(Closed) Ever Felt Like Stepping Down from BM Duties? (A Differnet Kind of Post)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really wouldn’t want to be in her wedding if I hadn’t talked to her in months.  I would try to talk to her about it and how you feel but if she doesn’t respond to you, maybe you should take that as your out since you have your own financial responsibilities to deal with instead of spending almost $2,000 on a wedding for a friend who is barely a friend to you.

Post # 4
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club

I have to agree with Miss AsB that you should talk with her.  If I wasn’t really friends with someone anymore, it would be really hard to fork over that amount of money for a wedding of someone you don’t intend to talk with after the wedding.

Post # 5
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I can sympathize, but I think you need to stick it out just a little bit longer. You say she really doesn’t have many friends, so if you pull out, it could really devistate her. It doesn’t sound like she did any one terirble thing to make you mad, she just hasn’t been the best friend she could have been. All things considered it won’t hurt you to participate as much as it would hurt her if you to quit. You can let the friendship quietly fade after the wedding is over but for now I think you have to honor your committment.

Post # 6
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I think considering you are planning your own wedding that the $2k pricetag alone is reason enough to step down.  Then you say she hasn’t talked to you in 5 months…that’s a really long time!  Especially in “wedding time.”  I think you should step down.  You have two good reasons, and if you don’t plan on being her friend after her wedding anyway, it seems like you should act on that now rather than waiting.  She’s not going to be a different person, a wedding doesn’t change people.

Post # 8
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wait, so is she a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding? I don’t think you clarified that. I would say that if you are prepared to lose her completely as a friend, then back out of being  a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Or ask if you can just be a guest – but sounds like even going as a guest doesn’t sound appealing to you.

I also have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a totally unresponsive/ungrateful bride and it’s the pits. I didn’t back out myself as I knew I would regret it, and I guess I didn’t even consider it really b/c I didn’t know it was an option, but I think if you aren’t going to be friends with her after the wedding since your friendship is already over, then it’s not worth spending all teh time and $$ to keep up appearances. At that point, it sounds like she would just be using you.

It was very annoying being a Bridesmaid or Best Man for my unresponsive/ungrateful friend b/c I had absolutely no idea what was going on at any given time. I was expected (by the MOH) to chip in on everything, but was never asked about the plans or told what they were! It sucked. And on the wedding day my poor Fiance had no idea where I would be at any moment as the schedule was never communicated to me despite my efforts of following up several times. I understand you’re busy when you are the bride (I am one!) but that’s no excuse.

Post # 9
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

If I were in your shoes, I might back out. $2K is a lot to spend when you’re planning your own wedding for someone you don’t feel close to and won’t be friends with later. I’d ask why you haven’t heard from her in five months and whether she actually wants you to be a bridesmaid.

Post # 10
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was recently in a similar situation. I was asked immedately after this one particular woman (who I barely even know) was engaged, and rushing to the altar with no idea what she is doing which is another story, if I would be a bridesmaid. She honestly did not give me a chance to take a breath and say I would think about it before she started in on what I would wear, etc. There was a whole bunch of drama with that but it wasn’t a week before I had to step down, because not only does she not really want me there (she only asked out of obligation), I do not and can not support that relationship and it is even tearing several families apart that it is continuing to go on. I didn’t feel bad about it either although I have been made to feel guilty for my choice. And no she is not in her teens by a long shot, where the melodrama would be expected.

You have to decide what is right for you and how it affects the relationship (if any) you may have with the couple. If you’ve drifted apart, then there is no reason to stand up as a bridesmaid, nor should you feel guilty for doing so.

Post # 11
336 posts
Helper bee

I totally feel you. I’m getting married and so is my Maid/Matron of Honor. I was her Maid/Matron of Honor…. but, I stepped down tonight. One, we weren’t close anymore… I’m not the one she talks to and she doesn’t even call/text/email me back. I felt BAD being her Maid/Matron of Honor when her other Bridesmaid or Best Man lives with her and talks to her all the time.

I don’t know if she’ll step down as mine. She was pretty cold when I told her though. She wants a lot too… Vegas for her bachelorette, her shower, a couples shower, us to stay with her two nights prior to the wedding/pay for the room, get our hair done, etc. It’s a lot… especially when planning your own wedding. This crap is expensive!

Post # 12
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If it was a local wedding, I’d say that it would be a very generous gesture for you to be her bm.  Your friendship is likely to drift further apart in the future, but it would be very kind of you to be a bridesmaid for her since she doesn’t have anyone else.  However, given the fact that this is such an expensive wedding, you need to decide if the resentment you will feel over wasting 1,700 will outweigh the guilt you are likely to feel if you drop out.  It is a tough decision, so you will need to decide which option is likely to make you feel the least unhappy. Given the fact that your friendship has drifted so far apart, I think that you have the right to pull out of the wedding if you think it is the best option.  It is quite likely to permanently destroy your friendship, but that may not be the greatest loss.  I would suggest that you reimburse her if she has incurred any expenses as a result of being a bridesmaid in your wedding since she is likely to drop out of your bridal party.  If you choose to remain in her wedding and letting her stay in yours, try to minimize the amount of stress she causes you (for example, if she flakes out on viewing the dresses, make a decision without her.  If she refuses to get measured in time, you can tell her she needs to do so by X date or she will be cut from the bridal party, or just guess as to her size and make her deal with the alterations to fix it).

Post # 13
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have to agree with almost everyone else. As your planning your own wedding the 2k is enough of a reason alone. Add on the fact that you haven’t spoken in months. If it were me I’d definatly step down.

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