ringobsessed1996 : Look. The Bee is notorious for giving young bees tough love. If you read over ANY other posts from young bees, you’ll see a pattern.
So DEFINITELY read each post and take every word to heart, but also DEFINITELY do not get defensive or take any of it personally.
Obviously, none of us know you or the relationship, and are going off the incredibly narrow vantage of your short post.
For the comments that you KNOW don’t apply to you, just read and move on – no need to defend yourself!
Take this site for what it IS, don’t get upset over its limitations.
I for one am not going to toss stones your way.
You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders and know what you want. There is zero harm in a woman knowing what she wants and setting goals for herself. Even if she is in her early 20’s. Some of us get there before others. I got there very late, and I wish I’d had your poise and determination in my early 20’s.
I prefer to give “ring/wedding/baby-obsessed” posters the benefit of the doubt and believe there’s a solid foundation of love, respect, and trust they’re operating on.
Extending that same benefit of the doubt to you, I will say this:
– Anxiety, especially in planners – which I can tell you are – mainly comes about by feeling like you can’t control things. I ran into this with Fiance. I like to be in control of my life, I enjoy envisioning my future and planning it out. When I was faced, at 8 months in, with the realization I wanted to marry Fiance and I had NO idea if/when he wanted to, I got incredibly anxious. I suddenly had to rely on someone else to “come through” for the future I was envisioning to become a reality. That was a very unsettling feeling.
– The important thing to realize at this point is that you ONLY have control over yourself and your own decisions, not your SO. You can sit down and decide what YOU want, and how long YOU feel comfortable waiting for each step, and you can calmly communicate these things you’ve decided on for YOURSELF to your SO. But you can NOT pressure and nag him. He is his own person. He will have his own feelings on the matter, and his own timelines, which may not mesh with yours.
– Relatively speaking, you two are young. And you’ve been together relatively little time. You need to decide if you think it’s worth changing the dynamic of the relationship so early in in order to get your peace of mind from the conversation. If you think it is, move forward calmly and confidently stating your wishes and asking for his take on the matter. If you don’t, start a private journal and write in it daily to get your “planning” needs out without burdening your SO with your anxiety.
– All in all, I will not condescend to a young woman who seems to know what she wants. I won’t patronize you. I will advise that you think long and hard about your SO and make SURE that you want a future with him because of HIM, and not because of your fear-based thinking regarding future children. I personally BADLY want children. And I, even at the ripe “mature” age of 29, allowed this to cloud my judgement and push for engagment in a past relationship that was NOT marriage material. If this can happen to older, more experienced, mature women, I have no doubts that it happens to younger women, and a lot more often. I tested myself with Fiance when I realized I wanted to marry him. I thought “If it turns out he NEVER wants to have children, and I would have to give that up forever, would I still want to marry him?” The answer, I was surprised to realize, was yes. Come up with some sort of similar test for your SO, if you haven’t done so already.
– Also, this is a bit off-topic, but you seem to have a lot of fear around your ability to concieve in the future. Your physical problems aside, reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility really helped to give me a greater understanding of my reproductive system, and the greater knowledge brought a greater sense of control. I know you will face hurdles above and beyond what the average woman faces, but it may help you feel more in control, as well.