Post # 1
It’s not that I expect everyone to be thinking about our wedding twenty four seven, but…
My fiance hasn’t helped with anything… I’m the one spending hours stuffing, labeling, and stamping save the dates, hand making favor bags, putting together flower girl pomanders, and the ten million other crafts I want to do..
My bridesmaids act like the whole thing is a terrible inconvenience… right down to the point that I’ve had to order their dresses for them because they couldn’t be bothered to do it on their own.
My Future Mother-In-Law keeps bugging me to be involved more, but she STILL hasn’t sent me her list of addresses for her guest list or called hotels to block off, even though I asked her for these things months ago, and save the dates need to go out next week.
When I was visiting family this weekend, no one asked about how planning was going at all, even though I haven’t talked to most of them in a few months.
I make a big effort not to place big demands on the people involved in the wedding an I try not to bore people by talking about it all the time, but… you’d think people would be a little more helpful or interested… or at a minimum able to do the very few things I ask in a timely fashion.
Post # 3
I will be honest, when I read this post I was thinking "she must be recently engaged, because no one else does care about your wedding and she will learn quickly enough". But then I heard about your bridesmaids….that is awful!
I think the best thing you can do is have an honest talk with your fiance about how his behavior is making you feel – and don’t do it right after you’ve wrapped 100 favor boxes and are ready to wring his neck! Really, your friends and your mother in law may never fall in line, in which case you will really need his support.
Post # 4
First of all, you need to get your Fiance involved. It’s his wedding too. It may not have been his idea to have tulle-wrapped candied almonds (or whatever) but it’s a good time in the relationship to establish the expectation that you guys are a team. So if he expects you to help shop and cook and whatnot when he decides to have a dozen guys over to watch the superbowl (I know, I’m being horribly sexist here) he can learn to pitch in when you need help. My husband and I wrapped candles, assembled invitations, and wrote thank you notes together, and had a really good time.
Your bridesmaids you have less control over, but either they didn’t really understand the expectations, or you are expecting too much. It might be a little of both. Some of my friends did way more than I ever expected, but some of them were so busy with their own lives that all they could really offer was late night email support. Maybe your girls aren’t interested, and maybe they’re just really busy. Since I assume they are your best friends, I really hope they just have a lot going on in their lives.
Your Future Mother-In-Law just sounds flakey. Sure, she wants to do something – but apparently not what you asked her to do. I would let her know that STD need to be addressed by such-and-such a date, and any guests whose addresses you don’t have will simply not get one. And then email her the list of names, to remind her which addresses you need. And hotel blocks really aren’t necessary, but if you want them, you might have to do it yourself. Or assign that task to your Fiance. Or better yet, assign your Fiance to nag his mom to get her things done.
And then make yourself a nice drink, pour a big warm bath, and remember that your family will be really happy to see you married. Everybody’s family acts all weird when they’re getting married. It’s part of the package somehow. Later on you can laugh about it. My husband and I both laugh at how weird my family was – which was topped only by how weird his family was. It’s so much funnier now than it was at the time.
Post # 5
I agree previous posters, have a heart to heart talk with your fiance about how the planning is going and the frustrations you are having. I knew my fiance wasn’t going to be interested in every aspect of the wedding and that’s expected, so I gave him parts of the planning that I thought would be more interesting or he might excel in. For example, he’s in charge of getting the playlist together and the technical aspects of that.
I’m really sorry about the bridesmaids situation. When I first started planning it was hard because I am the first of my group of friends to get married so my girlfriends weren’t really as enthusiastic as I had hoped, but honestly I think it’s because they didn’t know what is expected and what is really involved in wedding planning. I have to admit that I wasn’t the best either when it was my sister’s turn until I started planning myself. Maybe you just gently said that you are so happy they are sharing this day with you and your fiance but you are just feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate some of their help and contribution? People need to know what is expected of them otherwise we can only receive what they give.
Good luck and I hope things get better!
Post # 6
Try not to let your bridesmaids’ lack of enthusiasm affect how you see your friendships. As someone who’s been on both sides of the bridesmaid fence, let me tell you that I did not win bridesmaid of year. I love my friend dearly and was her maid of honor, but I just didn’t GET IT. I didn’t get how it was so difficult to plan a wedding, I didn’t know how all consuming it can be if you let it. She was the first of us girls to get married and the only other wedding I’d been to was when i was 5, so I knew that I was in charge of her shower and her batchlorette party and that was about it.
Now that I am planning a wedding of my own, I regret that I was such a twit. I didn’t even go the openning presents thing at her parents house the day after the wedding because she said that I could go to it if I wanted to, but that I didn’t have to. Don’t be afraid to tell your bridesmaids what exactly you need from them, where they be, what time. Don’t worry about being demanding. I would have done whatever my friend wanted, but quite often I didn’t know what that was. There lack of enthusiasm might be more of a fall back position caused by not knowing what to do.
My point is that your friends and family do think that your upcoming wedding is important, it just doesn’t have the same sense of urgency as it does for you.
That being said, it still sucks. I do know how you are feeling. I have three girls in my wedding party and one of my best friends is expecting her first child 4 months before the wedding and the other separated from her husband 9 months before the wedding. So my wedding drama is taking a back seat to their drama ( as well it should). I completely understand that they have their own lives that need some serious attending to, but I also a little part of me that says ‘pay more attention to this time people, because once its gone we can’t do the yay I’m getting married, i’m so excited, wedding dress, wedding dress dance again’.
Post # 7
I feel exactly the same way. Sometimes I guess really no one does care. It gives me some comfort to know I am apparently not the only one.
My mother is out of the picture and my father has avoided the whole subject of a wedding completely as to avoid being asked to pay for anything and therefore doesn’t even know the date because he’s impossible to talk to. My sister pulls the "butch lesbian" card if I try to ask her a wedding related question. My fiance’s parents refuse to address things like engagements, one of their other sons having a baby, and the fact that two of their sons are around 30 and living at home. My fiance’s mother, whom I usually like very much, has upset me a lot recently because I have been trying to ask her for help/opinions and all she ever has to say is that all of it is a waste of time and money (our budget is around $5000). My friends are mostly busy worrying about degrees and careers and are uninterested in the idea of marriage (they’ve always looked at me weird for having any sort of maternal instict too), so I decided to only have a maid of honor. Still she’s too busy to do anything, has had pretty much no input and only sees things after I’ve chosen/bought them, she doesn’t like any ideas I have for her dress and she intends to find something herself in the spring (then I approve it). My fiance has been trying to help, I’m just fed up and unhappy though. On the plus side, the budget gets smaller the more my nerves become frayed. I have given up on decorating completely. Five more months…I will be so glad when this is all over.
Post # 8
It’s the truth–nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do. This is especially true for your fiance–your girlfriends are probably interested in weddings in general…guys, not so much.
Honestly, that’s why WeddingBee is so great. We are all, of course, desperately interested in the great dilemma that is chiavari chairs v. chair covers v. accepting what’s at the venue. We couldn’t be more excited that you found exactly the right shade of teal for your Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. And, of course, we will discuss for hours whether you should get a chapel length veil or a cathedral. Let us be your outlet!
Post # 9
Agreed, unfortunately people just don’t care that much about other people’s wedding. I am very lucky to have a fiance who is not only wonderful, but is wonderfully interested in wedding planning and helping with DIY stuff. Of course I’m saying that before we’ve even started any painful projects… other than him I’ve had the same experience over the holidays with family giving me the ‘that’s nice dear’ look whenever I mention the wedding. They want to know where it is and if there is an open bar and nothing further
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
I always tried not to talk about the wedding unless people asked. I just try to remember how little I cared about peoples weddings before I got engaged… honestly, I cared very little, so I never expected people to care about the phases of my own planning.
I do feel so bad for you about your bridesmaids! Perhaps try to turn wedding chores for them into fun adventures. If they have to buy something else for the wedding, say, shoes or accessories or whatever, perhaps find a day when you can all go together and take them out to lunch or coffee afterwards!
Post # 11
My daughter and best friend in Cali could take it or leave it (probably because I’m over the top and so excited I’m sure I get on their nerves) but my best friend in Florida is all on board!! Now she just needs to move here.
Are their people who you know, who aren’t in the wedding, that you can get to share your joy and over the top wedding planning??
I personally (at this point) don’t expect my guy to be involved in the stuffing and favors and all that. I’m WAY too OCD to let him touch anything! But I do have a gaggle of girl friends who are more then excited to come over and help and enjoy it. While they aren’t going to be IN the wedding, they are very excited to share in my craziness!
I’m sorry about the bridesmaids not being over the top with you!! I agree that making the tasks into fun events might help! I say that wine makes any event fun!
Post # 12
This may be an old post/thread.. But I feel this way for same reasons. Except that my Fiance does ALOT for the wedding.
my bridesmaids -one married, one my sis, and 2 engaged… They are too busy with their own lives which is understandable..I guess.
my my future family in law show 0% interest, even tho I’m marrying their first born son?
my workmates are all single or not engaged yet..so they don’t care..
lol! Reading thru this makes me sound like a self pitying bridezilla haha.
all I care that my Fiance cares we will spend the rest of our lives together (:
Post # 13
i am four weeks out from my wedding, and i am only beginning to realise that some people just DONT GET IT.
I have six bridesmaids (note, if i ever get married again, have a smaller bridal party), and not one of them is close to marriage. This is, for most of them the first wedding they’ve been to in a long time (or at all), and me being the first to get married, is getting nowhere near the support i expected. Three of them arent even coming to by bridal shower (one of them “doesnt like the venue i chose for it”).
I am a young bride too (ill be married by my 20th birthday and got engaged when i was 17), that and the fact that my bridesmaids are early twenties doesnt seem to help the ‘getting it’ part.
Also, my maid of honor is four hours away, so shopping with her, or anything like that for the wedding is pretty much impossible. She knows shes responsible for my shower and thats it. However, i have been able to assign her lots of important things on the day, which is something.
I also had to order (and pay for) my bridesmaids dresses, sheos, makeup, everything AND paid for more than half of my own bridal shower, so i totally get the bridesmaids thing.
I just hope that by the time the next one of them gets married they realised how much it hurts to have your friends just bail on you, when you only are planning to get married once.
I tried to get them to understand what a big deal this is, and even said “if you dont think you can handle the responsibility, or simply dont want to be a bridesmaid, speak now or forever hold your peace.” but ovcourse, it was all dandy when i asked, and now when i actually expect them to chip in, theyre all uncontactable.
Post # 13
I think I need some help with this. I’m a guy and guys are labeled as not caring about such things but I’m am different…
I have no idea what happened along the way to “our” big day but I no longer feel like the groom and I have lost my excitement and enthusiasm. About a year go I moved to a new city, far away from my own family to be with my fiance. Maybe my lack of feelings is due to the fact that I miss my own family, especially my younger sister as we were/are very close. Maybe, also, I would like to feel special as well and here, alone, I don’t get that. An example was when I went to get my suit, my fiance went with me and I ended up with a nice suit but I didn’t feel like a groom. It was like going to buy any regular suit. Nothing special. I didn’t feel special.
I am still trying to be useful in planning the wedding and doing all the graphic work and design and we did most things together, but with a lot of conflict as I was feeling more and more like a second party to the wedding. I badly want to feel excited again but I don’t know how.
Can someone help me?
Post # 14
amandopolis: I tapped this into google to see if anyone felt the same way that I do as I was about to get a lil bit depressed about it. Thank God this is not as rare as I thought!
Post # 15
caithe: I’m glad that SOMEONE understands my predicament. I posted a thread about a very similar situation as this one, and was very quickly told how wrong I was for wanted others to show at least the slightest bit of interest in my wedding. So reading your comment was very reassuring that I was not alone.