(Closed) Every day routine slows down romance and affectionate words?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Darling Husband is still super lovey dovey but in a different way to the honeymoon period. He still tells me how much he loves me, is VERY affectionate but its no longer new so there’s not the excitement of realisation anymore. Its taken for granted that we are in love and in it for life. In that sense we are SO much closer and more emotionally intimate than we were when we were first wooing each other. A lot of honeymoon romance is endorphin enduced posturing and lust. When the dust settles on that stage then you know what you’ve really got. 

Post # 3
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

emeraldine:  What you’ve described normally happens when we become comfortable in our relationship and often take each other for granted.  The honeymoon stage gradually fades but it’s totally up to each couple to maintain or revive what attracted us to one another.  Years ago I read, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and my Fiance recently finished reading it too.  It’s a great read for couples as it provides insight into how each of us receive love – the kind of love that gives us that “feel good” feeling as you’ve described above.  

My Fiance and I have talked about how each of us would like to receive love as it’s what makes us feel valued, loved, and wanted.  It’s such a wonderful feeling when we can openly communicate how we would like to receive love from one another.  This has really helped us gain a better insight of how we’ve kinda allowed our love and the cloud nine stage slowly diminish over time.  Relationships take work and if it didn’t then how do we grow as an individual and as a couple?  After being together for a little over 2 years my Fiance still looks at me the same way he looked at me on our first date and it still makes my heart skip a beat.

As you mentioned, it sounds like you’d like to be reassured and affirmed of his love for you just like when you first started dating but you also do not want to be forceful in asking.  It’s OK to communicate this to your SO; communication is important and it’s something we so very often take for granted and we stop talking.  How I sometimes go about asking for what I need is speak of our first date and I’ll say, “Babe, remember the time when…the way you looked at me made my heart skip a beat.  I love it when you tell me…”  What works for me may not work for everyone but I do wish you all the best.  

Post # 4
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

emeraldine:  when people begin to fall in love you’re brain is flooded with dopamine. When people Have been in love their brain is flooded with oxcytocin. Google it and read up on it. One is not better or worse. They are both love, just different types of love that serve function in a relationship….

things aren’t the same….but that’s not bad. We lost some things but we gained some things as reached more comfort together.

we still romance and say sweet things to each other. We still go out on dates….yeah, he doesn’t hide love notes in my lunch bags, so what? Yes, it’s sweet. But now he wakes up 30 minutes prior, so he can pack lunch and feed the animals and let me rest. That’s love. Just displayed differently. Pay attention, you might be taking it for granted.

Post # 5
Member
6508 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

People cannot keep up that level of romance forever. Life gets in the way, and we cannot have love on our minds 24/7. Relationships mature, and what the OP is describing is normal. Of course, a couple should maintain normal (whatever that is for them) intimacy and try to communicate well, and still do occasional out-of-the-ordinary romantic things for one another (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, whatever occasions matter to you), but the over-the-top lovey-dovey things generally don’t continue forever. Sadly, some people are addicted to the newness and the rush of a new relationship; they move on when things settle into a comfortable level of maintenance and then cannot figure out why their long-term relationships never work out. 

Post # 6
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

emeraldine:  is he still talking to the girl he hooked up with?

Post # 7
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

why dont you start by doing it yourself first? last night i realised we hadn’t had “couple” time in a while. we end up just reading the papers, checking emails and playing with the ipad before going to bed. so i put down my ipad and snuck up on him for a surprise hug, which led to us enjoying our time together rather than just physically being in the same room but not really interacting. 

Post # 8
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

emeraldine:  I guess both parties need to make an effort to prevent the slowdown?

I know that I’m in the minority about this: I’m from the school of thought that women should maintain a certain level of independance, mystery, and beauty to help sustain the momentum of the relationship. Of course, over time, routine sets in and the sizzle of the relationship is not as strong as it originally was.

Hence the need to keep things fresh: if you are married and have kids, have a date night where you are two individuals and not two parents. Keep up your appearance so you are pleasant to look at. Keep yourself busy with work, social life and community service but still make your husband a priority. If there’s a problem, inform him but don’t nag him and become a source of annoyance.

You mentioned that you live together. Is your man still your boyfriend or is he your husband? Again, I may be in the minority, but I’m a huge believer that “no ring on finger, you must not linger”. I was clear with my Fiance (after 1.5 years of relationship) that I was old fashioned and did not believe in co-habitation. If he wanted to see me everyday, he had to marry me.

Don’t be afraid to know your value in life. Sometimes men forget and take people/things for granted because of habituation. Consider focusing on a project or volunteering so that he remembers how it feels like to miss you.

 

Post # 10
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

emeraldine:  I am sorry to rub it in your face but my bf of 5 years is still as romantic as before, if not more. He doesn’t shower me with gifts or flowers, but he does stuff that make me smile. At first he never bought me cards for birthday, Vday, or Holidays even though I kept telling him that I like cards more than gifts (im weird like that). Now he gets me cards everytime. And many more examples like that. I think it will have to take years and years and years for him to stop. But then again, this is the kind of a guy he is. Some men are romantic, some are not. I know you miss romance, but what is more important is the fact that he is faithful , loves you, and respect you. Many women dont even get that lucky. You have something wonderful and dont let it spoil because of lack of romance.

Post # 11
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Lapetitemaimai:  are you a rules girl too! 

Post # 12
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

spbee:  Indeed! After years in a very un-rulesy and emotionally draining relationship, I saw the light 🙂

Post # 13
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Ms. OP, I’m going to try to comment on this thread of yours. BUT seem like you have quite some problems to solve out with your Boyfriend or Best Friend because of all your previous posts about him… You have threads up about you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have problems like: “He keeps contacting the girl he hooked up with!”, “I miss romance”, “What if he doens’t want to buy an engagement ring?”. And your latest one, “SO never makes the first step to make up after a fight.”

Regards this thread. It clearly that your love language is “Romantic words”. Like you said you love it when your Boyfriend or Best Friend say ‘I Love you’, or said Sweet/romantic words to you… Perhaps that is not your Boyfriend or Best Friend love language, get him to take the “5 Languages of Love” quiz with you to find out.

Me and my husband have different love language, we both took the quiz… I am “Acts of Service”, I show him love by cooking, cleaning, doing things for him. Darling Husband love language is “Physical Touch”, he show love by alot of kissing and being affectionate.

I have a cold childhood, so Darling Husband being affectionate is kindda awkward to me. It took me more than a month to get used to my husband kiss my butt cheek… Usually when I lay in bed, he would simple put his lips on my butt cheek an give it a kiss. But I always feel awkward about it… For the first time now I giggles. I giggles and I give him a hug. He was sooo happy that I now enjoy it and that I appreciate his kiss.

Regards your question. To be frank, I don’t even know how to keep the romance alive in my relationship/marriage. Pretty much, I am just being who I am, just being myself… In our relationship since the begining, we pretty upfront. We lay everything on the table for the other party to know, to be fair as much as we can to each others.

btw, I’m NOT a romantic person. I had an abusive mother in my childhood, so ‘romantic’ is the last thing on my mind. I don’t like romantic candlelight dinner. I don’t even like hold hands walking on the beach. I don’t like sweet lovey-dovey words. I don’t like Gifts or honeymoon… I married my husband in the most simple/unromantic ways, and it was all my insist.

Darling Husband is also not a romantic guy, he clueless when it come to the romantic department, Lol!! He doesn’t say ‘I Love you’ to me everyday. He doesn’t talk dirty with me. He doesn’t say sweet words to me… And frankly I don’t care those because ‘Sweet words’ to me is just like clouds floating on the sky, it doesn’t have much meaning. Overall, I’m an “Acts of Service” person, so I don’t get turn on by lovey-dovey words… OP, read the “5 Languages of Love” book and take the quiz, it helps you get to know what your love language is.

I know you said in your post that your Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t say loving/lovey-dovey words to you anymore… BUT how about his physical affections? Does he still kiss/touch you? Is your Boyfriend or Best Friend still affectionate to you outside of bed? Does he go out of his ways to do things for you? Does he pay attention to your little details? Is he protective of you?… All those things to me are way way MORE meaningful than hearing the “I Love you” words… And you said your Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t look at you ‘that way” anymore, have you try some sexy Lingerie to spce things up?

My husband is not the ‘sweet words’ type of person. But he likes to kiss alot, does that count as sweet? Lol!! To him, the ‘Physical Kiss’ stuff is more important than saying he loves me. Different guys just love differently. A guy doesn’t say he loves you that doesn’t means he doesn’t love you. I give an example:

My husband works long hours shift, sometimes he work overnight too. On the days he get off work late, I would cook for him in the middle of the night so he can have he can have hot fresh meal to eat… The other day as I was preparing his meal, putting food on the table for him. He hold on to my hands and keep kissing both of my hands… Darling Husband didn’t say ‘I love you’ when he kiss my hands. BUT I can feel it that he loves me, and that he grateful to me for cooking him his late dinner.

You see, some guys just ‘love’ differently. Pretty sure a guy can still you even if he doesn’t say those sweet/loving words anymore. Have you try tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend that you want him to say more sweet words to you?… IF every other aspects of your relationship is fine; then don’t worry about the lovey-dovey words. Actions matter more than any words out there… BUT from your posting threads history regards your BF; besides “Lacking romance and affectionate words”, you have other problems to solve out too.

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