(Closed) Etiquette Schmetiquette

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: SO tell me how you really feel about Etiquette

    I love it! and base my decisions accordingly

    There are some 'rules' important to me

    I do not follow any particular etiquette rules just went with what felt right to "us"

    My wedding is 100% Etiquette free

  • Post # 32
    Member
    7384 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It depends on the etiquette “rule” we’re talking about, I guess. Etiquette is VERY regional–I always laugh when I see someone get indignant about how omgRUDE/tacky/cheap/etc. it is to have a cash bar, wishing well, dollar dance, bridal shower, etc. Those things are so dependent on area, culture, background. I was NEVER taught etiquette growing up, so how the hell was I supposed to know any of these things except what I saw at other weddings?

    My aunt had a dollar dance at her wedding. FI’s cousin did one at his. I think probably half of the weddings I’ve been to have had one and half have not. It doesn’t bother me either way–I enjoy them and will participate if there is one. We’ve attended weddings that were dry, some that were cash, some that were open, and some that were beer/wine. None of those bother me. People here cry “Host what you can afford!” and people do–cash bars, dry, beer and wine, completely open. THAT IS WHAT THEY COULD AFFORD AND THEREFORE WHAT THEY CHOSE. Okay, it’s just not done in your area–but that’s your area. The US and the WORLD are so much bigger than your area, and different parts have different cultures–hell, even different social circles have different cultures. I had an argument once where someone kept saying that you wouldn’t invite people over for dinner and expect them to pay for drinks, except that ALL of our gatherings, be it friends or my family or FI’s, are always BYOB, and usually potluck style, too! So yes, technically, we do expect to bring and for others to bring food AND drinks for dinner parties (obviously they aren’t handing the host cash, but you’re handing a bartender/venue money at a cash bar, which I equate to paying for a bottle of wine at the grocery store).

    And I always have to laugh at the post that always pops up about it’s rude to send an RSVP card because you’re telling your guests that you don’t think that they will RSVP on their personalized, super speshul, embossed, vellum stationery with their amazing Mont Blanc pen. No, I really don’t, because, gasp, I don’t know anyone who has personalized stationery. I have never not received an RSVP card and would be SO confused if I didn’t–in fact, my response would be to get in touch with the person and ask if they forgot my RSVP card (by the way, I’ve gotten compliments from so many people on ours).

    Here’s the thing: times change. I am all about manners and being polite and whatnot, but there are some “etiquette rules” (is that redundant?) that just scream “outdated!” to me. Sure, it’s been around for 100 years, but 100 years ago, women couldn’t vote in the US, and showing an ankle or cutting your hair was considered scandalous, so I tend to take that with a grain of salt (and I adore you, TTR).

    (And also, as has been said, lots of people get tradition mixed up with etiquette. Having your father/close male relative walk you down the aisle has nothing to do with etiquette.)

    Post # 33
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I’ve seen the +1 thing on here quite a bit.  I wanted to weigh in as a person who felt decidedly uncomfortable based on a relative’s treatment of this. I got engaged about 2weeks after said relative and was a little surprised that their engagement party invite was only addressed to then when the save-the-date was only addressed to me I realized it was intentional.  It’s not like I won’t know people, but sitting next to your parents, alone, when you’re in your late 20s just doesn’t seem like much fun.  Furthermore, I consider my Fi to be “family” at this point and this relative made it clear that they don’t.  So now I’m put in the awkward position of having to choose which family is more important (it’ll be Fiance, hands down) and worry that this relative and their spouse will be offended and not continue a social relationship with me in the future (like attending my wedding a few months later.

    In this case, I feel that if they treated social units as social units and either invited us both or not invited us at all it would have made this a whole lot less uncomfortable.

    Post # 34
    Member
    5317 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @classyashley: that brings up an example of where I think the existing etiquette rule is outdated and rude to guests. Back in the day it used to be seen as generally ok to discriminate against people regarding whether they were in a “legitimate” relationship or not. Now that is seen as very rude. To me, the more considerate thing to do is make sure all named guests have the option to bring their preferred accompaniment, not try to decide for them whether they “legitimately deserve it” or not. It’s a celebration of a romantic union… why would we expect that even a guest who is single would really enjoy attending an event all about the union of two people, alone?

    Post # 35
    Member
    5317 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @vorpalette:  “hosting what you can afford” refers to only having an event as large and as opulent as one can afford to without compromising on consideration for guests in any way. Sometimes that will mean eloping, and there’s nothing wrong with eloping, in my opinion.

    As for how people are supposed to learn etiquette, it was supposed to be taught by older relatives (parents especially), but there were also books and advice columns to help people whose parents perhaps didn’t know. Nowadays, there’s the internet, so it’s all right at your fingertips! The key is to always ask yourself, “does this rule make sense in terms of whether it is the most considerate thing I can do for my guests?”

    Post # 36
    Member
    3189 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @joya_aspera:  +1, this is exactly how I feel about it. And honestly, people who ignore etiquette rules about being polite and courteous towards your guests annoy me to no end. It fails to be just ‘YOUR day’, as the OP called it, once you start inviting guests – then you need to be considerate of their needs too.

    Post # 37
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @NearlyMrsRad:  Awesome question!! For me I think some etiquette is just silly and also my fiance and I want a wedding that is very “us”. We are both classy and educated people, yet we don’t feel the need to mold ourselves into the same shape as everyone else. I’m all about manners, but some things just don’t work for our wedding.

    For example: we did not invite any extended family. Future Mother-In-Law was upset about this at first, however as we compromised on having a small wedding (I wanted to elope and my fiance wanted a big wedding), which we are paying for ourselves we decided who to invite. If we had invited all the extended family we wouldn’t have been able to invite our friends, the ones who’ve been through our relationship with us and seen our relationship grow. Why invite a relative you haven’t seen in 20 years over someone who was there throughout your relationship and is a mutual friend of the couple? That doesn’t make sense to me. 

    I also sent out our invitations in January for our August wedding as 90% of our guests are from out-of-state and most of them are in fact all the way across the country or mid-way across the country from us. I didn’t see the point in STDs, just seemed like one more thing to buy. As we already had our venue booked and all the information a wedding invitation would require and a wedding website, we just sent them out! I got some grief on here for it, but really no one cared. I didn’t even know this was “out etiquette”, but even if I did know, I still would have done it. My Future Mother-In-Law is a stickler for manners and etiquette and even she didn’t mention it, and she would have if she thought it was rude.

    We also did not book a block of hotel rooms, I do not even know if that is expected of us, but as not a single person has asked if it is, it obviously wasn’t an issue lol.

    No rehersal dinner is in place either, I didn’t put it in our budget simply because we aren’t having a wedding party… so what’s the point? I’m pretty sure our families will all want to get together the night before and if they do and someone feels like contributing and paying for it I’m totally open to that! (A total of $115 from my mom has been contributed to our wedding from our parents, they are both widows. We weren’t expecting help, but my point of view is if it wasn’t in our budget and they are the ones who want it, they are more than welcome to pay for it.)

    We are also just untraditional in general. The baby came before marriage, I chose a moonstone engagement ring, we aren’t having attendants, we aren’t having a religious ceremony, we are having a dry reception, etc. etc. We are who we are and our wedding should reflect us. I just want our wedding to be an intimate event with the people we love who help us celebrate our union. I want it to be fun and light hearted, not some serious event. I am the most chilled out bride because I know things will not be perfect, issues will come up and you just have to be flexible :]

    Post # 38
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Oh, forgot to mention plus ones; we only gave them to immediate family and those who live with their SO.

    Post # 39
    Hostess
    2683 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I’m pretty down with ettiquette most of the time. I send thank you’s regularly, reciprocate invitations to friends, etc. But it’s also not the end all be all either. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @vorpalette:  Totally loved your post!!!! I feel the EXACT same way! I think some times people get this idea in their heads that as they are the guest they should be treated a specific way. If the bride and groom are polite to you, thank you for any gifts you give, feed you an overpriced meal at their own expense on “their day”, what more do you really want? Ok so you had to buy your own drink, is that really a huge deal?!

    I have no issue with cash bars, personally I haven’t been to many weddings, and I don’t think I’ve been to one with a cash bar, but I would never speak negatively about the couple because of their choice. The only reason I may be disappointed is because I don’t normally carry cash on me (I’m a plastic girl) so in that case I’d hope another friend was there who wouldn’t mind covering my drinks for the evening and then I’d just go straight to an ATM to pay them back afterwards. Personally, I am always honored to be invited to a wedding of ANY kind. 

    I totally agree that it depends on your own circle of friends. Our guests are pretty acclective, but they are all reasonable and kind people. The only person coming to our wedding who I could imagine may judge us for anything related to etiquette would be Future Mother-In-Law and when she has a disagreement she voices it. (Luckily she acknowledges that this is our day and so long as we are ok with our decision she will be quite.)

    Post # 42
    Member
    2426 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think etiquette is about being thoughtful and considerate of your guests. Some people are confusing traditions and etiquette. They are two very different things

     

    Post # 44
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    This is a great thread! I have actually written a paper on wedding etiquette, it’s origins and why so many people still follow it today.  

    Wedding etiquette originated in the early 1900’s through the upper class Americans. It was a way of distinguishing their class. So by putting together actual publications on how to plan and present yourself during a wedding, they were seperating themselves from other classes of society. If you wanted to climb the social ladder. You had to follow these rules, or etiquette books. These rule books were further perpetuated by the merchants. Just think, the ‘rules’ about what to wear, gifts, attendants etc. It was a gold mine for the wedding industry, and they reinforce these ‘rules’ to keep their industry going.

    That’s why, while I appreciate some of the traditions that have sentimental value, etiquette that is just made up by a bunch of upper class 1900s folks has no meaning to me. 

    Instead, I do what makes sense for us. My Future Mother-In-Law, who very much follows proper etiquette was horrified that I didn’t handwrite my invitation envelopes. I guess I am too practical, I just printed labels. But seriously, how is that still etiquette??? These practices were developed in the 1900’s when they didn’t have computers and easy peel labels! They also think that my Maid/Matron of Honor, who is my sister is giving the toast because that’s what the rules say. I love my sis, which is why she is Maid/Matron of Honor, but I also love my bestfriend, who as a bridesmaid is giving my toast. 

    Just my opinion…I say etiquette schmetiquette! Just be polite, have good manners and do what makes sense for you! You still have good manners even if you don’t handwrite your invitation envelopes!

     

     

    Post # 45
    Member
    604 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @vorpalette:  I agree with everything you said.

     

     

    Post # 46
    Member
    628 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @MRSsrm85:  Agreed!  Etiquette is the consideration of others, puting yourself in their place, thinking of them, and then acting accordingly. Even Post stated they were not rules, but rather guidelines.  Use them when you are unsure, break them when you know following it would hurt/insult/offend your guest.

    People fall back on the guidelines when they are in unfamiliar territory, like weddings (since most of us only host once 🙂

    Uber etiquette nazis do themselves no favors.  They wield the “rules” like a smashing ball to actually avoid thinking about their guests –which is the opposite of what etiquette is.

    However, to state “I don’t care about etiquette” is the same as stating, “I don’t give a [email protected] about my guests.”  You can’t throw enough money at a wedding to make up for that.  If you want the best wedding, think about it from your guests’ perspective and be a good host.  You don’t want to ruin “your day” by being surrounded by a bunch of cranky, disenfranchised, contemptuous guests.

    Just my 2-cents. No offense meant for anyone/anything specific.

    The topic ‘Etiquette Schmetiquette’ is closed to new replies.

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