Post # 1
Today, one of my favorite dating-advice-givers wrote a very powerful article about the waiting process
Just curious what everyone thought. Agree or disagree? I do think it’s possible that in many cases there can be extenuating circumstances that can push it longer (you’re getting out of debt, he’s unemployed, you’re both 17…) etc. But on the other hand, I’ve seen girls wait 4,5, 6 years for the guy to propose, and then they break up and he marries the next girl…six months later!
I guess I’m just getting antsy, because I’ve started planning but I still haven’t gotten my ring!
Post # 3
This winter we will hit the 3 mark, and we just bought a house together. So yes, I am getting antsy!!
For us, its a money issue. Over the years I have scaled back on my “dream” wedding and now I don’t even want an over the top affair. Just a simple and inexpensive day. I even showed him Moissanite rings instead of diamond.
Ugh…getting tired of waiting :/
Post # 4
I agree with him. He stated after three years there is no more mystery, he knows he loves you, he loves hanging around you, and he is attracted to you. He stated everything she needed to hear; obviously he is not budging so either suck it up or cut your losses and move on.
Post # 5
I agree too!
IMO, as time goes on, we tend to do sort of “switch roles” (hope no one gets offended here) Usually a man feels better when he is pursuing and moving things forward. Due to being impatient, or maybe just on different pages, us women like to move things forward, if they arent where we want them to be. We let our wants and needs go in hopes that he will come around in the end…and sometimes they do….sometimes they dont.
Before my current relationship I would constantly fit my desires around the person I was with. This go around (before I met him actually) I told myself “I want a good relationship, I want to be married and have a family and kids…I’m not going to blow that off to look casual and be the “cool girl” by pretending I dont want those things bc its too early. And from the get go thats what I told any prospect when they asked what I was looking for…and almost every single guy I met stepped up to the plate (seriously!) to the point where I realized very early on if the chemistry was off. Then I found my SO and everything clicked inside…he knew I wanted marriage and we dated for a while first…really got to know each others character…and now things are rolling!
I absolutely love the psychology behind relationships and how men and women think differently and interact. (once again this is just my opinion) Women are supposed to be “romaced” so to speak. Hence, the man usually asks the woman to marry him, making the choice to do so himself…and she ANSWERS HIM…she has the choice…to accept or decline. It is the same way in nature…the female decides which male she wants to be with…and the men try to win her over in some way or another. When we meddle in the process things get thrown out of line…..and now i’ve rambled on too long…lol. This post just got my mind jogging!
Post # 6
WOW. What an amazing article. I felt like he was talk to ME and my exact situation!!
But it’s true… If he really wanted to marry you, he’d step up. He’d do whatever it took to put that ring on your finger and make you his wife. Sure, money might be tight, but there’s always very cheap ways to do things, and if you’re willing to make a few sacrifices (i.e.: Having a small intimate backyard wedding rather than renting a huge hall for 100+ people).
I’m in this situation right now. My b/f owes $18,200 back to his credit limit and he wants that paid down a bit before he buys a ring. But… With the money he’s using to pay it back, he could be using it for a ring. So really, it’s just an excuse. I’ve given him ’til January. January was HIS timeline, and HIS idea. I asked: “When do you think you’ll have most of your credit line paid back?” His response was: “Well, I could have it mostly paid off by March. But for what WE want (ring), January. I can have at least half of it paid down by January”.
So January it is… His last chance.
Post # 7
@Gwen von D: $18,200 is a really serious amount of debt. It’s better for BOTH of you in the long run if he gets that down before purchasing a ring. All that interest will set both of you up for a shakey beginning to your marriage, finance-wise. I don’t think that’s “just an excuse”. I think it is him being realistic and responsible. Him taking control of his finances is the most responsible thing he can do – and thus he is being a good provider. I think you should be giving him miles more slack than you are. I think that’s a really unfair deal breaker.
Post # 8
I’m happy to wait (which I am doing currently) if it means that I know it was something he could 100% afford, instead of going into debt for it. I know money is a HUGE stressor for couples and the fact that he has his head on right about money makes me happy to do a little more “waiting” so that we are living within our means.
Post # 9
I just emailed this to my SO. I’ll be interested to see what Mr.Owl has to say when I get home tonight. So interesting!
Post # 10
@crayfish: yeah, but if he proposes, and they marry, then she wil likely start putting her money toward that debt as well (assuming they pool resources like most couples). So more will be going toward the total each month. Would I help someone I wasn’t at least engaged to pay serious money on a debt? Heck no! Too risky!
Plus, she doesnt mention if they are already living together, but if theyre both living alone, two can live together much more cheaply than each maintaining his or her own place.
Post # 11
@EffieTrinket: Good points! I agree. I think it’s kind of bunk to wait until you’re in the ‘right place’ to get married. I mean, if everyone waited until they were debt free, could buy a ring in cash, and already had a home purchased, no one would ever get married. EVER. Mr. Artichokey was of a mindset that he wanted to wait until he was done with college and had a good job and savings, etc. I’d be waiting for a long time. I told him I didn’t need the giant, extravagent ring and put together a budget for our wedding and suddenly he was totally on board. We both have student loans and credit cards to pay for but we love each other and us getting married really is just about getting married, nothing else. If it’s right, you make it happen!
Post # 12
Hmm on the one hand, I do agree with a lot of what he is saying. I have so many friends that have been with guys for so long that it seems like the guy will never propose!
I am coming up on 3 years with my boy, and it is likely to be 4 years together before I get a ring, purely because of financial reasons. We bought a house, so we are just not in the best position to save easily for a wedding (even a cheaper, smaller one!) That said, we often have “check in” conversations where we are at, how much has been saved and what the next step is. So I am confident that he is not stringing me along.
That said, I have one friend who has been with her guy for 8 years and they both want to get married, except neither of them has talked about it with each other! How can you ever expect to get married unless you let your boyfriend know?
Post # 13
SOOOO agree!!! I just read this to my man and he looked supremely uncomfy. we are coming up at 3 yrs in Dec and he already knows we are in make it or break it mode the next couple of months…
Post # 14
@maggierose: hehehe! Keep us posted on how it turns out!
Post # 15
@artichokey: Right on. I wish more people had that attitude. Sometimes I think people make it a lot harder than it really is.
Post # 16
I’m not sure how I feel about this article. Everyone’s relationship is different so I don’t think we can all say 3 years is the “cut off”.
I am approaching the 3 year mark, and in no way think i could give him an ultimatum right now. There is no doubt in my mind that he’s the one….just trying to be as patient as possible without losing my mind!!!