Everyone around me is becoming engaged, and I think I'm going CRAZY!

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

Have you had a concrete conversation about marriage and engagement?  I think sometimes when we talk in generalities it can be clear that one person’s idea of soon and the other person’s idea of soon don’t line up.  I think sometimes in our efforts to not burden our partner we can be overly vague and miss the opportunity to make our needs known.  Personally I found as long as I approached the conversation genuinely listneing to his POV and being clear about what I needed, it was successful.  But it’s hard because in my case, there was also some flexibility (which it sounds like you may not feel you have because of your fertility situation).  My fiance took longer than I did to be ready for marriage and then, financially, to save up for a ring.  I took a leap of faith to wait longer than I ideally would have wanted to because we most likely won’t have children and I felt in my heart of hearts our relationship was different than my past long term relationship that ended in a breakup.

Post # 3
Member
712 posts
Busy bee

This thread isn’t going to go down well.

I do understand how in your mind those things are concerns but trust me, those relatives of yours who ended up alcoholics or depressed did not end up that way because of a ring or rather the lack of one. They ended up that way because of choosing to stay in dead end relationships which made them miserable. To say that having no ring was the cause of their alcoholism and depression is.. well, just down right insulting to those who are happily unmarried and those who have depression and alcoholism because of genuine traumas and not because of a ring – as you put it.

Your reproductive ailments are even more or a reason to wait. If you say you may not be able to carry a child prepare for many miscarriages and other pregnancy complications. Also from severity of the conditions that you have described, I don’t think whether your are 22 or 32 is going to make pregnancy or birth one bit easier on you. And personally, I think you are too young and too immature (and your boyfriend probably is as well) to handle those kinds of issues. Even if you could handle it, that kind of stress would ruin your relationship. 

And besides your 20, I don’t care what you say, you have no clue what you are doing life. Don’t make the mistake of making life changing decisions before you fully understand the gravity of those decisions. 

ETA: also what is with all the ring references? I mean look at your username. Seriously girl, go out and buy yourself a nice ring if your so obsessed. Maybe that will relieve the impatience temporarily.

Post # 6
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

@title: SAME

 

It’s been 5 years (this December) and I’m starting to get really antsy and obsessed ._. 

 

Every time family would ask he would respond that he’s just waiting for me to finish school. Well I finished in August and now it’s all I think about. D:

Post # 7
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

It’s not your age that makes you immature, it’s the way you are coming across in your post. You don’t sound level headed at all. I’m hearing a lot of YOU YOU YOU in your post and almost nothing about your boyfriend’s real stance on the situation. His reasons for not ‘getting the ball rolling’ may be just as valid – it’s his life too. 

To add to all this, you’ve been together less than a year. I’m not surprised he isn’t ready and you can’t force him to be. I’m sorry about your possible reproductive issues, but shitty things happen in life and you have to accept them and not pressure other people to make giant life leaps before they are ready to just for your benefit. 

My advice would be to try to accept that your condition places a lot of uncertainty on your future fertility and learn to live with that uncertainty. Talk to your boyfriend properly about reasonable timelines for you both and if you can’t come to an agreement you can live with, then move on without him. 

There are no guarantees in life – not with a medical condition and not when relying on another person for happiness and fulfillment. Your apparent lack of understanding of that is what makes you seem immature  

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I dunno, it sounds like it is all about the ring as the PP mentioned.  Otherwise if you’re so concerned with being a ‘young wife’ and your fertility issues why do you need an engagement now but want marriage in three years time?

Your wording comes across as very immature, “21 in a few weeks” “practically living together” “shared finances already over the course of a few months straight“. 

You are 20, your relationship hasn’t even hit the one year mark and you haven’t lived together, no staying together for a few weeks during summer vacation doesn’t count.

My advice is chill out and stop being so concerned with the lives of others. 

 

Also, the point about your relatives “shaming and shunning” the other women in your family who do not marry young is ridiculous. Getting a ring is not an accomplishment nor does it make you a success.

Maybe get a hobby. 

Post # 9
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

The actual marriage/wedding can be taken slowly and I can take up to 3 years planning and saving , but I can’t do that WITHOUT the enagagement! See my problem?

Why can’t you just save regardless? If you don’t have a wedding 3 years from now, at least you have some savings, right??

And no offence but the way you describe your love and how much you love him gives me the vibe that you’re really immature. It seems like you’re obsessed with your SO and the idea of a wedding.

I don’t think you know what a marriage itself entails. Yes, the ring, the wedding is all exciting but what matters is if you can make a marriage work. And believe me, love does NOT conquer all.

Post # 10
Member
5433 posts
Bee Keeper

ringobsessed1996 :  

Dear OP 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and he and I have a beautiful relationship that is unlike anything I;ve  ever known…. 

says it all. Of course it’s like nothing you’ve ever known, you were basically a child  before that !  And despite your saying  you are not really ringobsessed  , it’s clear that you are . I mean, you blame ugly  cultural  practices involving shunning lonely  women on the actual piece of  jwellery or lack thereof.

I’m sorry about your probable difficulties in carrying a  pregnancy through, many of us do not get what we want in the baby stakes, and it is a hard road, no denying that. But my dear girl you can’t just make a man hurry up and marry you so you can  start having  pregnancies and miscarriages until you get a child! You clearly have no idea what that journey entails – and I will tell you now that it needs not  just  courage and risk taking ability but maturity and strength and  a loving supporting totally on-board partner.   And in the final analysis, the abilty to accept your fate.

You are too young/inexperienced/immature  for any of this. 

Post # 11
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think you’re living too far in the future instead of enjoying what you have now. Three years is a really long time to plan a wedding. You could easily get engaged in 2.5years time and still get married in three (and even that is quite soon). Five or six years is aaaages away in terms of having a baby. Literally ages. Think how long ago five years was for you. Also, you really can’t control every aspect of your life… there aren’t any gaurantees on the baby front for any of us. I really think you should chill and enjoy being 21. You really don’t need to be worrying about all of this!

Post # 12
Member
513 posts
Busy bee

I remember when I was 21, and if all my friends were doing something mature and exciting, I desperately wanted to experience it also. So that desperation you feel is youth driven FOMO. You seriously need to stop looking around and start looking inward because you’re coming off as: 

* someone who wants validation from having an engagement ring. Not concerned about the sentiment, or getting to know you’re partner first, but so you can experience being one of the first to climb that ladder. Then you can get to know him…right? Although It doesn’t sound like it even matters if it’s coming from the right person. 

*Someone who pities those without the all-powerful-social-climbing-tool (I remember it being able to get into a very trendy bar when I was 21) and that in itself is pitiful. 

*And because of the first two points, you’re finally coming across as immature and unprepared for MARRIAGE. Not wedding. MARRIAGE. The ring means squat. Not how desirable you are, how commited your relationship is, or social worth.

Enjoy being young. Live life. When you’ve experienced more and your perspectives/priorities(hopefully) have changed, the rest will come. 

JMO. 

Post # 13
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You’ve been together less than a year and you’re 21… Please relax a little.

Post # 14
Member
4378 posts
Honey bee

“I have known all my life that I was meant to be a young wife and mother.”

I get why you feel this way with your fertility issues and the culture in your family of marrying young. But OP, getting married and having a child at a young age is not something you can control, so this statement doesn’t make sense and is also dangerous. It’s not like knowing from a young age that you want to be a doctor or an artist…things you can actively pursue by yourself and that you can make happen through hard work and dedication. Being married, having a child, those things are dependent on another person (and also on biology in the case of being a mom, unless you adopt). What if it doesn’t happen to you bee? What if this guy isn’t the one, what if you can’t have children? I’m not saying this to scare you but to get you to open your eyes to the possibility that your life may not go the way you planned, and that’s okay. Some of the best things in my life happened as a result of plans I had going totally off the rails.

Regarding your depressed alcoholic unmarried cousins, the lesson you need to take from this is that you should never SETTLE. Not that you should rush into marriage  with your first real boyfriend before you’re even of legal drinking age. Now, maybe your bf really is the one, I have no idea, but the arguments you’re putting in your post for marriage are not at all convincing:

“He wakes up at night looking for me and is unable to sleep knowing that I am miles away in my own bed”

“My male best friend from high school got engaged a few months ago,”

“my bf’s cousin who is a few months younger than him got MARRIED around the same time my friend got engaged”

“my cousin who is my bf’s age got engaged a few weeks ago”

“a bunch of girls I graduated high school with 4 years ago are engaged and the number goes up every time I open my social media accounts, and a few are even married for over a year now”

Your boyfriend being unable to sleep when you’re not there may sound wildly romantic, but insomnia is hardly the basis of a strong marriage. And none of these engaged/married people you reference have anything to do with you. You need to stop comparing yourself and your relationship to other people. If you know in your gut that your boyfriend is the person you want to marry, have an adult conversation with him and ask him candidly where his head is on the subject and if he’s willing to talk about a timeline. But don’t mention other people you know that are engaged or married – they literally have nothing to do with you and it cheapens your argument to compare yourself to others.

In the meantime, work on building your self confidence. Having a man isn’t enough to make a person happy. This sounds corny as hell, but true happiness comes from within. My husband is one of the best things that ever happened to me, but some of the happiest days of my entire life were in the year before I met him, when I was single after having finally ended a crap relationship with the guy I THOUGHT I was going to marry, and feeling empowered and confident by myself. I was 29 during that period, almost a decade older than you are now! I’m sure it seems geriatric to you. 

It’s gonna be okay bee. Whatever happens with this boyfriend, it will be okay.

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