(Closed) Everything has been fine, then BAM! something else happens

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I read it!  You’re right – sometimes it is nice to just get it all out there.

I think you two will be good.  Not every relationship is perfect and every person is a little bit different, so there are bound to be some challenges.  Yes, things get frustrating and overwhelming sometimes, but I think it is great that you talked and are on the same page again.  Hopefully, you realize that these little speed bumps along the way will make you closer and make your relationship stronger.  It sounds like he wants to propose, but that the situation with getting a new job and wanting to move out have sort of gotten in the way.  And that’s ok!  Life happens.  The important thing is that you love each other and are moving closer towards an engagement and a future together.  I hope you feel better about everything soon – you are definitely on the right track!

Best of luck to you πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I think you guys need to have a chat about his behavior–even if he’s stressed, getting angry with you over things you can’t control, storming off, and sulking is not healthy. =/ (I did read the whole thing and found it a bit troublesome.) Couples counseling might also be a good idea (I recommend that to a lot of people, whether they’re having trouble or not–it helps you get on the same page and find healthy, constructive ways of dealing with conflict). GL.

Post # 7
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think you guys will be OK too….I will admit I thought for a second that he was acting a bit like a big ‘ol baby during that incident.

But what I will say is that during times of stress and ambiguity it’s easy to fall into unhealthy behavior (the storming off/sulking, etc). I read a Psychology Today article about “attachment theory”, it made a good point that most fights are just disguised pleas for connection and affection. For example: instead of going for connection/closeness right off the bat, people fight and that is how they connect. Instead of admitting you need attention/need the person, we’re all taught to be so independent that at times it’s hard to admit that you DO need someone else. And ask for that attention/affection in a healthy way.  

It made me notice that there is a tendency (not just in me, but in most people) to need something, neglect to ask for it, then get mad when the need isn’t met. No one is a mind reader.  I’ve started trying to say “I miss you” when that is what is going on. Instead of getting mad when we’re busy, and then making up in my head that he’s “too busy” for me and neglecting the relationship. The bickering about jealousy, etc, could just be about you two needing more intimacy and connection. It makes you more vulnerable to say “I miss you” or “I want a hug” instead of “you didn’t do this right”, but it’s worth the risk.

Post # 9
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@yellowlinedpage: glad that was helpful! Also, the grass is always greener…my guy lives nearby and it STILL KILLS ME sometimes that we’re not living together. The back-and-forth drives me nuts. And we’re in the same neighborhood. So probably even less incentive to make a change…

Also, some unsolicited advice about him “being a baby”…if you do want to talk about it, please do it casually and simply and take responsibility that you do it too. “I don’t like when either of us runs away from each other or sulks”, or “I felt confused becuase that seems so unlike you/us, we’re usually so solid and drama-free”or something to that effect. So he doesn’t feel scolded or punished, or like he’s being told what to do.  Equally important, if he does that type of behavior in the future, don’t respond to it in a reactive way.  Meaning, don’t let it bother you, and turn into a big emotional drama and fight. Just put your attention on something (anything) else, until his mood passes. Then you can address is later when you’re both in a different state.

I learned in training puppies (I apologize for comparing men with dogs but this analogy just jumped right at me…)that you don’t have to punish them, you can simply refrain from rewarding the behavior. Ignore it. Take away your attention. Ask for a different behavior and then reward them for that πŸ™‚  The same principle works with children, or so I hear.

 

Post # 11
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Thanks hon! Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Everyone goes through moments of stress and drama in their relationships… it is just natural! Sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down.

That said, I think you guys just need to be honest with how you are feeling with each other at all times. And I don’t think it is fair that you have to give up an activity you love just because your boyfriend is jealous that someone is flirting with you! There will always be guys that flirt in many aspects of our lives. Can your boyfriend join in on the activity as well? Just don’t give up on the things that make you happy.

Have you ever asked him exactly when you will be getting engaged? Is it soon? It sounds as if you both need the comfort right now of knowing that you two are definately going to be together forever, and even though he is jealous of the other guy flirting, if he is comfortable with your relationship it won’t bother him as much. I often tell my guy “You know if you asked me to marry you I would totally say yes!” (We have an inside joke on all the dorky ways he could propose)

Good luck and I hope you two get back to your normal selves straight away!

Post # 14
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think you both will be fine. Seems like you were going through a rough patch but the good news is seems like you’re mastering the art of communication.Like every couple this takes a while to get.

Post # 15
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Firstly, as far as the e-ring goes—CZ. I would seriously think about CZ. I have a one carat CZ and no one can tell the difference. My jeweler was the one who suggested it and even emphasized that ‘lots’ of people do it (“You’d be surprised”). Later in life you can upgrade to a real diamond if you want. I’m 40, but we want to buy a house and have a child soon (and still pay off student loans and save for retirement), so it just made sense to get a CZ.

 Secondly, I think you need to be careful when you say things like, “We are fine when it’s just us”. Although external situations can be the direct cause of problems, I find that once that specific problem goes away, another one crops up. Please take a look at how you SO *handles* himself when those (or any) problem arises. It will be how he handles problems  in the future.

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