Everyone around me is becoming engaged, and I think I'm going CRAZY!

posted 1 week ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

You don’t NEED a ring or to be engaged.

You want these things out of fear. Fear of ending up like family members, fear of infertility. Fear isn’t a good reason to rush into getting married. 

You don’t even know your BF after less than a year. Not only that but I can look back at any past relationship at it’s best point and recognize I thought that one was “the one”. 99% of the time they aren’t “the one”, they just happen to be the one right that second because I didn’t know any better.

Instead of focusing on being a young wife and mother focus on overcoming these irrational fears that are driving you to make rushed decisions.

Honestly you sound desperate to have the life you envision and I don’t think it’s about your BF at all. He’s just a means to an end for you getting what you want. I’m fairly sure anyone you had been dating a few months would be a contender for you.

Post # 18
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I know that he is the one for me and I love him more than I could ever love my own life and happiness.

 

I think this is the sentence that I’m having the most concerns with, though other Bees have obviously raised other valid points. You shouldn’t value your boyfriend more than you value yourself, at ANY stage in your relationship: whether you’ve been dating 1 month or married 100 years. YOUR happiness matters, YOUR life matters, and at the end of the day, you have to be responsible for both of them. I think you’re still very much in the honeymoon stage and infatuated with each other, so perhaps focusing on yourself for awhile would help with the anxieties that you’re facing? Have a conversation about timelines if that makes you more comfortable, but if he’s “the one” he’ll still be the one two years from now.

 

 

Post # 19
Member
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

ringobsessed1996 :  If you’ve had to “endure things” and forgive and sacrifice in under a year you aren’t in a good relationship. 

Post # 22
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee

“I’m not looking for validation. I’m asking for similar experiences, wisdom, and advice.”

You’ve gotten all of this in this thread. I think you are probably feeling defensive (understandable) and didn’t really read through the posts carefully, but if you look back over them you’ll see they offer all three of these things (similar experiences, wisdom, and advice) in spades.

Post # 24
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, Bee, given the circumstances (you are very, very young and this is a new relationship), I would not even be thinking about marriage right now regardless of any medical conditions. Your account of this relationship is very dramatic and many of your reasons for marriage center around keeping up with others — two red flags in my book. Wait until you have more life experience and are in a mature, fulfilling, drama-free relationship to start thinking about marriage.

Post # 25
Member
20 posts
Newbee

I think you should enjoy your growing relationship, enjoy yourself and pay no attention to others and what they have or have been through, they are not you. If your to busy worrying about others your going to miss out on what you have. You have time and it takes about two years to really get to know some one…so take the time 😉 enjoy life with him…travel…laugh and learn…my first husband and I got engaged @ 6 mo and married at 2 years we were both 24…we didn’t live together until the month we got married and trust me when I say people change as they grow and mature. 

Post # 29
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

ringobsessed1996 :  Look. The Bee is notorious for giving young bees tough love. If you read over ANY other posts from young bees, you’ll see a pattern.

So DEFINITELY read each post and take every word to heart, but also DEFINITELY do not get defensive or take any of it personally.

Obviously, none of us know you or the relationship, and are going off the incredibly narrow vantage of your short post. 

For the comments that you KNOW don’t apply to you, just read and move on – no need to defend yourself! 

Take this site for what it IS, don’t get upset over its limitations.

I for one am not going to toss stones your way.

You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders and know what you want. There is zero harm in a woman knowing what she wants and setting goals for herself. Even if she is in her early 20’s. Some of us get there before others. I got there very late, and I wish I’d had your poise and determination in my early 20’s.

I prefer to give “ring/wedding/baby-obsessed” posters the benefit of the doubt and believe there’s a solid foundation of love, respect, and trust they’re operating on. 

Extending that same benefit of the doubt to you, I will say this:

– Anxiety, especially in planners – which I can tell you are – mainly comes about by feeling like you can’t control things. I ran into this with FI. I like to be in control of my life, I enjoy envisioning my future and planning it out. When I was faced, at 8 months in, with the realization I wanted to marry FI and I had NO idea if/when he wanted to, I got incredibly anxious. I suddenly had to rely on someone else to “come through” for the future I was envisioning to become a reality. That was a very unsettling feeling.

– The important thing to realize at this point is that you ONLY have control over yourself and your own decisions, not your SO. You can sit down and decide what YOU want, and how long YOU feel comfortable waiting for each step, and you can calmly communicate these things you’ve decided on for YOURSELF to your SO. But you can NOT pressure and nag him. He is his own person. He will have his own feelings on the matter, and his own timelines, which may not mesh with yours.

– Relatively speaking, you two are young. And you’ve been together relatively little time. You need to decide if you think it’s worth changing the dynamic of the relationship so early in in order to get your peace of mind from the conversation. If you think it is, move forward calmly and confidently stating your wishes and asking for his take on the matter. If you don’t, start a private journal and write in it daily to get your “planning” needs out without burdening your SO with your anxiety. 

– All in all, I will not condescend to a young woman who seems to know what she wants. I won’t patronize you. I will advise that you think long and hard about your SO and make SURE that you want a future with him because of HIM, and not because of your fear-based thinking regarding future children. I personally BADLY want children. And I, even at the ripe “mature” age of 29, allowed this to cloud my judgement and push for engagment in a past relationship that was NOT marriage material. If this can happen to older, more experienced, mature women, I have no doubts that it happens to younger women, and a lot more often. I tested myself with FI when I realized I wanted to marry him. I thought “If it turns out he NEVER wants to have children, and I would have to give that up forever, would I still want to marry him?” The answer, I was surprised to realize, was yes. Come up with some sort of similar test for your SO, if you haven’t done so already.

– Also, this is a bit off-topic, but you seem to have a lot of fear around your ability to concieve in the future. Your physical problems aside, reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility really helped to give me a greater understanding of my reproductive system, and the greater knowledge brought a greater sense of control. I know you will face hurdles above and beyond what the average woman faces, but it may help you feel more in control, as well. 

Post # 30
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know it’s hard. You’re an adult and you want to start your adult life.  You at least want to start PLANNING your life.  I get it. We ALL get it.  It’s so exciting and all consuming, but please take these responses to heart because they are coming from a good place with people who have been there and wish they had gotten this advice.

Look back at the self you were at 15 years old.  You’ve changed a lot since then. You WILL change a lot more.  Your brain isn’t fully mature until you’re 24 years old, especially the decision making part of your brain, this scientific fact should be a wake up call.  At 43 years old I don’t know one woman who was married under the age of 25 who is either divorced or wish they had waited. But the Bees still get it, because we’ve been there.

Here are some things that can help.  When someone is trying to have a baby it seems like everyone is having a baby when in reality they aren’t.  Know this is because of what you’re focusing on, everyone around you is not married.

Getting married won’t start your adult life.  It actually in some way stunts it. Fill up your life with school, career, hobbies, etc.  please please please live by yourself for at least a year before getting married.  It’ll be the best year of your life where you truly find yourself.

Do a poll on the Bee.  Ask everyone if they would have been happy marrying the man they were dating at 20-21 years old.  Create a different account, include whatever story or not, just to see what the majority will say. Do it on a different site.  Whatever.  If you’re as mature as you say you are then cold hard facts should mean something.  Listen to what these women say, no one is here to hurt you.

 

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