- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2018
I’m sure you don’t get too many male members on here, but I’ve been linked to various posts from the past that resemble my SO and I’s issues. My friends and family tend to side with me, her friends and family tend to side with her. I’ve therefore created my account to ask for help from strangers, specifically female strangers who may know how my SO is feeling, because I feel like there’re things I just don’t understand.
Our story is a long one, a major high reduced to a major low. We’re long distance, and have been ever since we met online over four years ago. We’re both in our mid-twenties. Everything was wonderful. I felt so wanted, needed and loved. I felt a duty to give her my absolute all. I spoilt her. She was and still is my first long term partner; I’ve had a lot to learn and still have a lot to learn. We met after six months in my home country, then hers four months later. Four months after that, I flew nine hours to suprise her for her birthday. The following year for her next birthday I took her on a cruise. I bought her a lot of new Ikea furniture and built it up because her room was falling apart. I bought her a new iPhone, better than my own phone, because hers was slow and needed repairs like a smashed screen. She never spent a whole lot on me, but I’ve always been fine with it because she’s never made a lot of money. I love a trier more than anything, and the few things she has gifted me I have cherished. My most prize possession is a yarn blanket she crocheted for me. It’s not perfect and the edges and sides are wonky, but I absolutely do not care. I love it and I’m always using it when I’m cold or feeling alone. She put so much passion into making it and I really appreciate it.
The problems began a year later. A few days after her birthday, I proposed. For months I had searched for a ring that I thought was different and beautiful. I found one and I showed everyone. Everyone thought it was beautiful. Three sapphires on a white gold band, complete with seventy-one small diamonds. It costs a little less than a month’s salary. I held it close to me at all times. I had planned with her mom to get musicians on the beach. For reasons that don’t matter, that didn’t happen. I was so upset, but I so wanted to asked. Driving back from the beach, the sun had already set and so was dark. I began to cry. She asked me to pull over or go back, completely oblivious to the situation. God I wish I drove back. I didn’t; I pulled over where I could, not even noticing where I was. I proposed in the car. I did not kneel, but I asked genuinely. She said yes, but I could tell she wasn’t overly estatic to say the least. Apparently I did it in an abandoned parking lot close to a McDonalds. For a while she told me she had argued with an ex in the same place. Only recently I learned she was up to ‘other things’ with her ex way back when, in the same place; she obviously hates him now, looking back on it, and unfortunately its the only thing she can think of when she thinks about the proposal. I felt sick after hearing that.
The next few days were awkward, to say the least. I was excited to tell everyone, but my SO wasn’t. We began telling friends and family anyway. I was embarassed at how I did it though, so I made up a lie that we both went along with, that I did it on the beach. Big mistake by me, the second big mistake I made. Upon her telling her family and friends, she had issues with the “how did he propose” question too. She didn’t want to tell anyone, which I understood. She was very blunt with the fact she hated the ring though; saying it doesn’t look like an engagement ring and sometimes just asks me “what were you thinking when you got this?” Well to tell you the truth, I’m a guy, we don’t tend to think about these things very thoroughly, and I thought she loved me so much that even if I did screw up, she wouldn’t mind too much. I thought, however, this would be short term. We had a future to look forward too, a future we both spoke about so frequently.
I continued to give my SO as much as I could, which is really difficult when long distance. I wanted to help her get her life on track first and foremost. We were in no position to begin a process. She wanted to go to college, but she needed a car to get around. I gave her a couple of grand as a downpayment so she could go out and buy a used, but not old, car on finance. I paid off her licence plate. I paid and still frequently pay her insurance and finance bills. Needless to say the car wasn’t the best deal and I refrained from having my input on it as it was her car that she wanted. She got herself a little job to help herself pay her other bills and feed herself. My SO continued to bring up the proposal as she was still upset about it. By this point, I was telling my SO it wasn’t the end of the world and that the relationship was a lot more important than a messy proposal, which wasn’t the perfect proposal she wanted, but never told me about. My SO then began stating that she should have said no, she felt pressured to say yes (even though no-one was there) and she apparently told me weeks before the proposal that she wasn’t ready for it (which if that were true, wouldn’t she have said no?) She then brought about the idea of a redo; an entirely new proposal and ring. She wanted to sell the ring I got her, because of the ‘pain’ it causes her. She often refered to it as a ‘curse’.#
Still believing I could make things better in other ways, I took her on vacation to Turkey, a place that always held a place in my heart. We both enjoyed it, but I still felt a massive awkwardness from her. She was no longer the same person I fell in love with. We argued far too many times about petty things and she brought the proposal up more than once.
Around the same time we were discussing marriage, as a way to close the distance. We both always wanted a wedding ceremony and event, but we both new a compromise must be made to bring us close together. I had already tried gaining work sponsorships, but were deemed too expensive by various employers. I wanted a bit more time, but my SO insisted it should be around her birthday, so we agreed to a court wedding a few months later. She had seen a lawyer who had outlined what we had to do.
When the time came, we went out and bought some smart clothes. We had a court wedding, only consiting of the officiant, my SO and I. We then went and ate together at an expensive restaurant. My SO didn’t want to celebrate with anyone. She did want a photography shoot though, so we did one the next week at a nice location. This was September just passed.
It is now January and things are far worse. After the marriage, she still wanted to only be refered to as boyfriend and girlfriend, as it wasn’t the wedding she wanted. I was more logical at first and referred to her as my wife, but now I go along with the boyfriend/girlfriend as to not upset her, even though I have heard her friends refer to her as my wife, and I her husband. In my opinion, things have been blown out of propotion. A year and a half later and she is crying herself to sleep about not getting a perfect proposal. If I am to redo, she wants it “ASAP”, and must be done because “I feel like she deserves a better proposal”, and not because she told me to or I feel I have to. She often backtracks the idea of a redo altogether, saying it will never work. She is currently unemployed, but making money doing family favours and whatnot. I am still paying most of her bills and sometimes giving her money to eat or go out with friends. Yes she is my gf/wife, and I do bear some responsibility, but I’m struggling to keep up with paying off my credit card and saving any kind of money. I have pleed her to get a job but she only applies for jobs that really appeal to her even though she is entry level. She doesn’t like to talk about money or getting any job. What’s more with the whole proposal and wedding not being great, I am now under constant insult and scrutiny from her. I have had outbursts, my work performance has collapsed and I am battling depression caused by various things, but factored by the failing relationship. To try and illeviate the insult, I often defend myself with listing things I have done for her, because she acts as though nothing else I’ve ever done has mattered or does matter. I tell her I don’t have to pay her bills and buy her things, but I do. She says she doesn’t care about money and me paying bills, she says I’m no longer romantic and I don’t surprise her with anything.
My mental health is so bad, this Christmas I bought her a pandora charm as a surprise, along with all the other things she wanted for Christmas. It turned out I already bought her the very charm in September when I was physically there shopping with her. I have no recollection of this because my mind is kerfuffled. She says this is just the “cherry on top” of all the mistakes I’ve made.
My SO has resorted to blocking me a few times, I have been refered to as uncaring, unromantic, unserious and a terrible person. Recently, I have been rather aloof and unserious because I’m just so sick of the mood swings and constant belittlement. I suspect I am currently blocked. Her last message to me can be summed up with;
“I’m so stressed about this, I need some space, when I see you all I feel is negative things, now you’re saying I have to work for you to redo (I asked her to work on the process because we’re in a crossroads situation going nowhere, while I’d figure out a redo), atleast I’m still showing interest in us at all (she thinks I don’t care at all and I’m not trying, as if I don’t work enough hours to support us both, and I’m always around to help her in whatever she needs; I love to help), the more I think about it, the less I want a proposal from you at all, I always wanted it but I’m slowly learning to hate it, I’ll find a job to work on the proposal but I need to rid myself of the proposal, it’s like a disease, we jumped into marriage and I’m trying to cope with that, just dont say anything and let me do what I got to do, I realise I expect too much of you (truth or bluff?), lets just focus on us, I’m really trying hard to work on us (I’ve heard it a lot before, the proposal always comes back and screws everything up. We’ll have a week of being great, but a mention of the proposal with make it all meaningless), I can’t be there for you 100 percent right now, please understand”.
The last thing I said was “I understand, I’ll give you as much time as you need. also, it’s not about working for me, we’re working on ourselves remember. I love you so much.”
Bees, I have nothing but love for her. I have devoted so much time, effort and money into her and this relationship, and I’d hate for this to end. I’d rather fight to make it all better, but lately I have been overwhelmed. I suspect we’re both in the wrong, but I want to hear critisisms aimed at both of us. We cannot simply sit down with a therapist or counsellor as we are so far apart, and now married, I cannot risk entering her country as I could face deportation. I will answer all further questions you may have.