(Closed) everyone in my family is miserable

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t know what to say other than I am SO sorry you are going through this. I too have some very weird family dynamics….. most of the time I just let itself play through and things end up winding down and go back to normal after a little while.

After the wedding crazies are over hopefully everyone can relax and be friends again! 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s your mom, so make sure that you’re the one handling conflicts with her, not Fiance. My parents would be miffed if there was a wedding dispute and I wasn’t the one discussing it with them. I’d apologize for not talking to her directly and explain that Fiance is the one who is more interested in the cake, nothing more.

Is there any way to have 3 cake flavors? If she’s paying for the wedding, she definitely gets a say in nearly every aspect of it.

Post # 5
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yeah I second Sweetart, that’s a tough place to be. There is a LOT of transferrance/projection going on there and I think you’re right that your mother’s upbringing has much to do with it and how she deals with disappointment. So!

First? DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP breath. You should not be crying over cake. Ever.

Second, acknowledge she probably will not change. Have a serious SERIOUS talk with your fiance about how you want to handle the cake between the two of you. If you want your cake your way, reserve the cake bakery yourself with deposit before you go see your folks. Be prepared for fireworks but stand your ground. Now is the time that you and your fiance present a united, mature and stalwart front. She may not take you seriously, ever, but you guys will be tighter for it when you decide together what you want to stand up for. 

Third, if your dad has any means of influence, ask him beforehand for help in putting down the hammer (gently). Say that you understand the money going into this shindig but that the cake is important and you would both like to pay for it.

If he’s just riding the raging sea that is your mother, skip step three.

Last, you may just end up with two cakes. What about doing the grooms cake your way if all else fails?

(FYI: I’ve always been a little subversive so take this advice for what it’s worth).

Post # 6
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Hashing it out over a cake flavor? That is honestly one of the LEAST important details of any wedding, but I suppose if he wants to dig in his heels and fight for it and over it, it will probably not go well. Are you sure this is something you want to get into so close to your wedding? Are you sure your Mom only picked such a simple cake flavor because it would appeal to more people instead of her having to be in control?

Wedding planning is not easy for anyone, but, you accepted the help and it seems you must live with the conditions. Don’t ruin your relationship with your Mom over something so silly. Its a CAKE!

Post # 7
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I think your cake sounds delicious and the cake your mom picked is bland. I’d stick to your guns b/c if you let this go it won’t only be your regret but your Fiance would be mad too. Gently remind your mother that you are very greatful for the gift of the wedding but that this is your wedding and you only get one and you and Fiance would like to get what you want. If she says no, I’d buy my own damn cake.

Post # 8
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

A wedding is the culmination of what you and your Fiance like. A wedding is suppose to be based on your idea and not that of someone else. I get that your mother is paying for the wedding, and now your rethinking that but your mother should understand that this is a tribute to you as a couple and has nothing to do with her whatsoever.

I dont understand people who want to help the couple and then insert themselves into it and make it all about them. You have been backing down all your life and letting her exert her control. She has been your friend and now she wants to take over.

You have conditioned her with your responses by being passive and not making a stand. You have to stand firm with your Fiance. This cake I would suggest is just a smaller issue on the control. I would make my preferences known. Also I would call the different vendors after she has given her preference and suggest to them that you need to make changes.

I would stand my ground on every issue. Of course get her creative help but be firm in your resolve. Sounds like a child throwing a fit when she doesnt get her way. Well sometimes you have to treat people like children to make them understand.

Post # 9
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree that it’s not about the cake it’s about mom having her way. That said I thought you choose three layers and three flavors??? There must be a compromise somewhere. Otherwise I hate to say this (big gulp) but I would give it up and let her have her way, this just isn’t worth the stress and the family battle. I understand about setting a future precedent BUT not at the risk of ruining the wedding for you and your Fi. Best of luck to you both 🙂

Post # 10
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

1) Tell her she wins. She’s paying for it and she’s making everyone else miserable by arguing over minor details of YOUR wedding, so, congratulations. She gets to call the shots. You want no further input. She wants control? Fine. Enjoy it.

2) Have as much cake of any flavor as you want for the rest of your lives.

3) Seriously reevaluate your relationship with your mother, with the help of a professional, after the wedding. Draw firm boundaries. Do not let this dynamic poison the rest of your life. Refuse all future monetary gifts. Make it clear that you have learned your lesson. Shield your future children. Most importantly, always take your husband’s side.

At the end of the day, and as someone who has been through it: honestly, it’s just a wedding. Your marriage and your happiness and your sanity are what really matter in this thing.

Post # 11
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this and so close to your wedding date! We are quite close to our wedding date as well, so I can only imagine your mindset and stress level at this point.

I understand what it’s like from both perspectives and like PP said, your mother will not change, especially considering her conduct up until now. Even had you had clear boundaries for what’s “hers” and what’s “yours”, she would have crossed it anyway. That’s how it is. I am passive aggressive and I come from a long line of passive aggressive ladies. She’ll cool down over time about this issue, but the wedding may be over by then. Like PP said, always remember to take your FI’s side, always.

With this in mind, is there any way we can incorporate both cakes into the mix? Maybe her flavor can be the main wedding cake and then your flavor can be the groom’s cake? I doubt she will want to mix flavors for the wedding cake, given her controlling tendency, so this is the best compromise I could think of. Your guests will also have the choice of cake which might be nice as some people like plain cake and your flavor has chocolate, which some are allergic to or dislike.

Either way, I’m sorry you have to go through this and that this should be a wonderful experience.

Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry you are going through this – sounds a bit like my mom only much worse!  My parents are paying for our wedding and it definitely at times becomes a battle with my mom over choices because “she” is paying for it (actually my dad is because she hasn’t worked a day in her life) but regardless – we have (like you) decided to pay for some of the more important things so she cannot have a say in it nor hold our decisions that conflict with hers over our head.  

 

I don’t have any advice to really give you since I don’t think your mom will change (I only say this because she sounds like mine and I have given up hope that my mom will change) – no matter how many times I calmly try to talk to her it just doesn’t sink in – she just gets offended and blows up.  I say just try to enjoy the rest of the process and your big day as best you can – also try and keep fiance out of it if possible – wedding planning has brought out the worst in my mom and I hate my fiances view of my mother is changing because of it so I try and keep him out of these types of situations when possible.  She really is a good, kind person that means well at heart.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The primary way she expresses this is by showering me and my sister in generous gifts and help, then becoming furious and saying we’re ungrateful if we disagree with her down the line, even about something minor.

It sounds like your mother “buys”  control over people. Unfortunately, it’s probably too late to change this dynamic between you. And anyone who loses two days of sleep over being angry about a cake has some issues.

It’s a shame that your wedding has turned into your mother’s vision and not your own.  Is it too late to elope?

Post # 14
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

OY… These kinds of posts (as well as a good friend of mine who is getting married and has a crazy mom) are what make me so appreciative of who my mother is. These are my thoughts on this… as PPs said, you cannot and wll not change her. She will continue to butt in and try to control situations such as this for the rest of your life, imagine when you have children! i would seriously re evaluate accepting anything from her in the future, and try to draw some boundaries.

Also, it’s weird to me that you have to have a family dinner to “hash out” cake! By now, I would have called my mom and just said you  know, we’re sorry, we are truly greatful for all you have done and are doing for this wedding. This was the first thing that Fiance was really interested in details wise so we really want to have the cake flavor we chose (by the way my mouth watered when I read that!). Can we compromise, and have multiple flavor layers? We apologize if we were offensive. Just apologize, compromise and be done with it. When you look back at this you will be totally PO’d that you guys got in such a fight about cake, something you WILL NOT care about a few months from now. Just nip this issue and move past it. It sounds like even if you do go pay for the cake yourselves, that would also piss her off, do you really want your cake flavor THAT bad? if she won’t share, let her have her way and then order a separate cutting cake for you guys.

Lastly, never have your Fiance deal with your mom again about anything money, or family related. As you should never have to deal with his about HIS family. I don’t blame her for being mad that he (in her eyes) took it upon himself to email her and tell her no. I really hope you guys are able to move past this and ALL realize that this stuff does not matter. 

Post # 15
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@MidwestBride2012:  +1…. 

Truth be told most people do prefer plain cake, it wouldn’t have been my first choice but I still selected a white cake for the largest of our tiers since that would please the most guests.  I had exactly 1 bite of cake on my wedding day, but the top tier that is in the freezer is red velvet and I can’t wait to enjoy that in 5 months 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@anonybride712:  Please don’t let your mother emotionally manipulate you!! Tell her that is the cake you want and call her out of how she has taken over YOUR wedding and how you dod not like it. Be prepared when she tries to turn it back on you. I know you love your mother but this is not fair to you

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