Ever date someone who wasn't child-free?

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

samael :  Nope. That has always been one of my dealbreakers. I would always find out their stance on kids in the initial getting to know you dates and end it as soon as I knew they wanted kids. So before either of us had invested any real time in the relationship.

Post # 3
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

samael :  I had a good friend who is CFBC, and she started dating a guy the same time I started dating my husband who eagerly wanted kids. We’ve since drifted, but the last conversation we had about 2 years into their relationship, she said that she would “pop one out” to make him happy… It made me so sad, because she would always tell me about the honest fear she has of having children and how she really has no desire to have children 🙁 Today, they’re still together after 5 years – living together now, but they haven’t moved further than that in their relationship, even though I know marriage was brought up fairly early in their relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
864 posts
Busy bee

This got me thinking. I had one serious relationship in university, the topic never came up. I guess we assumed that we would have some (this was before I realized not having children was a viable option) The rest were older men who already had kids, or pretty boy toys (where there was no future).

Post # 5
Member
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have not (been with H since we were 16), but if something were to happen and we broke up, I don’t think I could date someone who *wanted* kids, but I would consider dating someone who already had older kids. I think it would be too difficult to have to deal with that, and I feel like I would be taking away their purpose in life or something because I would NOT be popping one out for them. 

Post # 6
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee

I dated a guy that had maybe an 8 year old(?) daughter.  This was before I was decidedly CFBC.”, but I was definitely not interested in kids.  We dated casually, a few weeks.  He was a bore.  I’d guess that was one of the reasons he was divorced.  

I dated a guy a little more seriously for I think under a year that definitely saw being a dad in his future.  But I was really young then and that whole prospect would have been years off.  He didn’t turn out to be mature or responsible enough to even have a serious relationship let alone kids.  He is childless now to the best of my knowledge.  

I’ve probably dated slews of guys that saw kids in their future but it didn’t progress enough for it to be a thing or even a topic.

When I met my husband the fact that neither of us were too keen on kids was established right away and then at some point it was kinda self evident that we were CFBC without even a major discussion.  It was made official at some point, it wasn’t a big deal.  

I was lucky to kinda fall into it without having to go out of my way seeking a like minded partner.  I’m guessing that is pretty fortunate. Dating is hard enough without adding that huge thing to the mix and how it shrinks the dating pool to an extreme degree.  That would be tough. 

Post # 7
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a couple times, or even those with kids, and every single time it was a gong show, especially those with kids. As soon as I realized I definitely didn’t want to have one more and I knew I didn’t want to deal with someone else’s young children. I made it pretty clear teenagers I could deal with, one that was younger and it was uncomplicated I could deal. I met my FH on eharmony and I was very clear about it on my profile. It’s part of why I tend to date men older than me, if they’re in their 40s and don’t have kids odds are they don’t want them.

Post # 8
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

samael :  Darling Husband initially wanted chilldren when we met. but it wasn’t really an actual desire to have children so much as an expectation that that’s just what you do/the normal course of things if you get married. i was adamantly CFBC from the beginning, and tried to break up with him over it but he wouldn’t let me. he had no intentions of changing my mind – instead, he chose to be open to not having children and convinced me that if it was a dealbreaker for him, then he would break up with me (but that it was patronizing for me to make the choice to break up for him on his behalf). so we continued dating, got very serious very quickly, he decided that I was more important than a kid that didn’t even exist. then his sister had a baby…and well, that sealed the deal. he decided he’s very happy being an uncle and doesn’t want kids. in 5 years he’s going to get a vasectomy (waiting out 5 years because i just got a new IUD so i’m giving him until then – you know, just in case i like die tragically or something). at this point, i’d dare say he’s even more committed to being CFBC than i am. meaning that if i got accidentally pregnant, his default position is “get an abortion” whereas i dont know what id want to do in the event of an accidental pregnancy.

Post # 9
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

samael :  IMO it isn’t something that can be compromised on so my short answer is no: I haven’t and I wouldn’t. In fact, when I realised I was CFBC I would have ended what was then a 5.5 year relationship with my then fiance (now husband) if he didn’t decide he was fine not having children.

Where I may consider it is if I were much older; I might date a man with adult children. But I would want to know how much level of involvement he would want with any grandchildren as I would not be prepared for either of us to babysit, for example. I really really don’t like being around babies and young children, I feel uncomfortable the entire time and can only deal with it onnrare occasions in certain settings.

Post # 10
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

I have never wanted to have my own children. Ever. It has been a part of who I am my whole life that I never wanted to have the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, chatting with other mummies about mummy stuff, the school run, sports days etc etc. People thought I was weird for this when I was younger and it has been quite isolating as all my friends, siblings, and cousins have one by one had kids. I am definitely the outsider but it hasn’t changed my not wanting to have kids. So I have always considered myself childfree by choice. However… because my husband has a 15 year old daughter I’ve been told by people on this site I’m not allowed to call myself CFBC. 

My step daughter lives with her mum. If something catastrophic happened she might come to live with us, as would any member of our family in dire need. It wouldn’t be my preferred situation, but like the other parts of the vows we made we accept everything about each other, even the bits we find more challenging.

So I’m clearly not part of the parent club but I have discovered I’m not allowed in the CFBC club either. I now don’t get involved in CFBC discussions on this site because the judgement I received was not from people who thought I should parent, but from CFBC women who seemed to see me as some kind of traitor. 

Post # 11
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

coolwater17 :  OMG, same! I don’t “belong” anywhere. I am definitely looked at with contempt from the “real” moms, but the CFBC don’t want me around because I do help raise 2 children who aren’t mine. I feel many CFBC are uncomfortable around kids or downright don’t like children. That’s not me, I just never had any children of my own, but I don’t hate them. I like children.

You have to realize at my age the majority of men are divorced and have children. If it doesn’t work out with your current CFBC spouse and you’re in your late 30s/40s it will be very difficult to find men without children. Obviously not impossible, but it will be hard. Im mid 40s and have no children of my own. I didn’t want children for most of my life and when I got around 38 I kinda did, but because my prior boyfriend had 2 children he didn’t want any more and I was ok with it because I got to help raise his children. I lived with them from when they were 8 and 10 until they were 14 and 16. We broke up and it sucked, all that time, work, love, tears, and I never hear from them.

Then I met my current boyfriend and he has 2 children 8 and 10. So I literally have to do it all over again. I love them, they love me, but it’s a LOT of work. We have them a little more than 50% and I have to do everything a ‘real’ mom does, but get none of the credit and less of the ‘good’ parts. I have the discipline, homework help, making lunches, doing laundry, hearing them fight, cleaning up, making them bathe, making dinner, shopping, taking them to religion and practice and games, tucking them in, it goes on and on. But Im not a ‘mom’ and I’m not CFBC. Its literally all the worst parts of parenting without all the really cool parts. 

It was a REALLY hard decision if I wanted to get involved with him after already doing it for 6 years and literally starting all over and doing it ALL OVER. I decided this man, my boyfriend, is worth it. He is literally perfect for me. He is drop dead gorgeous, we have the same world views, he is kind, generous, and has the same ideals and wants the same relationship I want. He puts up with me, he has an amazing job and no debt and secure retirement and savings, he is loyal, he’s just such a good person, we have the same interests, he is so perfect for me. I got to know him before meeting the children and he is so worth it, and the children are worth it. They are great kids and they deserve the woman he is with to love them and treat them well. They’ll get older and move on and I will have this amazing man for the rest of my life.

The thing is, the values and ideas about a relationship that I want, the life I want, is with a man who has “family values” so generally the men who I am interested in, who want the same type of life I want, who have the same ideals I have, are “family men”. And again its my age, at mid 40 most men are going to have children.

Post # 12
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

coolwater17 :  personally I think a 15 year old daughter he doesn’t have custody of doesn’t mean you aren’t CFBC. Where I don’t consider CFBC is where the younger are younger (pre-teen) and/or the partner has a lot of involvement raising them.

Some people are very firm that CFBC = no involvement in raising children in any context. Personally I’m more liberal (I’ve also been told on here that I’m not CFBC because I would considering fostering teenagers short-term later in life), though I would roll my eyes at someone who proclaimed to be CFBC but was living with someone who has sole custody of young children. If you are playing a significant and long-term part in raising a child then you are not CFBC.

Post # 13
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

pixxiefox :  I would say you’re a parent/step parent. I don’t think you can consider yourself CFBC when you have such a big part to play in raising two relatively young children.

Even if I were to get divorced, I would rather be single than have an active role in parenting children. I would be fine with someone who had adult children in theory, but even then it would depend on how they viewed grandparenthood (would they want a very active roll as a grandparent?). That is why I consider myself CFBC because there is literally no situation in which I would ever wish to raise children.

Post # 14
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

pixxiefox :  

I can identify with feeling you have the worst of both worlds, although I don’t have to do any of that ongoing care stuff.

Interestingly, I briefly dated a man who was CFBC and thought that would be great, but his vocal hatred of children got SO TEDIOUS (and was ironically really childish in a “my own wants and needs are the only thing I can be aware of” sort of way).

I don’t hate kids. I like some of them a lot. Same deal with adults: like being around some, not others. A few hours with kids is enough for me though. I am very glad to give them back.

 

barbie86 :  maybe we need our own board: CFBC but have a general principle of not hating other humans based on age or any other demographic. Bit of a mouthful though.

Post # 15
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

I am not trying to threadjack so apologies if it comes off that way… but some of the PP’s words really resonated with me.

I don’t think I am CFBC, at least not firmly. I am someone who vaguely wants to be a mother (one of my own/adoption/fostering… doesn’t particlarly matter… the idea of pregnancy tends to nauseate and frighten me more than excite me).  And every time I think “hey, maybe I wouldn’t mind falling pregnant” I then think “hmmm I think I would rather have one more summer of freedom and fun.” Now at 32 I realize I can’t put it off forever.

So I date a guy with a son.  If you read my posts, this is a big deal to me and something I don’t take lightly. We do not live together and we have a pretty set schedule of when we are together and how much time I am around his son (this is pretty much my doing.) I want to be 110% sure before jumping in (living together).

This guy really loves me and while he obviously isn’t perfect, he has so many great qualities I cannot justify leaving him because he has a rambunctious kid with a not too involved woman. If the mother was more “motherly” it would probably be easier (or would it?) but she is pretty self involved and her time with her son is super limited. I told SO that if we were living together and got married the REALITY is that I would be taking on some mom duties. That is just the reality. Hell, I would be spending more time with his child than his mom. I would be lying if I said that doesn’t scare the shit out of me. Yay, parenting and responsibility without the biological unconditional love part. 

So in conclusion, I am *currently* CFBC with a guy with a son and it is not easy nor is it ideal but I personally feel that unless you literally cannot stand children, you may end up missing out on a great guy by refusing to date a man with kids (this is more directed at women age 30+… I say hell no to dating men with kids in your 20’s)…

 

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