(Closed) "Every woman wants to have kids"

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 33
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I have heard this statement many times in my life. “Everyone says they don’t want children when they are young” “Come see me when you’re 33, and your biological clock is ticking.” ETC

In my case they were right and I’m sure many younger women do change their minds, but I’m not sure why that entitles people to make these statements. It’s nobody’s business if someone changes their mind or not and invalidating someone’s feelings and decisions is just shitty. 

Post # 34
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I find Patti Stanger fairly terrible in general and clinging to traditional ideas about gender roles. It’s ridiculous to suggest that all women want the same things out of life. I also don’t like how this “you’ll change your mind when you’re older” thing makes it sound like wanting children is a hallmark of maturity. There are plenty of incredibly immature baby-crazy people.

Post # 35
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My fiancé and I get that all the time!! First off we are young, of course we don’t want kids right now. maybe one day it’ll change but we aren’t even going to think about kids for at least another five years. I got so tired of female family members asking “so when are you two going to give your mom grandbabies?” I just started saying “well maybe one day.” Instead of a flat out never. Is it so awful that I enjoy having a kid free life? 

Post # 36
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is one of my biggest pet peeves! My fiance and I are in our early 30s and keep getting peppered with questions on when we’ll have kids and being reminded, “Don’t wait too long!” We are on the fence about whether or not to have them for personal reasons that are no one else’s business, and it is exasperating every time. There is a huge difference between couples like us (who may decide not to try for kids but wouldn’t be too upset with an accidental pregnancy) and CFBC couples: we *aren’t* saying we never want kids. As time goes on, our opinions may change in either direction, and I feel like when people like us decide to have kids or later regret not having them, people take that as proof that people change their minds as they get older. My friends in their 40s who are CFBC are some of the few who aren’t making assumptions about our intentions to have or not have kids.

Post # 37
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Patti Stanger is a troll and a half. I would not spend any energy on what she had to say. 

Post # 38
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Patti Stanger is bitter because she’s 55-years-old, never married, and never had children (something she still wants at that age???).

Post # 39
Member
1976 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
sparkles8rosegold :  I guess they think I’ll keep them in a box for their life. 

 

But no matter what, a having a child is personal choice. No one should make someone feel guility for having a child, or not having a child. I don’t think I have ever once in my life felt less of a woman because she didn’t want a child. 

Post # 40
Member
2945 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

That is so rude! It would be one thing if she were 16 or so and just sounded unsure. But to me, if a woman says “I don’t want kids” as an adult, I take it seriously. I absolutely love kids and I’ve known I’ve wanted children my whole life without a doubt. But because of that, I can also understand if someone has the same passion in life without kids. It completely archaic to just assume women want children.

And yes, I feel like women are the ones who further this idea. Men usually just accept it and women (especially mothers) act like there’s no other option but to be a mother.

Post # 42
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I find this so frustrating! I used to say I’d know if I wanted children when I was with the right person. Well, I am with the right person, and I still don’t have the urge. And it turns out he doesn’t want children anyway. I finally realized that I was scared to vocalize the thought that I don’t want children. And since I got engaged last month, people keep asking about kids. When I say it’s unlikely, they seem shocked. Which then makes me feel like I have to explain. It’s exhausting and insulting.

Post # 43
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
RayKay :  Um okay so in the absence of the CF club bylaws, is CF defined as a woman who goes her entire life never wanting children? If so if a woman decides to be CF for all her adult life and then at the age of 83 has a “what might have been” thought of motherhood, is her club card automatically revoked and she is rebranded as Childless? You come off as really rigid on the rules so I want to be clear for future posts.  

Post # 44
Member
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
angelaw2g : 

Well, to put it simply: Yes

For me (and many others who are CF) being childfree is a positive choice, not one where there are regrets or wishes to have children.  Thinking “what if” is not the same as realizing you regret not having children, either. Someone can think “what if” followed by “thank god that is not my life” or “I do not regret the choices I made in my life” and still be childfree. 

Maybe, in your example, I can concede that woman was childfree for 82 years, but if she now decides at 83 she should have had children and therefore regrets her choices, then yes, I no longer consider her childfree. The fact she does not not have children is no longer the desired result of a positive choice to not have children (childfree), but rather an undesired consequence of their previous choices or circumstances (childless). 

If someone regrets not having kids – or wants kids eventually but just not right now – but still calls themselves childfree, well, that is EXACTLY why many people get confused when someone calls themselves childfree, and exactly why there are people who tell childfree people they will change their mind, or regret it one day. I even see it on here all the time: “I am childfree for now, but we want kids eventually“. No wonder people who actually do not want kids ever face bingos and people telling them they don’t know their own mind.

But if thinking it is important to have clear terms is being “rigid about the rules”, okay. 

Post # 45
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m 48 on Sunday, and I’ve had comments like that since I was about 8…so 40 fucking years of this shit.  

Last time was on Sunday, a taxi driver was being a nosy bastard and asked if I had children.  Looked so shocked when I said I didn’t.  Then asked me how old I was…and was even more shocked when I told him.  Told me I didn’t look it, and I reply ‘that’s because I haven’t had kids’.  

Got the usual ‘but everyone wants kids/family/it’s what everyone does’…err no, nosy bastard.  It’s 2016, not every woman – or man – wants children.  I could tell he didn’t believe me when I said my Fiance didn’t want children either…

TL:DR:  People are idiots.

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