(Closed) Ettiquite wise, who is supposed to help with teh bridal shower

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

No one has to help with your shower.  A shower is a gift from the person throwing it to the bride.

Post # 4
3625 posts
Sugar bee

It has nothing to do with etiquette but more to do with tradition. I’ve only ever seen the entire Bridal Party take care of the shower including planning and paying. If that isn’t the norm in your circle, or the BM’s have no experience in planning and executing a bridal shower, maybe that’s why she feels it isn’t her responsibility.

I also think that many times the Mothers split the cost if the Bridal Party is small, and the party is big. I know I did it for my daughters as I didn’t think it was fair for just 2 girs to pay for everything themselves. The MOG happily split everything with me.

Post # 5
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think every situation is different. I’ve been in 9 weddings, the majority of those weddings, the MOB paid for the shower. The Bridal Party helped in other ways- decorating, favors, etc. I really think that I’ve contributed financially for maybe only 3 of those showers. For my shower, I know it is my mom and MOH’s throwing/paying for my shower.

Post # 6
1193 posts
Bumble bee

I guess it depends. In my circle of friends the Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man all chipped in and threw the shower with some financial help (or food) from the Mother of the Bride. I’ve never been apart of a wedding where a Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t want to participate in helping throw the shower. Yes, no one HAS to but typicaly, at least for me the bridal party is made up with best friends and siblings who are happy to do something nice for the Bride to be. But with as many bridal party horror stories I read on here that isn’t always the case.  But I do think its rude (and weird) that she would be venting that to you..

Post # 7
2152 posts
Buzzing bee

No one is responsible for it. Whomever chooses to host the shower is responsible for paying for it.

It may be an entire bridal party going in on it together, or just one person. The bridal party isn’t required to throw a shower at all.

Your Maid/Matron of Honor can ask if others would LIKE to chip in and co-host but if they decline she should accept that gracefully.

As the host your Maid/Matron of Honor should choose to host what she can afford, whether that is a catered affair in a banquet hall or a cake and punch reception at someone’s home.

Post # 8
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Etiquette? Dunno. I do think your Bridesmaid or Best Man is being kinda a bitch for refusing and telling you. Also, telling you “its not her responsibility” vs. “she can’t really afford to right now” is a different scenario entirely–what else is beneath her or too much of a hassle for her to help with?

How did you Maid/Matron of Honor respond? If she accepted that she wouldn’t have help from this girl and didn’t make a big deal out of it, and your Bridesmaid or Best Man still keeps making a fuss, I’d ask her whats up. It seems like she might have more to say.

Post # 9
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@fresitachulita:  Well, the girl is quite right, helping throw a shower is not her “responsibility”. It’s a privilege. And it’s a choice, offered to her by the maid of honour, that she can accept or not.

I am guessing that this girl has limited social experience as a hostess and does not know how much fun hospitality can be. Social awkwardness is consistent with her not realizing how gauche her complaints are. It will probably also “fly right past” what the consequences to her of her antisocial attitude are likely to be. While subtle gentle hints are the best choice for most social relationships, it is sometimes kinder to be more direct and overt with the socially dense.

If the girl complains again I would kindly ask whether she wants you to speak to your Maid of Honour on her behalf, and let the Maid of Honour know that this bridesmaid wants to be left out of co-hosting the shower. If she says yes, ask her whether you should say she wants to be invited to the shower as a guest, or left out altogether. I would make sure to use the words “left out” a couple of times, because if that is what she chooses that is how she is likely to feel. It is her choice, but it will be kind to help her see that consequence.

It will probably also be worthwhile to say “I am happy to pass that message along for you, but I don’t have anything to do with planning this shower. I am just a guest. It is rather improper for me to interfere with the hostess’s arrangements. I expect (Maid of Honour’s name) will understand that you felt awkward talking to her directly, but next time you might want to try talking directly to the people involved rather than a third party.”

Or if that is all too flowery, then the next time she says she thinks it is “not her responsibility” say “well, it IS your responsibility to discuss that with (Maid of Honour’s name) yourself: don’t involve me; I am just a guest.”

Post # 10
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Roe:  I agree. It’s one thing to not be able to afford it, it’s another thing to say keep bringing up the fact that she’s not required to do it and then telling you about it! Of course no one’s “required”, but I guess it would kind of hurt my feelings if the rest of my bridal party were to throw me a party & one just refused. It would have been much classier for her to just tell the hostess, “I don’t have the time/money/whatever, but, since I’m so close to the bride, I’d love to contribute by doing/buying/making XYZ” and then offer whatever she was comfortable offering. I know I had to decline hosting a shower with friends right after I had my son, as I was a single mom & not making much money (had just gone back to work). I felt so bad & wanted so much to help make my friend’s shower special, that I offered to make the favors, since that was more in line with my time/budget constraints at the time. I would expect any good friend to *want* to do the same- not that it’s “required” of anyone.

Post # 12
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You should stay out of any drama within your bridal party about a shower or bachelorette.  If they have issues with each other, tell them to talk to each other about it and stop putting you in the middle.

Your Maid/Matron of Honor is right to not burden you with logistics – a bride should not be involved in planning her own shower, except for providing a guest list and themes, colors, or preferred food if asked.

Post # 14
1258 posts
Bumble bee

@Kewii:  This.

It doesn’t even have to be bridesmaids. Anyone can throw you a shower. And whoever does can ask for help from anyone they wish, but no one is obligated to contribute.

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