Post # 1
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
A close friend had been waiting for about three years for her boyfriend of several years to propose. Heard the same old excuses about waiting for the right time and feeling pressured.
She started resenting him so much that when he proposed, she told him she needed to think before ultimately deciding that it was too late and the “ship had sailed”.
Came as a surprise to most of us who know them because we assumed they’d get married eventually.
Anyone else been in this situation or seen someone in a situation like this?
Post # 2
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
Yes there was a Bee a few years ago who was with the man for 10 years or so, he finally asked, she immediately said no. She had finally accepted he was never going to ask and had been going on auto pilot. When he asked she knew she could never see him that way again, the pain had been too much.
There are also women on here that ended up saying yes. Years later some will tell you they’ve never fully forgiven their husbands for putting them through that. It’s a hard resentment to live with.
Post # 3
Member
13 posts
Newbee
That’s why ladies and girls, put a timeline, be true to it, express it very clearly (i.e. Hints don’t count! You must actually have a serious but gentle discussion about this timeline), and stick with it. Remind him every few months, or weeks. Meaning, if he doesn’t meet your requirement by that timeline, for instance, if you love him but “he’s not ready,” or “he’s too poor” or “he can’t make you happy,” then you let him know this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t impress you, and you expect more. He can’t expect you to stay for someone who wants you to wait for him when you could be starting a family with someone who is as ready as you and more willing than he is. It is simply unfair of a person to string someone along in waiting, the same way as it is unfair to force someone to marry you.
If he steps up with a ring, then he loves you and wants to marry you.
If he doesn’t figure out a way to propose to you within his means, he is not in love with you and doesn’t want to marry you.
This is the best general advice I can give to women who are wondering about how to handle the waiting period and the subject of marriage.
Post # 4
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
lovebirdy : In my friend’s case, she said that she realised that for all these years, he was putting his own emotions and generally himself first. She said that he knew she was hurting waiting around for so long, but ignored her sadness. She said that his selfishness made her fall out of love with him, though she still loved him. She decided she wanted to be with someone who showed enthusiasm and happiness at the prospect of marrying her, rather than the “I can’t delay this anymore, so I should propose” vibes that she got from her then boyfriend.
Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee
That makes sense, she did what is right for her. Good for her. I feel for her honestly, I was worried it would be like that for me one time, but I didn’t have the same problem because he expressed to me at least from the first 3 months and through out our relationship that he wanted to marry me. So it is sad she never had that and it’s good she left. It’s so crazy how similar all the stories are with the waiting. Most of the time it is lack of communication, or hoping that what was communicated meant something else. 🙁
Post # 6
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
Some people become more obsessed with the idea of getting engaged/married than they are with the actual boyfriend/girlfriend.
Post # 7
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
summertime8 : and some people don’t realize that dragging something out with no concern for the other person will ruin the relationship. There are two in a relationship not just one!
Post # 8
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
phillygirl93 : For sure! It’s all about being on the same page emotionally and practically.
Post # 9
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
clec :
Many guys will hang around for quite awhile if they’re getting 80% of what they want. They feel pretty confident that they’ll eventually find their one hundred percenter.
Not fair. But the way it is.
Post # 10
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
but then why did she not break up with him when she fell out of love with him? Did she wait around for him to finally propose just to get the chance to say no? Sounds a bit vindictive to me.
Post # 11
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
jocelynxw : She said she hadn’t realised she was falling out of love with him, but when he proposed, she realised that it was not something she wanted as deeply as she did before. That it didn’t hold as much meaning for her as it once did.
Personally, I think it had become something like a relationship of convenience for both of them. They had been together for so long and living together too, that they just carried on. But it’s true that she had been wanting to marry him for a long time but it took him a very long time to finally act.
Post # 12
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
sassy411 : As in, they walk out on the the 80 percenter when they find the 100 percenter?
It reminds me of what people say about men leaving- that they only quit a relationship when they have their eye on someone else, rather than ending things because they aren’t getting exactly what they want in a partner.
Post # 13
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
clec :
Yup. Men like to be comfortable. They lean toward the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy. What they don’t do is ruminate endlessly on the status of their relationships. Men are not posting on their own boards wondering how we really feel about them or trying to interpret our every word and gesture.
Sooner or later, it dawns on them that the time to settle down is upon them and they go on the hunt for Miss Right.
Post # 14
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
sassy411 : True. It’s a shame that so often many of them make excuses about not proposing and waiting for the right time, when they do not intend to marry their partners. Particularly when the women in question are looking to have kids and then end up having to start all over again in their 30s.
Post # 15
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
It didn’t quite happen to me. In my first engagement I waited for 4 years and was unhappy for at least two. Very jealous of everyone around me getting married, and him still not being ready.
He did eventually do a really lovely proposal which I accepted Although we later called it off for other reasons, even with the big effort he made with the proposal, I never truly believed that he wanted to marry me. I felt like he had his life planned as he wanted and I was just tagging along, doing whatever he decided. The resentment had affected me badly and made me really insecure in the relationship.