Post # 46
Hmm so technically one could be childless and not know it seeing how it is determined by a life-long positive feeling about not having children. The point I was making is that there are women who [thought they were CF] for most of their adult life but then at some point due to whatever circumstances decide that they wished they had children bt are no longer able to which it seems means they became childless in that moment. It happens, not matter what you call it and seeing how one can go from one to the other following life experiences, one does not know what their “true” lable is. It’s like if someone is vegetarian for 20 years and then decides to eat a burger, does that decision negate the previous 20?
There is no confusion, simply an understanding that people are multifacited and can change their mind on an issue even after a lifetime. Having “clear terms” won’t change that fact.
Currently without children and loving life but is open to having them in the future… or not whatever label that holds.
Post # 47
As someone who was vegetarian for almost two decades, I don’t consider the fact I eat meat now as “negating” those two decades of vegetarianism. But I also don’t now call myself a vegetarian, or tell people “I was vegetarian once too, you’ll change your mind”.
Similarly if in the very unlikely event I changed my mind about having kids next week, and could not (because I am sterile) I would no longer call myself childfree. It would not negate that I had thought myself childfree for my adult life, but I certainly would not tell people “I was childfree until I decided to have children!”.
It is not denying that people are multifaceted and may change their minds on many things in their lifetimes, but stating that if someone isn’t childfree….they should not be calling themself childfree. And no, I would not consider you childfree at this point if you are open to having children in the future, though it is possible you may make a choice to be childfree in the future.
Post # 48
Not CFBC here, but I in the “maybe one child someday” camp for years and it always drove me crazy when anyone said “Every member of [insert your gender/race/religion/ethnciity/sexual orientation/socioeconomic class] wants/feels [this], and if you disagree, you simply don’t know what you want”.
No group of humans is that homogenous, and I’m pretty sure most adult women have a fairly good idea what they want/don’t want out of life.
I find it so irritating that 30 is the arbitrary number thrown out, too. Like somehow not being in your 20s anymore changes everything about who you are as a woman.
All turning 30 changed for me was a sudden desire to revamp my wardrobe and wear matte makeup.
Post # 49
This girl I knew became aware I didn’t ever ever want kids. She looked at me like I was mad and said ‘Well you have a uterus. That’s what it’s for’.
Post # 50
Yeah, we all have appendixes too but plenty of people have them removed. That’s so asinine.
I just don’t understand why anyone would feel the need to comment on someone’s reproductive system, EVER, barring your physician when it’s the subject of the appointment.
We had a guy in our church (that we had never met before, as he was visiting with a member) ask DH and I when we he was going to “knock me up”. I pretty much had to drag DH out the door before he started a fight in church, lmao. But really, WTF was dude thinking??!
Post # 51
Hah, thank you!
We love Dear Daughter to death and can’t imagine life without her NOW, but we had so much fun by ourselves before she got here. We were definitely a family from the moment we got married (I’ve had a woman say “Don’t you want a family?” when we were struggling with TTC and she had no idea. Uh, two people can be a family anyway, lady). Now we are a family of 3 instead of 2.
Post # 52
I call this bald-faced ignorance. I used to get the “wait until you meet the right guy and then see how you feel.” Okkkkk. I’d smile and nod and just be quiet because there was no way I could argue my innermost feelings, nor would I want to. I never wanted kids. Here I am, 20 years later and I feel the same. And I do not have kids. Oddly, my close friends felt the same–we are now all in our 40s…with no kids…but plenty of bs statements made to us about kids along the way!
Post # 53
ok I think we are on the same sheet of music then.
Post # 54
OldestTree : ‘Well you have a uterus. That’s what it’s for’.
Speak for yourself. I keep spare change in mine.
Post # 55
Oh why couldn’t I have thought of saying that? All I could say in reply at the time was that ‘well I’m looking into getting mine removed’.
Post # 56
Isn’t she like 50 without kids? What’s her excuse then? Where’s her kids. I’ve heard her say along the line…when you want something bad enough you get it. I guess she doesn’t want them all that bad then or she’d have them even if she adopted.
Post # 57
When I was around 10 and said I didn’t want kids older people laughed at me and said I would change my mind when I was a grown-up.
When I was 16 and said I didn’t want kids older people said it was because I was inexperienced and didn’t know any better, but that I had pretty features and should pass them on.
When I was 18 and said I didn’t want kids people said it was because I hadn’t fully met “the one” yet, and that one day I would see.
When I was 21, and with my now-husband, and said I didn’t want kids, people said it was because I wasn’t financialy successful and couldn’t handle them yet.
When I was 25 and didn’t have kids people said it was only a matter of time. They told me I’d get tired of traveling and that a baby was a bigger accomplisment than anything I’d experienced before.
Now, at 29, people tell me not to worry…because there’s still more time. They like to remind me that I could have one baby at 31 a second at 33, and a third at 35…#perfect!!!
I’m good y’all!!
Post # 58
I’m pregnant and I find those comments rude. Telling another person that they are wrong is never okay in my book, and acting superior is a huge pet peeve of mine as a whole. I have a couple of friends that are CFBC and I give them kudos for doing what they want and not having kids because it’s what is “expected” of them. People should expect nothing of others, instead respect and embrace the differences in lifestyles, wants and needs.
Post # 59
Given that Patti is basically a rich man’s pimp and everytime I have seen her show she has insulted one of her clients (calling them fat, cheap, ugly etc) and seems to fail at setting anyone up at least 80% of the time I really don’t think she has a leg to stand on calling herself an expert at anything.
But I do think this is one thing most women, CF or not, faces in this world. Your body, sex life, marriage status and reproduction seems up for public debate. And I find other women are the worst offenders. Look how many times female guests are ripped apart for wearing a revealing dress (calling it skanky is a favourite on here) or if a bee’s partner cheats way more vitirol is thrown towards the other woman than the guy. Or the word stripper is mentioned, lookout for calling her everything from a skank to a whore.
Maybe if women started setting a better example then things might change.
Post # 60
This thread just opened my eyes to why I lost my friend to motherhood, so thank you, OP 🙂
Years ago I had a friend who suddenly became very fixated on having a baby. So she got pregnant, got married and soon after the baby was born she got pregnant again. During that time our friendship started deteriorating. I did not feel comfortable around her due to her superior attitude and condescending remarks a la “you know nothing (about life?!) until you have a baby” or “I have other priorities than answering your phone call”.
Somehow she managed to turn everything we talked about into me being lesser and her being “holy mommy”, that I always left our meetings feeling like s**t. Sure, there was also a lot of pressure to make me want to have babies although I very clearly expressed that I do not want that. Eventually an incident occured where she in all her holiness could not admit to have made a mistake and our friendship ended.
Until now, that I have read this thread I could not figure out why she acted the way she did.
I believe she thought I was envious of her marriage and motherhood and me admitting it would have made her day. I defied her concept of ultimate happiness since I was content with my situation and I was not envious of hers. I think she needed validation and I could not offer that, despite the pressure. But what do I know, I’m not a mum 😀