Post # 31
Ok guys, I think we’re missing the point here.
I’m not saying be an asshole and forget everything you learned about being a polite, hospitable human being. That’s being a bit melodramatic.
In a nutshell: if you’re a guest judging the couple over silly things (etiquette/tradition) that don’t matter in the long run, maybe you shouldn’t go to the wedding.
- The bride didn’t wear a white dress? *gasp*
- The engagment ring isn’t a diamond? The horror!
- The envelope wasn’t hand-written by an experienced calligrapher? How rude!
- I have to PAY for a drink? I’m not going.
- The centerpieces were fluffy pink rabbits? How tacky.
- “Mrs.” is before “Mr.” on the invitation? The heathens!
- A buffet? Might as well eat at McDonalds!
Hopefully I painted the purpose of this post a little better. Of course you should treat your guests with care and respond to expectations. They’re people you (hopefully) love. I just feel bad for all those couples who go through crap because of people and their antiquated ways.
Post # 32
SenoraGH: None of these things refer to etiquette, except maybe the Mr. coming before Mrs. on an invitation. That particular rule doesn’t really matter to me, but it does offend me when people address things to Mr. and Mrs. Louisianablue when I haven’t taken my husband’s name.
Post # 33
SenoraGH: None of these things you’ve listed have anything to do with etiquette. If anything this has further confused me as to what your point is.
Is not having a bouquet toss (tradition) a big deal? No.
Is not inviting the Fiance of one of your guests a big deal (etiquette)? Yes.
A lot of times when people ‘go through crap’, their weddings are being paid for by someone else and are therefore not in a place to complain or are making decisions about their day that sacrifice the comfort and enjoyment of their guests. Again, etiquette is important.. Traditions not so much.
Post # 34
SenoraGH: A lot of those things are traditions. None of them are etiquette, except for making your guests pay for anything at a party you’re hosting. Etiquette is about making your guests comfortable, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with dress colors or centerpieces.
Post # 35
You know, if brides didn’t have such bad taste sometimes, I’d really have nothing to talk about at a wedding- it’s half the fun of going!!
Post # 36
I get what a lot of folks are saying about etiquette being about making your guests comfortable, but I think that assuming that whatever etiquette dictates is actually what I’d prefer is a bit rude in itself. For example, let’s talk registries. Etiquette says I should not advertise it anywhere, not on my website and ::gasp:: certainly not in the invitation. As a guest, I have a few options:
- Scour the websites of all the big retailers I can think of to see if a registry exists
- Call/email to see if a registry exists and hope that my bothering them about yet another little detail doesn’t add stress to what can already be a chaotic process, especially close to the wedding date which is most likely when I would be asking such a question
- Try to guess about what they would like AND don’t already have, probably unsuccessfully
I find none of those things preferable or more convenient than just being given some good gift ideas for them up front. Unless I have already happened across something by accident that someone would love, there is not a single gift-giving occasion when I do not ask for a list of stuff the person wants because I want to get them a gift they’ll actually get some enjoyment out of. It’s not like a registry is telling you that these are the only gifts that will be accepted. It’s just a list of some handy suggestions.
I think etiquette should be considered more like this: if whatever rule has been violated only bothers you because it’s against etiquette, then you should probably hush up and get over it. If it bothers you because it causes you actual discomfort, then decline the invitation. Nobody gets mad when a little kid has a Christmas list, even if they’re old enough to know that such a thing isn’t appropriate because it really just doesn’t matter. I feel like that principle applies to a lot of etiquette stuff.
Inviting people to an event does require you to be a gracious and kind host to the best of your abilities. But accepting an invitation also requires you to be a gracious and grateful guest.
Post # 37
OP doesnt know the meaning of Etiquette.
Post # 39
OP, Just because you don’t like etiquette doesn’t mean you should bash others.
I, for one, follow etiquette because I like my guests to feel welcome and appreciated, which is what the point of etiquette truly is.
Post # 40
If I didn’t care about etiquette, I would probably join one of the many wedding websites that do not focus on or celebrate etiquette AT ALL.
ETA: I’m not saying if someone else doesn’t like etiquette that they should leave, just that I’m grateful for the Bees here who do care and have a lot of good information to share. 🙂
Post # 41
Few people know the differences between etiquette, manners, and traditions. The three have been used interchangeably throughout this thread and they are all different.
Personally I love etiquette. I think thorough knowledge of etiquette AND having good manners sets a person apart from the masses. With that being said though, I’m a pretty laid back and non-judgemental person. I’m not going to have a hissy fit if another person breaks etiquette rules, but of course I notice. Some violations are bigger than others, ESPECIALLY those that make your guests uncomfortable. As a host, I feel THAT should be your number one priority.
Post # 42
SenoraGH: I have seen threads on various wedding boards that point fingers and gasp at all the things you mention. And, if you have relatives in real life who express similar horror, you have my sympathy. In these modern days when formal etiquette is often entirely restricted to the domain of weddings, and many ladies are therefore learning all their etiquette from the sound-bite-sized simplifications of newstand wedding magazines and internet messageboards, lots of people do end up with a false idea of what etiquette is.
Etiquette is never about pointing fingers at other people. Etiquette is all about the ultimate double standard — holding yourself to the highest possible standard of behaviour, while finding every excuse you can make for the behaviour of others.
I have a nephew-in-law who is fond of saying, when berated by feminists for taking off his cap when speaking to them, or for holding open the door for them “I do not do this because you are a lady; I do it because I am a gentleman.” In the same way, I do not hand-address my afternoon-tea invitations because I live in fear of the condemnation of my guests, but because I take pleasure in the little refinements of life. So, when brides ask “what is the correct way to do x, y or z”, I typically answer in detail with what is correct. But they always choose for themselves what level of refinement they want to be bothered with, and that is exactly as it should be.
Post # 43
SenoraGH: Haha welcome to the Bee! There is always someone who will put down your ideas, love your ideas, think your dress/decor/shoes/venue/food/fiance/face is terrible. You can’t please everyone. There’s is a lot of oneupmanship on this site so having a cashbar might be absolutely fine for your guests but someone else would never DREAM of such a thing! I learned not to ask opinions on here anymore.. I just get ideas and keep my mouth shut because I’m not particularly worried if strangers half a world away like what I am doing for my day. Otherwise people get too caught up in the validation of their wedding day choices. To each their own. Everyone is different and as I said before, you can’t please everyone!
Post # 44
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
SenoraGH: What you mentioned are things that I would call “extra touches” – nice but not necessary (these have nothing to do with ettiquette)
Ettiquette is making sure your guests are comfortable (ie. making sure that your guests are able to eat at least something because of allergies, looking at accessability issues for less physically able guests, being cognisant that if you are not inviting everyone that it is better to avoid talking about the wedding as there could be hurt feelings).
I also have to add that someone will always have an opinion on your wedding. Cash bars I have found are a regional thing so what is fine in one area with certain friends, would be tacky in another area (I also have to add that I found out more recently that areas where open bars are more common seem to have more venues that offer flat fee open bars, and regions where it is cash bar typically have consumption based bars = more expensive).
Post # 45
aspasia475: I love your answer! I agree 100%