it. If your guests are against giving cash, they can choose a present on their own.

Post # 14
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t let yourself get bullied in to having meat at your wedding if you feel strongly about it!! No one would be bent out of shape if a Kosher couple served only Kosher food – this is the same thing!

There are plenty of filling and delicious foods you can provide that don’t include meat.  The key is to provide a nice variety.   We are serving chicken kabobs and turkey burgers at ours, but the majority of the menu is veg – just to give you a few ideas, from our menu:

– fruit and cheese platter

– vegetable and dips platter

– Mediterranean station with olives, hummus, pita, veggie grape leaves, tabbouleh, and spanikopita

– Avocado and sweet potato tempura sushi rolls

– mashed potato bar with optional sides of broccoli, scallions, cheese, sour cream, and turkey bacon

– mini quiches

– gorgonzola stuffed dates (some wrapped in turkey bacon, some without)

Post # 15
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

For the reception, think about meatless pasta options. It’s familiar, generally a crowd pleaser, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to do a pasta bar or pasta selections without meat.

Re. the registry: does your family know that you are about to move to Belgrade? Because it’s kind of crazy to expect you to register for china and whatnot under those circumstances! And seriously, there’s nothing wrong with doing a small registry for things you can genuinely use. You will hear a lot of “rules” about “registering for 2x the number of guests,” etc., but that’s the stores’ marketing at work: they want you to register for lots of things so they can sell lots of things!

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