(Closed) "Every woman wants to have kids"

posted 5 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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sparkles8rosegold :  To the issue, I am in my mid-late 30s and my desire NOT to have kids only got stronger as I got older. It was in fact when I was around 30 I determined I absolutely was no longer a fencesitter or an ambivalent procrastinator: I most definitely did not want them. That feeling has only increased over time. What did become a stronger want for me as I got older was getting sterilized though, and I did that at 35.

I don’t really ever face anyone in my personal life telling me to my face I will change my mind, or that I will regret it, or anything like that. If anyone did I would eagerly ask them to put their money on it and make a bet with me. Could be a good retirement plan! But I doubt that enough people will take me up on it – as I get older it seems people just realize kids are not for me or not part of my life for whatever reason. Some know I don’t want them – I am honest if asked about whether I have, want, or plan to have kids – but it is not something I tend to volunteer out of the blue because for me it is just a fact about me, not what my life is all about. Those who know me know, those who don’t can assume whatever they want I guess.

It helps I also work with two other childfree women who are close in age, so at least at my workplace the fact some women don’t want kids and aren’t having them is pretty normalized. I don’t announce being childree at work, but generally people seem to have picked up on the fact I am not interested in babies, children, and so on (shutting the door when they are around is a good clue I suppose!)

One friend of ours who could NOT have kids (her and her husband are childless and came to terms with that a long time ago) once told my husband that I might regret it one day – though she did not say same to him – but I think she was coming from a very different perspective than I am as someone who had very much wanted kids. I did not take it personally, mainly because regret is neither something I expect to happen, nor something I fear. 

I DO sometimes see and hear the “general” comments some make about people who do not want kids generally, and so on, and I just kind brush it off in person except to comment something about respecting other’s choices/autonomy. On the internet I might get a bit more vocal about it though. I don’t feel differently about it in person than on the internet, but I tend to think there are places for constructive argument, and places where it is not going to be constructive at all and just be argument.

The truth is also there ARE some young people who can’t imagine having kids at that point in their lives and do say they don’t want them, and may very well want them later, but that does not make it okay to tell anyone they will change their mind. I have also seen young people believe they in fact would have kids one day, and get older and realize they wanted the opposite for their lives – finding out that kids were not mandatory, that there were other things they wanted to focus their lives on, was eye opening for them. That does not mean I go around telling people who say they want kids “Just wait until you find a fulfillling career, you won’t want them then. Come talk to me in ten years, right now you’re stupid”.

 

Post # 17
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Gross, all the things she said were awful!

-My husband is hilarious and I’m 28 weeks pregnant
-NOT every woman wants children, I know many women who are in their 30s/40s and beyond, and still don’t want them
-She DOES know what she wants, and even IF this girl changes her mind later, it doesn’t make her current view “stupid,” people are very much allowed to change as they grow.

I hate presumptuous A-holes like that.

Post # 19
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Not CF, but so annoyed with people’s comments! Many asked me if our pregnancy was an accident or if we were “trying”…? People can be very rude and are vocal about what they think/believe. Or stating that how soon it happened was not wise. Patty has talked many times that she regrets not having kids, probably just pushing that on someone else. I’ve seen the show a lot, and look at it more as a comedy than for advice.

Post # 20
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

I’m 32 and don’t feel anywhere near ready to have kids yet. When i look at women with kids (especially young kids), i feel that the quality of life has decreased (though they prob don’t feel this themselves). I can’t help but associate children with poorer quality of life. My dad always said have kids as late as possible in your life because its like having your arms and legs chained in a prison … and you can never get out if it. My mum didn’t say anything (which means she secretly agrees 🙂 

Post # 22
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

huh, didn’t think I was derailing….. my point was yes, people like to comment and state their opinions across the board. sheesh.

Post # 23
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

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reptilelvr :  you haven’t derailed anything lol

Post # 24
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Well since she feels some type of way about never having kids she assumes that all CF women will one day regret the decision and she could not be further from the truth. I know plenty of women who are CF and are perfectly happy and fulfilled. I also know women who are CF who do look back and wish they had children. I also know moms who have told me that the whole parening thing isn’t what they thought it would be and they wish they could go back to their cafefree childless life. 

Yes, women in their 20s change their views on a lot of things by the time they are 30 but that gives no one the right to call them stupid or tell then they don’t know what they want. a 25 year old is still a grown ass woman whose opinions are valid. 

Post # 25
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

I agree that her statement was harsh! But to some (and not all!) it stands to be true!

At 25 and single, I did not want kids. I was certain of it. Now I am almost 29, married, and have a burning desire to have a baby! So I can see where Patti may have a point because you do change a lot throughout the years, but I agree that it was not right to but a blanket statement on it!

Post # 26
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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angelaw2g :  “I also know women who are CF who do look back and wish they had children

???

Then they are not CF. Childless, yes, but not childfree.

Post # 27
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

reptilelvr :  I read your comment that way and was surprised at OP’s response.  I think she’s just venting and probably feeling defensive and didn’t realize you were actually being supportive at the concept that people in general are very quick to make judgments on other’s reproductive choices.  I think your situation and OP and other PP’s experiences all have the same problem at the root of it:  someone else making an assumption, usually based on pride or just personal experience.  

FWIW in general–I think that we could all agree that it is always a bad idea to make generalizations (sorry–laughing too hard while I type that…oh the use of “all” and “always”).  

Many women do change their mind and want kids later (me, for example).  Many women don’t. That’s fine.  I think that we could possibly also agree that this is such a sensitive topic because of the value which not only culture but biological & evolutionary history has placed on motherhood.  

We should be sensitive to each other, but honestly, in day to day life, I actually have seen very few instances of women making these remarks to each other in person, and I’m so sad to hear that many of you have.  In my experience, it usually happens in some sort of large forum where one woman is not looking another woman in the eye.  We do need more accountability for our comments; but at the same time, we need to realize that other’s comments are not often meant as personal insults either – especially to complete strangers.  

I also feel pretty strongly that mothers still tend to get undervalued and have to put up with a lot more crap than those of us without kids (breastfeeding/grocery store judgments, Stay-At-Home Mom prejudice, anyone?!), so while I sympathize with OP and understand the desire for validation and a chance to vent, I think that a comment on air isn’t worth getting particularly worked up over (but that’s just me).  

Post # 28
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can say I did change my mind. For 10 years I swore I did not want kids. That did change when I met my SO. This does not happen for everyone. And that is perfectly fine! It’s great that you know what you want, or don’t want. 

I want one child. I grew up as an only and loved it. When I tell people this they also act like I’m comitting a crime. 

“Oh, your child will be lonley! Who will they talk to? What will they do when you’re gone? They need siblings to learn how to fuction as an adult”. 

Pretty much insulting me as a human. 

Post # 29
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I really don’t understand this prevailing belief that women must want babies, and lots of them, and at the first possible moment. I’m not planning on being child free, but my friend (with kids, naturally) acted like there was something seriously wrong with me for expressing some alarm at my fiance’s assertion that we could start trying sooner than previously discussed. Like… Why aren’t women allowed to want other things? I have travel and career goals I want to hit before I start having kids, so I’m sorry I don’t see having a baby at the first possible moment to be the ultimate accomplishment. 

Sigh. This general expectation is why I wanted to be CFBC for so many years. I want to be viewed as a whole person!

Post # 30
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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sparkles8rosegold :  I’m CFBC, and I’ve only gotten more certain as I’ve gotten older (I’m 31).

Our culture allows and even encourages everyone – men and women – to comment on the lives of every woman and her choices. So this is just another thing that people think they have the right to voice their opinion about. If you stop and think, CFBC men are almost never bothered about having children in the same way and probably wouldn’t let it bother him if he was. I try to take that mentality and it bothers me less. 

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