(Closed) NWR:Ever feel as though a close friend is unsupportive? What do you do about it?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

I know exactly how you feel because I’m in that situation now.  I have a close friend who I met in university.  We are very similar – in interests, culture, the way our moms brought us up, etc.  She is someone I respect very much, whose opinion I highly value.  I’ve opened up to her about very intimate details of my life (much more than I probably should, actually), and I can talk to her for hours and hours on end.

Then in 2012 I lost a lot of weight, had more success in the dating arena – both issues we used to commiserate about – and I’ve recently started being more aggressive about my career (which is one thing she’s always had more success with than me). 

I gradually started noticing jealousy issues, so I’d downplay what was going on with me, and tried to put the focus on how awesome she is instead.  But things still progressively got worse, and it came to a point where I realized over time that she no longer has my best interest at heart anymore, when we talk.

She’d always drag any positives in my life down, and when she gave me advice, it would always be things that I knew were not good for me.  I felt like she was always digging for information from me to criticise me, and she’d never volunteer information about herself.  And she’d keep giving me terrible advice that I knew without a doubt would screw me over, both long and short term.

So unfortunately, I’ve just started decreasing contact and not really responding to invitations.  We’ve had a couple conversations go sour and I honestly have no idea why she continues to ask me to hang out beyond digging for information and trying to make me feel bad. 🙁

Not sure if it’s the right thing to do in your case, but I feel that my relationship has run its course, and I’m just trying to let it fade out.

Post # 20
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

We choose our friendships and relationships based on our “needs”. You may not believe that but if you look at it, it’s true. You were going thru a rough time and she was the one who gave the shoulder, the advice, she was the “WISE” one in the relationship and you needed her to be! Now you don’t need her to be that. You’re more “equals” and it has upset the balance. Some friendships withstand this, others don’t. She’s apparently having trouble adjusting to her new role as confidante and cheerleader and that’s ok. The friendship may have run its course.

ETA: Don’t say it ISN’T genuine friendship. What you’ve shared over time was VERY REAL. It’s just changed – doesn’t suit your needs or hers anymore.

 

Post # 22
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You sound very level-headed, like you’ve spent lots of time considering the pros and cons and have come to a decision.  

But have you shared any trepidations with your friend? If all she’s heard from you is excitement and you haven’t shared any of your concerns, she might think you’re making decisions very blindly and naively.  

Buying a property when you have a job and not a career is a big risk.  Should you (or your SO) want to change paths and go back for more schooling, you won’t abe able to because you’re stuck with mortgage payments.  And buying a property with your SO is another big financial and emotional risk.  If you can only afford to buy with your combined incomes, what happens if one/both of you loses your job?  What kind of written agreement will you have if you split up? Are you prepared to live with an ex-boyfriend if you split up and it takes 2 months to sell the house (this happened to a divorced couple I knew, and he was bringing home other women!)?  Even if you do just rent an apartment, couldn’t that money go towards a downpayment? 

Does she know you’ve acknowledged and accepted these kinds of risks? 

Post # 24
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@alt_bride:  It sounds like she can’t handle your happy. It happens a lot in friendships. 

It happened in one of mine. We had been through so much together, in our respective lives. We were both single and just dealing with douchey men and then I met my now husband and BAM…she couldn’t take it anymore.

I personally think that they just don’t know what to do with it. Like things were one way and now they are another. Also makes it hard to deal when your life is crappy. Like if her life sucks, it’s hard for her to hear.

Yes, I deal with friends not being supportive a lot in my life. I have no idea how to handle it, so I just ignore it and talk to my husband. lol I’m sorry…I know it’s really hard.

One of the downsides of finding your husband NOBODY ever talks about…your friendships change. Some make it, some don’t. 

xo

Post # 25
Member
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This sounds like a friendship I’ve had in the past. Express your concerns and if nothing comes from it, or if it turns out worse than it is, just stop contacting her.

The topic ‘NWR:Ever feel as though a close friend is unsupportive? What do you do about it?’ is closed to new replies.

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