(Closed) Etiquette Schmetiquette

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: SO tell me how you really feel about Etiquette
    I love it! and base my decisions accordingly : (41 votes)
    18 %
    There are some 'rules' important to me : (117 votes)
    51 %
    I do not follow any particular etiquette rules just went with what felt right to "us" : (66 votes)
    29 %
    My wedding is 100% Etiquette free : (4 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 47
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee

    @NearlyMrsRad:  I believe it’s a bunch of bs and hollaballoo. If u hav ur heart in the right place and u show respect and class in wat u do who cares?

    Post # 48
    Member
    1671 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @joya_aspera:  +1000

    Yes! I see the whole entire point of etiquette to be consideration for your guests comfort. That is how I see it too. I am surprised that I had to read this far down to find the sentiment that I was looking for. This should have been at the top.

    Post # 49
    Member
    706 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    We did our own thing for pretty much our entire wedding.  One “rule” that I absolutely hate is being addressed as Mrs. Hisfirst+Hislast.  Because of that, we sent out most of our envelopes to First Names or The _______ Family.  Did I offend anyone?  I have no idea.  No one said anything to me.

    We’ve been getting wedding invitations addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname, and it bugs me, BUT I also know that people do try to follow those rules, so I don’t say anything.  I get it.  BUT when I get Christmas cards or Anniversry cards addressed that way, I def say something.

     

    Post # 50
    Member
    629 posts
    Busy bee

    Some of it, I do agree with, but some of it I find incredibly antiquated. One that comes to mind is you MUST invite your officiant and it heir spouse to the reception. This was created during a time when, most likely, you lived in your hometown most of your life, and the officiant was the priest (or minister or rabbi etc) of the religious sanctuary you have gone to since infancy. Of course you should invite someone who has that bond! But nowadays many brides find an officiant by typing in “(insert religion here) officiant in (insert location of wedding)”. Yes, I plan on inviting my rabbi, but he sponsored me through my conversion and actually knows my SO and I very well. This past Purim, we bonded over a mutual liking of Big Bang Theory, when SO and I showed up dressed at Sheldon and Amy. However, my best friend used the officiant his resort uses when he and his wife had their Destination Wedding. They had no relationship to him, they met him on the morning of their wedding, had no connection to him, and were having an intimate family only wedding of about 10-15 people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not inviting an officiant in that case.

    Sorry for the rant, that’s a major one that’s been on my mind since my pre-Jewish/Agnostic days.

    Post # 51
    Member
    4029 posts
    Honey bee

    @NearlyMrsRad:  As other bees have posted, majority of the time etiquette is about being considerate of others. I generally follow the suggestions of etiquette when I feel it applies.

    Interesting you are inviting only one person of a married couple. It’s totally your call and your right, but on the flip side, you shouldn’t get upset if people opt not to attend because they do not want to go alone. Also, it shouldn’t be surprising or frustrating if those individuals just bring or ask if they can bring a guest given that they are married.

    I think it’s fine for people to do whatever they want, but if someone intentionally goes against common practice, they shouldn’t be suprised, upset, frustrated or angry when other people call them out on it. It’s just something to be expected. You are more than welcome to stand by your decision, but anytime you go against the norm, there will be resistance.

    As far as my own wedding, we have followed some etiquette rules and not others. We actually extended a plus one to every guest, regardless of relationship status (total is 120 guests invited), especially to those who were travelling long distances. We would rather they feel comfortable and had a companion than be apprehensive about attending. That was our personal choice. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    4690 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    I think the world needs more etiquette.

    Post # 53
    Member
    3885 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Firstly, etiquette is not this massive catchall category that covers every aspect of hosting a wedding. Having a bridal party or nmuch for example, isn’t covered by the concept of etiquette. Etiquette is basically rules that govern social behaviors and interactions, and has been around for a long time. There are writings going back to several hundred years BC on the subject even if the phrase wasn’t commonplace till more modern times. And there are different rules for different circumstances: wedding etiquette as a host or as a guest, business etiquette, and so forth.

    Why is it important? Because in any society, there needs to be some basic guidelines on how we interact with one another. This helps level the playing field (especially with business etiquette), removes distraction so that people can focus on the task or event at hand, and helps people in new situations figure out how to best fit into whatever role they have for whatever event. If you’ve never hosted a business meeting before, you might not realize how important your attire is; by finding out the proper business etiquette, you can dress accordingly, and people will pay all of their attention to the meeting and not to your out-of-place outfit. Never hosted a wedding before? If you follow etiquette and provide your guests with a welcoming meal, they will be better able to enjoy your celebration. If you’re traveling to a foreign land, you might really mess up your big presentation or offend the vacation tour leader if you didn’t have the local etiquette rules to guide you.

    That said, society is evolving very rapidly and some etiquette rules are definitely outdated. So use them as a guide, but use your own common sense too. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    360 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I like etiquette for many reasons, but there are two big ones: 

    1. the “rules” are guidelines to make sure everyone is shown the proper respect, because in a perfect world if you give respect, you should receive it in return. (we all know this is a pipe dream, but at least you’re being the bigger person)

    2. universal guidelines for any emotional situation helps people to remember what they should be and should not be doing so that they don’t get so wrapped up in the moment that all sense of reality goes out the window and you end up making people hurt or angry even if you didn’t mean to 

    Now for wedding traditions….I think those should reflect the couple. For me, cake smashing, bouquet tossing, and garters are ridiculous and I won’t be doing any of that!

    Post # 55
    Member
    2055 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I was raised to use proper etiquette and to adhere to certain cultural and social customs/traditions. And just because I [mostly] follow certain etiquette guidelines does not mean my personality and preferences fall by the wayside. 

    I am taking the same approach for my wedding that I do in my everyday life. 

    @MRSsrm85:  +1

    Post # 56
    Member
    3823 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I was never big on etiquette before planning my wedding. I just went with how I always did things with family and friends (e.g. inviting friends to stuff through text or email, calling one aunt to invite the whole family to an event). But I kind of see the wedding as a rite of passage to learn how to do things the “right way”. So I tried to follow as many etiquette rules as I could. However, I don’t hold other people to the exact same standard when they are planning their events. 

    So that’s why I respond to some of these “OMG Can you believe THEY didn’t know we were ENGAGED?! And I wasn’t INVITED!?! The audacity of some people” threads with “omg get over yourself and frickin accept or decline. It’s not that serious.” 

    I am inviting 70-80 people to my wedding. If I had to fish through 230 people to find out who lived where and who was engaged/separated/married to whom, I would probably send my invites late. It’s a lot of work. Cut some of these people some slack. So I voted for “some of this is important to me” but I don’t hold others to the highest standard possible.

    Post # 57
    Member
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @NearlyMrsRad:  One of the BIGGEST problems with this whole ettiquette thing is that there is an assumption that every culture follows the ettiquette rules of the dominant culture (here I am speaking to America, not bees from other countries, because I realize that I have a limited knowledge of countries outside of America).

    I’m in quite a predicament because I am not in the dominant culture, I am Jewish, and we have our own traditions that are totally different than “American wedding ettiquette.” I get all this talking-down-to from bees on here who assume that I am from a white Christian background and tell me what’s what until I clarify. I am kind of sick of it being called “wedding ettiquette” and I think it should be called “white Christian heritage ettiquette,” not “American wedding ettiquette” because I am just as American even if I am not of the dominant culture! 

    This “wedding ettiquette” is putting a lot of undue stress on me and my family, as I am sure happens in many other non-white and/or non-Christian American families. My mother converted to Judaism, but because her family is from the dominant culture, she puts a lot of pressure on me to follow the rules of that culture. Well, it’s not my culture! None of my Jewish cousins had to do that stuff! 

    I think it’s time that we stop assuming everyone should just accomodate the dominant culture. I appreciate and respect the traditions of the dominant culture, and I would appreciate it if those coming from the dominant culture would learn to be appreciative and respectful of the “ettiquette” customs of other cultures existing within America. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @nawella:  Umm, what? I am Jewish. I am having a Jewish wedding. The “etiquette” rules still apply. Tradition is different, yes — we have a chuppah and both parents walk both groom and bride down the aisle. Bride and groom always see each other pre-ceremony to sign Ketubah (well, nearly always, some now incorporate that into the ceremony). That doesn’t change how you should invite +1s and how you host your guests. Sorry. I completely disagree with your post here.

     

    Post # 59
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee

    @nawella:  I agree Greek Jewish Bangladeshi, we all dnt follow as u call it “white Christian etiquette”. Does that make u rude or tacky or lower class NOT AT ALL. U follow wat u learn from ur family. Honestly the wedding bee is the first place I hav heard all of these etiquette faux pas but I ignore half of them bcz I kno my guests and wat they expect. I treat everyone with respect and luv and if I make a mistake printing labels instead of writing them I know I will nt b judged. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @classyashley:  Yes, some of the rules are similar but not all of them, for example, I have had people tell me it was tacky to invite people to make charitable donations rather than giving wedding gifts, for example. Tzedakah? Different cultures! 

    Post # 61
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I decided to go with what felt comfortable to me. As it happened, the “proper protocol” happened to feel the most comfortable, so I sided with etiquette more often than not. To me, it just made sense. I didn’t follow every rule (e.g. I didn’t do Mr and Mrs HisFirst HisLast), but most of them seemed appropriate for making my guests comfortable.

    As far as plus ones go, I do agree with treating at least live-in, engaged, and married couples as a unit. And honestly, if I was invited alone, I would RSVP no and send a card. For one, I wouldn’t want to go alone where other couples are having fun together, dancing together, and so forth. Two, I would feel bad leaving him alone at home for an event like a wedding. Split us if you must, but I’ll decline gracefully and hope it’s received just as gracefully.

    The topic ‘Etiquette Schmetiquette’ is closed to new replies.

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