Post # 1
We’ve been married 18mos, and been together 6.5 years. I chose to keep MY last name, for many reasons but mostly because of the difficulty involved in changing it in two different countries while on a visa. My husband’s family does not respect that I am not Mrs. hislast and still address me that way anyway, and writing xmas cards this year even my husband addressed everything as X & Y hislast. This really bugs me. I know it bothers him I have not taken his name, but we’re at a stalemate. I realize he sounds very unreasonable, but it is a very emotional issue for both of us.
Post # 3
Tell him you’ll change it when you’re not on a visa anymore? If it’s just temporary and you plan on changing it anyways….not really a big deal. If you don’t plan on taking it, that’s another story
Post # 4
I haven’t planned on changing it. IF we have kids I’ll think about it then. I wish I wanted to, becasue then I wouldn’t feel conflicted, but I don’t have that desire. I’m not on a visa anymore, and actually am a dual citizen so I was thinking about changing it before I get a passport and renew my USA one – but I still haven’t decided so my parents and friends suggested I just keep mine on my passports for now.
Post # 5
Ugh, I would not tolerate my husband not calling me by my name. Can you maybe try asking your husband how he’d feel if you wanted him to take your name, and explain to him that you feel the same way?
I feel your pain on the frustration. My husband’s family still mostly addresses stuff to us as “Mr. and Mrs. Husbandslastname,” even though they know that I kept my name. I think that they felt that it was cute to address us as “Mr. and Mrs. X” as newylyweds, and did not realize that I did not want to be called that at all. Husband is reiterating the message to them, so hopefully they wull get it this time around!
I have been really surprised at the number of people who think that even if a woman has not changed her name, she still technically is “Mrs. Hislastname” and would enjoy being called that on an envelope. I know that some women who keep their names are perfectly okay with being called “Mrs. Histlasname” sometimes, but I would imagine that most are not. If I didn’t change my name, it’s not my name!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor
Uhg, how annoying! The worst is being Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName, arg. 🙁 To show him how annoying it was I had everyone who sent us xmas cards (my friends, family) address them to Mr and Mrs MyLast Hislast, or Mr and Mrs. MyFirst MyLast HisLast. He just laughed… so I don’t think it really got the point across. However, he was excited for the one piece of mail that was addressed to HisFirst & Myfirst HisLast…
Post # 7
After this amount of time, it is seriously disrespectful that people have not gotten the message. ESPECIALLY your husband – his using the wrong name is only going to encourage other people who either want you to have his name or honestly don’t know what you’ve done. I cannot even fathom how livid I will be if my fiance does something like this after we are married.
Post # 8
Stick to your guns! I am not married yet but I fully plan on keeping my own last name. I honestly do not see why I should be required to change my name, I think it is an unreasonable expectation. A name is just a name after all and not what makes or holds a family together.
I think the only solution to this kind of situation is communication, you will both have to learn to live with your decisions or find a compromise (perhaps take a third name?). But the key will be to be very open about what it means to you both and focus on the emotional (and legal) bond you have rather than what your last names are…
I come from a family where we have different surnames, my mum and one brother has name A but me, my other brother and my dad have name B, and I have never felt that we are any less of a family. When my fiance and I have kids I will insist on them having my last name, I’ve mentioned this to my fiance but I don’t think he realizes fully how serious about this I am.
Post # 9
Thanks for the responses! It is incredibly frustrating. My family address everything correctly because they have asked and accept (and respect) that I did not change my name. My mother encouraged me to, becasue “it is easier” but so far I have not had any complications.
His mother was FINE with the idea of me keeping my name, saying “she can do what she wants and what makes her happy” but will still refer to me as Mrs. HerLast name because she thinks it’s cute. When it comes up with SIL, and how I got mad she addresses mail to us as Mr and Mrs HisLast her response is “well it’s about time she changed her name”.
My husband and I have had many discussions from the time we got engaged, 3 years ago about the name issue, we are never going to agree, or find a compromise, unless I take his name, in some form…. but having two last names seems like such a hassle to me and I refuse to lose mine altogether. I am just about to renew my passport and this brought the matter up again.
The problem we have is, we both understand eachother’s sides…. but we’re both unwilling to change. I wish there was a way to make my husband OK with me keeping my name because it actually deeply hurts him that I don’t want to change my last name to his.
Post # 10
Before you got married did you tell him you wanted to keep your last name?