(Closed) Etiquette Schmetiquette

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: SO tell me how you really feel about Etiquette

    I love it! and base my decisions accordingly

    There are some 'rules' important to me

    I do not follow any particular etiquette rules just went with what felt right to "us"

    My wedding is 100% Etiquette free

  • Post # 17
    4996 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I’m not a fan of going with something just because it’s etiquette, but I do think etiquette keeps people from being rude sometimes. 

    Like extending a plus one to your guests – I didn’t extend a plus one to my friend because it was proper or good etiquette, I did it because it’s straight up rude to ask someone to spend their time and money to travel to your wedding alone. 

    Post # 18
    2152 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @NearlyMrsRad:  Well there in lies the problem.  None of those things are actual matters of etiquette.

    The post you see about Brides having to give certain Guests +1’s when they may not even know the +1 is the first thing that springs to mind. Unless they are a social unit, no plus ones need be invited.  If that person is married, engaged or living together then they must be invited together.  So in this case as much as you may poo poo etiquette it is actually on your side.

    -Organising seating charts in a perfect M/F ratio is another Seating charts are not required by etiquette, so any type of ratio is a moot point.  But a polite host does sit guests together whom she feels would get along, and enjoy each other’s company.

    -The f printing Formal RSVPs ( although old etiquette states that a guest should RSVP by hand written note I believe this practice is to make that part easier) Etiquette does not demand written RSVP’s.  Phone, email or website RSVPs are ok, so long as they match the formality of your event.  Though you are correct that traditionally RSVP cards were not used, and each guests would write a reply on their own stationary.

     – another one I came across recently was that a sister should be first choice for Maid/Matron of Honor over a friend? Etiquette does not concern itself with who is in the bridal party.  Having a bridal party is not a matter of acting politely. 

    Post # 19
    7439 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Another fan of Etiquette…

    I even in jest call myself an Etiquette Snob on WBee

    (Primarily because I have used Etiquette Rules extensively in my Professional Life)

    As other Bees have mentioned, I am solely a fan BECAUSE it happens to be the TRIED & TRUE

    (Yes this stuff has been around for over 100 years, but that is BECAUSE it works !!)

    If you read up, and follow the basics, it actually makes things easier, cause it ELIMINATES problems BEFORE they ever happen

    And everyone knows how to act (supposedly if they mind their manners) in any given situation

    99% of the issues we see here on WBee where things are in an uproar and Brides are desperate, is because they have done something outside of the norm, and now find themselves in a situation that isn’t going as they envisioned it to go

    The greatest number of those posts seem to show up on the Bridesmaids Boards…

    Too many Couples seem to pick out their Bridal Parties without knowing the Responsibilities or Expenses on both sides (and they can be substantial)

    If you don’t set out the parameters upfront, then there are misunderstandings & disagreements… and problems

    Some of them ending in horrific fights or terminating friendships…

    Much if not ALL that could be avoided if someone bothered to pick up an Etiquette Book and read thru the list of elements and decide ahead of time which ones each side will agree to / commit to / pay for, etc.

    Just my 2 cents

    PS… Another thing that is misunderstood about Etiqutte (especially here on WBee)… Is that it is not a MUST DO kind of thing… it is a list of SUGGESTED SHOULDS… choosing not to follow them is a risk… a risk you must decide upon for yourself, and if you feel your Guests / Friends / Family will be offended if you waiver from THE RECOMMENDED Rules of Etiquette.  Only you can evaluate the risk.  But the key element that I have subscribe to is EVERY BRIDE should do her research and then decide.. vs walking into a sitaution such as Planning a Wedding blindly… and then trying to cope / pick up the pieces when things have fallen apart (a lot more stressful)


    Post # 20
    933 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    @andielovesj:  I was actually talking about who the invitations were addressed to not whose names were on the invitations. 

    As PP said the rules you stated about RSVPs are just common sense not etiquette 

    I completely disagree that people only like rules that benefit them. Not too long ago there was a thread on here about a guideline that if you cant cover the plate with equal monetary value in gifts then you shouldnt go to the wedding. Most people said this was stupid. 

    Etiquette isnt rocket science, many people choose to not learn all the rules – i think that says a lot 

    Post # 21
    5317 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Etiquette is very important to me, when it comes from a place of consideration for others.

    Sometimes etiquette is outdated and becomes some random “rule” that really doesn’t make your guests feel any more considered, and some few times, the etiquette rule can even be rude to guests! In those cases, I say toss the rule out.

    I’d estimate that at least 80% of etiquette is about consideration for others, so overall, I see it as very valuable. I always aspire to be the best (most gracious) host I can be.

    Post # 22
    933 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    @This Time Round:  a very sensible post

    Post # 23
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee

    @This Time Round:  I want to know what your job is! lol You keep mentioning it, so curious minds want to know.

    Post # 25
    4097 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @NearlyMrsRad:  here’s the thing: while you may not personally find traditional etiquette that important, some people still do. And once you invite other people to your wedding it’s no longer all about you. It’s about being a good hostess. You don’t want your guests to walk away saying “NearlyMrsRad really has no couth”. Personally, I don’t get offended by much, and I assume neither do most other people my age. But there are always those that WILL notice the little things and find them offensive. Just read through these boards.

    Post # 27
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Etiquette is all about the comofort and convenience of your guests. Your wedding in the end is about thanking your guests for being there. Why would you deliberately want to inconveninece them?

    Since you brought up +1’s specifically, anyone in a relationship (however they define relationship) should be invited with their partner, by name. If you make somewhat arbitrary rules like married/engaged/1+ year etc. you end up judging the seriousness of your guests’ relationships. I’ve been in the shoes where I JUST moved in with a former boyfriend and wasn’t invited to a wedding he was a groomsman in.  It wasn’t nice. If they have a partner, you invite the partner, end of story.

    In addition, a wedding, again, is to thank your guests, and all of them equally. That is why you should not have a cash bar — it ends up creating tiers of guests, some of whom have money to drink and some who don’t. It is also why you should not have “B-lists” or tiered reception where some can only get to come for dancing.

    In the end, I am a strong believer in etiqutte just because in the end your wedding must be about your guests. Otherwise, you should elope and make it all about you and Fiance.

    Post # 29
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee

    I also believe there are many grey areas, and people should think things through and plan accordingly.

    I’ve been invited to weddings when I was younger and single and have always been given the option of a date. I did the same for my guests, and actually did the same for my daughters’ guests. Its no fun to be the odd man out at a wedding or any event, in a mostly coupled world.

    I’ve been invited to coworker’s events as a married woman, and we all agreed beforehand we’d be going alone, no need for spouses to be invited as they had no personal relationship with the hosts. We actually told them not to even bother sending us invitations to save on postage. Were we wrong? Not in our minds, tho some others may think otherwise.

    The rules of etiquette are a set of guidelines designed to make social events run more smoothly, but will often become blurred with what are just traditions that people may or may not choose to follow.

    Post # 30
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I really like etiquette.  While my wedding is my first real exploration of formal etiquette I’ve been dutifully following etiquette like proper table manners, letting people of an older generation set how they would like to be addressed, sending thank you notes when appropriate and reciperocating dinner invitations for years.  My understanding of etiquette is that these are a set of tried and true guidelines that when applied can help everyone enjoy themselves more.  

    Sure, my and my fiance’s style will come through in our wedding through our decor, or choice of venue, menu, and entertainment; but if we were only doing what we wanted, we would be eloping or having a ceremony but no reception.  I’m treating the reception as our way of saying thank you to all of our guests for attending our ceremony and as such, I’d really like to do things that will make them as comfortable as I can.  I feel like existing etiquette guidelines help me accomplish that so I don’t need to “reinvent the wheel”.

    Post # 31
    9168 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Etiquette is important in life not just when it comes to weddings because there are social rules to follow in being polite And in hosting a party. I guess these days etiquette comes down to how you were raised Since the concepts seem pretty foreign to people on here and people get all upset about having to follow it.

    The topic ‘Etiquette Schmetiquette’ is closed to new replies.

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