Everything is falling apart, please help!

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 31
Hostess
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Wow. Just wow. Never in my life have I heard of someone more ungrateful than your WIFE. She IS your wife, you ARE married as much as she wont admit that. The issues here are much deeper than the proposal and redoing it with a new ring will change nothing. My opinion is that she’s using you and not in love with you and no diamond or big wedding will make up for that. I’m so sorry you’ve put so much loving energy and resources into this relationship. I’d contact a divorce attorney asap if I were you.

Post # 32
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 This is the perfect example of “treat em mean, keep them keen”.

Post # 33
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

You’re in over your head, mang.  I’m not sure why you still want to be with someone who uses and gaslights and abuses you the way you say she does.  “Everything” is not falling apart – the facade that you built up and the pedestal you put her on is what’s falling apart.  You elevated her to some kind of goddess status and she allowed you to, and then took advantage of that power.  So you are at least partly responsible for this situation, although that doesn’t excuse her for being a jerk.  Let her go, dissolve the marriage, and work towards a better sense of self-confidence rather than dependence on someone else.  I would recommend finding a good counselor.

ETA: I agree with the others that your jokes about a “younger model” are weird considering you’re still really really young.  I would recommend coming up with some new content because those are not hitting the mark you think they are.

Post # 34
Member
5017 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
lover27 :  Well, then your father is both unfunny and a misogynist and you shouldn’t emulate him.  Sorry he was such a poor example to you growing up that you thought that was funny.  Spoiler alert: your mom isn’t laughing because she thinks it’s funny.  She’s laughing to be polite and not hurt his feelings because she loves him and because she knows he couldn’t actually get a “younger model” if he wanted to because the odds of another woman putting up with that schtick are pretty low.

Women (although I’m pretty sure this transcends genders) don’t like being referred to as objects.  They don’t like being made to feel they are disposable or replaceable.  Cloaking it as a “joke” doesn’t make it more acceptable – it just means you don’t actually know how to be funny or tell a joke.  And when you’re 24 talking about a 23 year old and finding a “younger model” then that’s not only misogynistic, but also extra creepy because there isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room for younger there that doesn’t have you treading into statutory rape and pedophilia territory.

Don’t.  Just don’t.  Despite what your dad thinks, it’s not actually cute or charming or funny.

Post # 35
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
lover27 :  All I can remember she says now is “what do you want?”

Sounds like she’s tired of the facade and now you’re getting how she really feels.  Gotta admit  she’s good…. just too young to know how to keep a sucker hooked on the line without sacrificing more than she willing to. 

That’s what all this hot/cold behavior is coming from.  It’s all to keep you “kerfuffled”.  That way you never really know where she’s coming from and since you can’t confirm that she’s shady…….won’t simply walk away.  As P Diddy put it a while back….it’s all about them Benjamins baby.  Not only are you being played but you are playing yourself because you are doing things you know you shouldn’t be doing.  You can’t buy love dude, you’ll end up broke and lonely.  Aren’t you already headed that way?

Moot point though cause as I said she’s tiring of the game.  She doesn’t have it in her to keep this up much longer.   Sorry if this sounds harsh but it seems like harsh is what you need right now.

Post # 36
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
lover27 :  

Dude. Is she 13 years old? If not, she may as well be. 

You are addicted to this woman. There is absolutely nothing in this relationship that benefits you, and everything that hurts and drags you down. Does any of it feel familiar? The dynamic or the person? Anyone from long ago? You may want to close your eyes, try to relax, ask that question and see what bubbles up.

As for your wife, yes wife; she is not your gf, it’s a legal fact. Stop playing make believe. It’s terrible for your mental health. It sounds quite unlikely that your wife has any desire or capacity to change. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Let’s take a look at her character:  she was quite willing to take your money. She sure didn’t mind your buying furniture for her apartment. She was screwing around with her ex while being involved with you. But, anything to do with reciprocating your love and affection is repugnant to her. Oh, she’ll put on an act from time to time, to ensure that you stay hooked in. And that is exactly why you are so locked on to this woman.

In the field of Behavioral Psychology, there is a concept known as intermittent reinforcement. Think of slot machines in Las Vegas.  You put your money in, nothing comes out. Do you just walk away and go back to your hotel room? Not likely. Most people will give it another try. How many tries they’ll give it is an individual thing. But, the point is, people generally don’t get discouraged and quit the first time a slot machine fails to deliver.

Now, think about a soda machine. You put your money in. Nothing comes out. Now what? A lot of people will give it one more try. Nobody is going to stand in front of the machine, pouring money into it with no soda coming out. 

Yet, being glued to the slots is a Vegas staple.

That is the power of intermittent reinforcement. You’re willing to keep playing the slots because you know the reward could come at any pull. You won’t play the soda machine because you quickly realize that no reward is coming.

Intermittent reinforcement makes a behavior very difficult to extinguish. The periodic reinforcement keeps us repeating the behavior over and over.

Your wife is your slot machine. Every now and then, your attention and affection gets some reinforcement and you are pulled right back in even more tightly.

These types of bonds are very hard to break, but break them, you must. You’re wrecking yourself. I suggest Dr Patrick Carnes’ book, The Betrayal Bond, and you may want to do a little research on Stockholm Syndrome. Breaking this kind of addiction probably requires some professional guidance and support.

Post # 38
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
lover27 :  

The ‘younger model’ joke is only funny to guys.

Talk to a UK attorney. The country may well recognize a foreign marriage and grant your divorce, if you meet the criteria for establishing residency. A lawyer can guide you through that.

Post # 40
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah dude, this girl is awful you need to pull the plug on this relationship right now. Stop paying for anything, and get a lawyer to handle your annullment or divorce. You might have spent a ton of money on this mistake but just call it the price of learning a very valuable lesson for the future. Maturity is very important. Understanding and empathy is even more important. My mom always told me I wanted to end up with someone who cherished me and who I cherished. Cherishing someone is so much deeper and more profound than puppy love which is what it sounds like you have with this girl. Look up the word cherish and ask yourself if you really think she feels that way about you. 

Next time you are thinking of proposing to someone communicate with them more on it in advance. Ask the girl what style rings she wants and if she could email you some photos of her style. That will not only give you time to talk through any questions about marriage with a woman, but make sure you can get a ring that she would like. Communication is key. I mean do you even know if you and your wife are compatible? Have you ever asked her how she would raise any future kids? How you both feel about religion? What kind of lifestyle you would want to have as a family? Do you spend money in the same way? I am willing to bet that you never had any serious life conversations with her that you should have had to even know if she was the right fit for you long term. 

Things my boyfriend and I have discussed as we are moving towards getting engaged this year:

– We are different religions, we decided to raise any kids we would have Catholic (his religion) 

– We discussed raising kids and how we would handle that. We both are happy with me being a stay at home mom at some point. 

– We discussed our families and our style of family and how much time we would spend with each other’s famiies. We met and spent extended time with both our families and we all get along great which was good to know. 

– We discussed moving for his job when promotions come up in future as he would be the potential bread winner for the family when I am staying at home with kids. 

– We discussed our ideas of what a clean home would look like. We moved in together and found we have the same standards for keeping our house clean and it is easy and no arguing about chores. 

– We discussed spending money and both have a similar style of spending habits and both enjoy travel. 

 

There are more things we have discussed along the way. ALL of these things are topics you should talk out BEFORE proposing to someone and getting married. Because Love isn’t enough for a sucessful marriage. NOT EVEN CLOSE. 

Good luck. HOpe you learned from this and can move on. If you wanna live in the US, make it happen without having to marry someone to do so. Canada is also pretty awesome, maybe visit there and see how you feel. But it is NEVER a good idea to make someone else responsible for your happiness. Making a relationship with someone in the US a priority to get you away from living somewhere you hate is NOT a healthy idea. 

Post # 41
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

I hope you’ve stopped paying her bills. I’m pretty sure she is fully expecting it, given that she has cut off all communication with you. It’s a horrendous situation but you’ve certainly contributed to it.

You need to do some soul searching. Be honest about what you really want. It almost seems like you just want to marry an American woman as your ticket into the US. Well, if you’re being transactional like that, don’t expect the woman on the other end not to be. 

Post # 42
Member
3074 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This is gonna hurt, but the truth is that this woman genuinely dislikes you and it kind of sounds like she always has. She resents every moment she has to spend with you or talking to you and instead of just breaking up with you like a normal person would, she just ignores you and demeans you. 

I’m sure you’re not perfect either (you sound like the kind of guy who genuinely believes that by spending money on a woman you have the right to her time, attention and affection), but that doesn’t make it ok for her to treat you the way she does.

Basically, you both sound immature and in over your heads. I didn’t see one positive thing in your entire post that gives any indication of *why* either of you are in this “relationship”. This whole thing is a big, stupid, toxic mess and you’ll both be better off just going your separate ways.  Talk to a fucking lawyer, like, yesterday, and end this sham of a “marriage”.

Post # 45
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

View original reply
lover27 :  You’re putting up a lot of defenses and your last sentence about stripping her of her income there is a bit spiteful and worrying.  Obviously you should stop paying for her, yes, but if you’re going to lord it over her then you’re no better than she is.

Bottom line: you screwed up really badly.  You convinced yourself that this woman was something that she’s not, you threw yourself into a terrible situation whole hog, and now you’re in a deep hole (emotionally, but also perhaps financially).  First, stop giving her money.  Second, get a lawyer and get a divorce (do not wait on this to “see how things go” or “see what happens.”).  Third, chalk this up to a really really poor choice on your part and learn from it.

But for heaven’s sake, stop responding with excuses and defenses for yourself.  You came here for advice and every single woman in here has given you the same perspective.

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