Everything is falling apart, please help!

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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lover27 :  My SO has recently told me she needs a man.  That statement right there tells you all you need to know about how she perceives you.  Its just a matter of time before its over now.  You need to decide whether or not you’re gonna do it with dignity.

Get thee to therapy.  I’m serious, you need to understand why you’re a magnet for ill treatment and also to get a backbone.  No one likes a doormat and certainly no one who would want you as a husband wants a doormat.  You have to conciously decide to no longer be that guy but you can’t do it alone so get some help.  

I’m not gonna touch those sexist remarks you made since you’ve already apologized and the bees have said everything that needed to be said.  Just learn from your mistakes because based on your posts you’re only just getting that you’re playing an active part in your misery. 

Post # 63
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

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lover27 :  She didn’t necessarily have to point something out for you to know you were compensating.  We carry a lot of information in our subconscious.  I agree with the previous bee: get thee to therapy.  It’s not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you “weak,” and although it’s uncomfortable, it’s the best way out of your current situation.

Post # 66
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

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lover27 :  It’s a very common thing for men, actually.  A ton of men perceive therapy as a “failure” of some kind because they couldn’t do it themselves, or something something.  But the only failure is if you stand in your own way and refuse to get help in order to improve.  You don’t have to shout to the world that you’re seeing a therapist or anything – you can keep it a very private matter (I recommend that you do).  But there is no shame in having someone assist you in sort of holding up a mirror to your situation and helping you see all the doorways behind you.  If anything, it shows remarkable strength to be able to push past your own insecurities and preconceived notions and get help that really is beneficial.  Most people who refuse to go to therapy do so out of either 1) narcissism or 2) fear.

ETA: I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but my fiance is the most manly of all men.  He is a building engineer and works with steam systems.  He’s a burly dude, and lots of people find him intimidating.  But he sees a counselor when he’s really struggling and actively chooses to do so without any suggestion from me because he knows it makes him a stronger person to sort through his own negative thoughts.

Post # 68
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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lover27 :  She’s right, I’m not a man.   What does this mean exactly?  

You do realize that a happy, healthy relationship doesn’t involve ANY of what you’re going through right?  There’s 2 people in this relationship and yet you seem to believe the problems are 100% your fault.  Where is your request for her to “be a woman” because nothing in your posts say that she’s behaving that way. 

She’s behaving like a child who’s not getting her way and blaming everything on you as if her life was YOUR responsibility to take care of.  What about HER responsibility of taking care of herself?  What about HER responsibility towards YOU….her husband?

Get to that lawyer quick and find out what you need to do to get out of this situation with your dignity intact.

On another note, if you want to be in the US then take the steps to get yourself here but be patient because this will take you a while.

Post # 69
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee

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lover27 :  hey, aside from all aspects of this entire conversation, I hope you can take this to heart and learn from it moving forward:

 

you cannot put someone on a pedestal, cater to their every emotional and financial need, and live with the expectation that they’ll repay you by honoring and cherishing you forever. you cultivate relationships by developing a mutual respect and trust of one another, and neither of those things can be bought. being a “nice guy” isn’t enough—neither is being attractive, thoughtful, or wealthy. please take personal accountability for how you’ve allowed yourself to be treated for so long, and don’t go forth with bitterness or resentment towards women, but know that you’ve gotta experience some personal emotional growth before getting into a healthy relationship. as you are now, you are not in a good mental or emotional place for a good relationship. unfortunately, no one is owed a good partner. evaluate yourself and your life to determine why you’ve been in this current situation for so long (without solely blaming this girl—yeah, she sucks but you’ve allowed her to treat you this way) and how you plan to grow and not allow it to happen again in the future. 

 

with commitment and a true desire to change for the better, a therapist can help you sort through all these things.

Post # 70
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

You need to get yourself into therapy, to understand why you tolerate this kind of treatment.  You will repeat this choice of person again,if not.  Women like to have a partner, but will have no respect if we can walk all over you.  March yourself to therapy!.  

Post # 71
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This woman is an emotionally abusive, lazy imbecile. I would get the hell right on out of there. 

Post # 72
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

You’ve already gotten some great perspective from the other posters.  I’ll try my best to not be redundant but I really do think therapy would be really, really good based on what you’ve said here.  It’s really easy to put all the blame on your wife based on what you’ve written — but it takes two people for this kind of unhealthy dynamic to happen and it also requires you to accept how she’s treating you and the nature of your relationship. Since it is your first relationship I think some of it can come from inexperience and naivety.  But given the gravity of what you’ve described and how long it has gone on I really think there is more to it than that and it takes some self-work to really get to the bottom of it so you don’t end up repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.  Sometimes it comes from anxiety, issues with self-worth, etc. sometimes it’s a factor of the kind of relationships we’ve seen as a model.  (I know you say your parents have a great relationship but sometimes with wisdom and perspective we come to realize our parents’ relationships aren’t as healthy as we or even they may have thought they were.  I love my parents and was raised in a culture where to question their choices is disrespect but have come to realize through therapy, my fiance and watching his parents that a lot of what they do is really unhealthy and that I need to consciously work not to repeat these patterns.)

The good news is you’re still young so if you do work on yourself I think you can have healthier relationships going forward.  Some of my early dating wasn’t very healthy due to my anxiety and sheer lack of awareness/experience of what a healthy relationship looks like but now my relationship with my fiance is amazing and I really do think a lot of that has to do with all the hard work I put in to learn about myself, manage my anxiety and learn from mistakes.

I will say kudos to you as some of what was written here was quite blunt so it would have been easy for you to write everything said here off and not return and I do think your openness will serve you well.  I also think the propensity to want to work on a relationship is, with the right person, a really, really great quality.  I am often shocked online how quickly people are to say someone should dump a person and how quickly people bail at the first bump in the road.  BUT in order for this to be time and effort well spent it really only makes sense if you’re working on a relationship with a strong foundation and you’re working on what’s going to be most effective in moving the relationship forward.

Honestly based on your wife’s actions it makes me wonder if she really did not think this was a relationship that should progress to marriage but didn’t have the maturity to tell you that or selfishly didn’t want to because she knew it might end the relationship and she liked the status quo (which may or may not been rooted in the money).  Or if she liked the idea of the relationship with you more than actually putting in the work to make it a satisfying relationship.  Just because someone has pictures of you on the wall and expresses love to you doesn’t mean they are invested enough in the relationship to make it work as a marriage.

Also you learned you liked the US.  That’s great!  Rather than seeing a relationship to an American as a ticket to come back (which seems like it will up the likelihood you’ll excuse less than desireable elements of a relationship to make this happen) why not look for other legal ways to make it back here that don’t require first dating an American.  Long distance relationships with a foreigner are so, so hard (and can continue to be even after you’re married) so I’m not sure I’d ever intentionally seek one out.  

Post # 73
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee

This is what happens when you marry someone after half a dozen vacations. That being said, I think you are as much of a user as your wife. You wanted a visa, she wanted cars and jewelry.

Post # 74
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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ladyjane123 :  

Cherish is just exactly the right word. 

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