(Closed) Everything is falling apart. I need help… (Long, sorry)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry hun… you’re going through a rough time, and it sounds like you really need to weigh what is important to you right now – between the other guy and the doubts you’re having… I would say it may be a good idea to postpone the wedding. Some counselors offer services on a sliding scale based on income. You mention you’re a student – are there counseling services through your school or on campus? Hang in there…

Post # 4
46611 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I never read your other thread, but the mere fact that you were interested in another man  “who swept you off your feet” tells me that you do not have a satisfying relationship.

Too often women still think the man they fall in love with, can change. Your Fiance will not change. He will always go to work, camp out on the sofa and go to bed.

If this is  the life you want-fine. Accept it and your Fiance. If nor, cut your losses and move on.


Post # 5
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Maybe taking a break right now might be the best for both of you.  Maybe he will change, but that won’t happen unless he sees that you are serious about his actions, or lack there of.  You deserve a man who has the same type of goals that you have, and will work together with you to achieve them

Post # 6
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Good thing that you separated your two stories. Sort out your present relationship and then, figure out what you do about new feelings.

One thing is for sure: he is not going to change with time unless he wants to change. And if he only tries to change for you, it will not last.

I stepped away from a similar relationship of 6 years, only to find my Darling Husband shortly after (I had met him while still with the ex, separated the two stories and when I was free, we started dating).

So, I guess I’m probably no good advice on how to make it work with your Fiance.  But, I will be a good advice on not settling for someone who does not suit you as he is now. Because that’s who he is and if it’s not what you want, you won’t be happy and neither will he.

Post # 7
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the PP that you may need to postpone the wedding and take a break. It may be the eye opener that he needs so he can see just how serious you are at needing these changes.

However, from experience, I can say that if a man sees nothing wrong with how they are living their life they will not change it. No matter how often you explain to him what you see needs to be done. I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years where all he did was play WOW or his XBOX , sleep and go to work. We had two children at home that he had NO interaction with. He had no priorities at all and didn’t care to. He was happy being taken care of even if it meant dealing with me “nagging” for him to change every so often. Now obviosuly your situation doesn’t sound as bad as mine was but a man will only do what he thinks needs to be done.

Post # 8
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t mean this to sound mean, but I think if you are basing your future relationship happiness and success on someone dramatically changing – you are bound to find yourself unhappy.

If he hasn’t changed in 6 years – this is who he is.

I couldn’t deal with someone who wasn’t ambitious, so I feel your pain. When he says things like “someday we’ll have money”, so you ask him right then how he expects that to happen? What does he say?

Post # 9
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You can go to the altar but you cannot alter someone.  You really need to like/love the person exactly how they are, or don’t do it.

Post # 10
178 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with the above ladies.  If he hasn’t changed in all the time you have known him, what is going to make him suddenly change now?

Post # 11
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

A person’s motivation to have a rich, fulfilling life is numero uno for me. Anyone I dated had to have goals, and be actively working towards them in a manner that was obvious and progressing forward. This would be a deal breaker for me!

I think you need to find someone who meets your needs better. You are obviously not satisfied. Do you want the next 50 years to be him coming home and couching, unmotivated, only to have him blow you off every time you suggest a way for him to better his (and thus, YOUR) situation?

Post # 12
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You did really good putting aside your feelings for the other guy and focusing on the issues with your Fiance. If you’re in school F/T, your school should definitely have resources for you. Most schools offer counselling to students either for free or on a sliding fee scale. Even if there is no affordable couple’s counselling available, I urge you to go by yourself to get help sorting through this confusion.

Believe me when I say I can relate. Like @egb:, I also walked away from a similar relationship. It was a really hard decision at the time, but I have no regrets at all.

The problem with my ex was that as smart as he was, and as much potential as he had, he had no ambition whatsoever. He also had no concept of long term life planning. That ended up being a recipe for disaster. When we first started dating, I was 19 and still an undergrad. It didn’t matter then that he had no money. I didn’t care that he made peanuts and lived with two roommates. We would talk about the future in vague “someday” terms, but it all seemed so far away then.

But as the years went by and I was steadily checking goals off my list, those “someday” goals started looming nearer. I took a harder look at my relationship and what I saw really scared me. My ex, who was 5 years older and by all means should have had a good head start on me, had not moved forward at all in the years I had known him. He was still working the same crummy job for the same crummy wages and still living with his slobby loser roommates.

He whined endlessly about how his job was beneath him, but he had a billion excuses to not look for a better one. He whined about his roommates but didn’t have money to get his own place. Well, he never had money for anything, but had no desire to take a part time job to supplement his income. I encouraged him to start taking night classes to improve his qualifications, but that was just plain not happening. Despite the fact that I was in school part time and working two jobs myself, I paid almost every time we went out and bought him whatever he needed. I began to resent him. I can sense the resentment in your post. I can tell you that it only gets worse from there.

When I tried to picture my future with him, it wasn’t pretty. If he wasn’t pulling his own weight now, what would it be like when we had a mortgage and kids? I saw all of my efforts to make a good life for us being cancelled out by his laziness and entitlement. I tried to explain my fears to him, but he must’ve thought I was bluffing. I tried to explain it to him using logic, like “You know how you want to travel? You want to drive a nice car? Have a nice house? Be able to put our kids through college? All of that costs MONEY. It’s not going to fall out of the sky!” It still didn’t click for him. Nothing changed, and why would it? He was getting a great deal! For him, it kind of was like money was falling from the sky! From me!

I got accepted into law school, and that was it for me. I knew the road ahead would be hard enough without him holding me back, and it was obvious that we did not want the same things out of life. Or to be precise, he wanted the same things out of life, but did not want to help me work for them. So I cut him loose. He was devastated. He called me over and over again, sobbing and begging me to take him back. It hurt, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. It was like I was finally seeing things clearly.

I met Fiance at university and the difference was almost blinding. Fiance is both extremely smart and motivated. Instead of expecting things to be handed to him like my ex did, Fiance goes out there and acheives them for himself. Suddenly, planning for the future became a fun and optimistic thing instead of being filled with worry and dread. In terms of our timeline for life goals, we are right on track. Whereas my ex is STILL working his crummy job, and still living at the same rundown place with the same loser roommates. Nothing has changed, and that makes me sad for him, but relieved that I got out of that relationship when I did.

So long story short, I laid out all my cards to my ex and he still didn’t get it. I still don’t think he gets it now. I don’t know if he ever will. I don’t know if your Fiance will get it either, but you can only wait so long for him to catch up. It’s been six years! If things feel right with this other guy, take that leap of faith.

Post # 13
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Aside from the guy who swept you off your feet, you sounded like me with my college boyfriend of 3 years. He was completely unmotivated, and I kept thinking that he was going to change. I waited 3 years for him to change, and then decided that he wasn’t going to be any different after we were married. Marriage doesn’t change people and how their habits are now.

You definitely need to step back and at least postpone the wedding and re-evaluate your relationship. Is he really what you’re looking for in a husband? Someone who goes to work, comes home and sits in front of the TV is not my idea of a good husband. You have to decide if that is your idea of a good husband.

Post # 14
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Wow. Please do yourself and this guy a favor and break up with him, and try things on your own for a little while. You sound really really not ready to get married, and say “For richer, or for poorer”. I mean, to say you are now focused on your relationship, if only your fiance will … means you don’t love him for him and what he offers you, you love him for the IDEA of what you could have with someone (house, white picket fence, etc.) Also, you’re still actively pursuing other relationships (he ended things with you because you’re in a relationship, you didn’t end things with him) says you really are NOT in a place to get married to anyone. Good luck though. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who needs to figure some stuff out.

Post # 15
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@lola2011: Um… “for richer or for poorer” only counts when both you and your partner are trying your best to get through hard times together.

It does NOT mean that your partner gets to be a lazy couch potato while you do all the heavy lifting. That’s not the point of those vows. Being an ambitious, successful woman who wants a partner who is her equal is not a bad thing, imo.

Post # 16
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is what ended things with my ex and I. He was perfectly fine to date. But I realized that in the 4 years I knew him he kept bouncing from job to job and always had a new great idea on how to make money. I ended things when he went into a business I specifically voiced concerns about and then asked to borrow money from me to help fund it. I knew I couldn’t handle not knowing if he would be employed and for how long.

As for your situation it’s been 6 years, I doubt he will change. If you know that his lack of motivation drives you crazy right now then it will only make you more frustrated in the future as you’re trying to accomplish the things you want.

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