(Closed) Everything is great except for….PLEASE HELP

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: What should I do about my lack luster sex life with fiance?
    Accept it, and try to make it better, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship : (87 votes)
    54 %
    It probably won't get better, but if that's the only thing you have to worry about then be happy : (31 votes)
    19 %
    Sex is important and I don't think you should get married if it's not good : (25 votes)
    16 %
    Other/Explanation below : (17 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 17
    1046 posts
    Bumble bee

    This is a hard one.. I have only slept with one other person besides my husband and it certainly wasn’t all that; my husband is definitely the best I’ve ever had.

    That being said, I have thought about what it would be like to sleep with someone else and wondered if I had missed out on something. These thoughts always vanish quickly because I know that I’m with the man who loves and cares for me, and is the father of my children and the love of my life… what could be more important? Certainly not sex..

    Sex is something that only lasts for a while… there will come a time where it will not be a possibility or even that neither one of you will be interested. I agree with the posters before me who have talked about toys and new sex positions… watch a “movie” to get each other super excited, or just to get some ideas.

    I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and that you are just in the “WTF am I making the right decision or not” phase, and you just happen to be focusing on sex. There are many things that other woman focus on besides sex such as money, religion, age, etc.


    Post # 18
    1057 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @Beluga: “Great sex is not all about the “dream penis” (those also come in silicone, fyi).”


    LOVE THIS! 😀

    Post # 19
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Maybe the issue is not just the sex, but the fact that you have thoughts about someone else (?)  If you have those thoughts, maybe it is more than sex influencing you- because marriage IS so much more than sex?  I am not judging, I had something like this happen to me when I was with someone else.  I think it is very complicated.  Whatever the case, it is good that you are being honest and trying to figure it out.  What I know from my experience is that sex with Darling Husband is about more than the sex because we have a relationship that is commited in a way I never experienced.  It is comfortable and meaningful in a way that means more to me than anything I had with anyone else.  When I was with a different person I was thinking about someone else, and in the end I realized it was a sign that other things were missing.  (This may not be the case for you.)  But if you are having those feelings, it is good that you are trying to figure them out and I encourage you to consider the root issues.  I just know for me, that when I wasn’t satisfied in way I thought was sexual (with that other serious boyfriend), other things were the real issue.  I felt that other boyfriend was replaceable, but I wasn’t getting what I needed, and I ended up not getting what I needed from other boyfriends until I met Darling Husband. 

    I also am a believer in (for lack of a better phrase) “experiencing,” and going around the block- so to say- so that you know what it is that deeply satisfies you on all levels.  I mean- before one settles down of course.  Or, maybe it is just about the sex- then it is something you can probably overcome and try different things together.  I believe a sex life can grow.  And maybe your phase of thinking about it (with the other guy) often will pass.  Every once in awhile I will get what I call a “mind crush” on someone I used to know- when I see them on FB or something (one of the reasons I got off of FB), and I will thinking about them for a couple of days.  I think the grass always looks greener, and I have seen my mother bounce around to different men and never be happy, so I also keep that in mind.  Best wishes to you. 

    Post # 20
    369 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Sex is an important part of your relationship, so rather than getting over it not being good, work together on making it better. It’s all a part of helping your relationship grow.

    Post # 21
    2271 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I married my second husband for LUST, although at the time I confused lust for love. The guy was freaking amazing, he could go for hours every day. Technique, size and everything was totally mind-blowing. Unfortunately he was totally irresponsible when it came to anything having to do with money and was insanely jealous. I mean this guy cried the blues if I read a book rather than pay attention to him. Geesh!

    My new husband is not nearly as good in bed. I attribute a lot of it to his being over weight and his age. But it is acceptable, I mean I can deal with it. I think friendship, the ability to be supportive, good communication and a willingness to work together mean so much more.  I rather have someone who has my back when push comes to shove.

    Post # 22
    5891 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    There’s a fine line between…

    There’s a fine line between… lust being the only glue keeping your relationship together and lust that is an integral,  important and healthy part of a relationship. I’m not a part of the ‘sex doesn’t matter’ camp. I think sex, and good sex, is very, very important. If you aren’t enjoying your sex now, how will you when life gets more complicated with children and aging parents, more job responsibility, etc. The amount of sex will decrease, but your desire for it shouldn’t. I have a friend who married a guy who floated her boat ‘enough’. They had a decent sex life, but rather mediocre. Now 4 years and a child into the relationship, he feel like he always has to beg for it and she spends her time dreading the times she finally gives in.

    There’s a fine line between…marrying someone who is your best friend and marrying someone who is *only* your best friend. There is a reason why we marry someone one that is so much more that being best friends. I don’t have to share life goals with my best friend. I can have issues with my best friend that we just ignore and focus on what is good between us. I don’t have to compromise with my best friend (other than were we eat and what movie to watch). I can bitch to my friend about things that I couldn’t with my Darling Husband. Two totally different relationships. I came to the realization; I didn’t want to marry my best friend.  I married my Favorite Person. He has some of the attributes of a best friend, but so much more. And one important one is the sex. 

    There’s a fine line between…longing for another person because it a sign you shouldn’t be with this person and a sign that you are subconsciously scared and trying to create emotional distance. I’m lucky that my Darling Husband is better endowed than my ex, and we have great sex. But my ex and I had the most mind blowing sex (mostly because we didn’t see each other very often and the sessions where much longer).

    I noticed that the closer I got to my Darling Husband emotionally, the more I thought about my ex. Sometimes you don’t realize that you are moving closer together since it sorta slowly happens. It got to the point where I would catch myself thinking about the ex and I’d immediately start to think about what happened with Darling Husband to trigger those thoughts. I realized the more intense my thoughts of ex, the more intense the closeness between my Darling Husband and I. (Don’t get me started on the crazy thoughts I had after our parents met and the fathers started to ‘argue’ about who would be the little league coach.)

    Being with the ex, and thinking about the ex, was safe. Getting closer to Darling Husband felt great, but on some level, very scary; there is a lot of risk involved with opening your heart.

    Only you can figure out which side of the line you are. But use the other guy as a factor or comparison. This decision should be based on what is going one between the two of you, not what could have been or might be with someone else. Answer this…if in 5-10 years, you divorce the current guy, will you be able to look back and say, “I knew it wouldn’t work because…” I’m always surprised at how many people are able to look back and see the signs.

    Post # 23
    348 posts
    Helper bee

    I think you need to differentiate between the physical sensations (which, as previous posters have noted, can be achieved through the use of toys) and the chemistry you have with your fiance.  If it’s really just about the physical sensations, then you can come up with solutions.  I think that a lack of chemistry, however, might be a red flag.  Penis aside, do you think your fiance is hot?  Do you ever just look at him and go a little weak-kneed?  This might sound cheesy, but I think that physical chemistry is incredibly important for maintaining a bond that will get your relationship through its rougher moments.

    Post # 24
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I had this same experience with my Fiance…we started dating years ago, and the sex was great 😀 (mind you, we were 18, so any sex at that age is GREAT…looking back on it now, it was mediocre but new lol) 

    I went off to college, and we drifted apart a bit. I began dating someone else and it was mind blowing, hot, passionate sex. ALL the time. He was well endowed, could just about throw me around in bed, did things I thought were only reserved for the gods. It was a complete change, something I thought I could never live without. But there was nothing special, no connection like with me and my now-fiance. I ended after a short time and began dating my Fiance again.

    But oh, how I missed the sex…I thought I would never get satisfied the same again.Fi isn’t small, he’s possibly a bit bigger than average, but there was no fireworks going off in bed. He lasted long enough, but not the hours I was used to from ex. I felt doomed, even though every single other aspect of our relationship was GREAT.

    What I did, was tried very very hard to consciously rid my thoughts of ex. The more I thought about him, the more I romanticized what we had. I mentally made it out to be better than it was. The less I thought about ex, the closer Fiance and I got emotionally and the better sex got. I learned that thinking about ex less allowed ME to be better in bed with Fiance.

    I realized that when I was romanticizing all the times with ex, I wasn’t available for Fiance sexually. I would just lay there and think “why can’t this be better” Now that I’ve cleared MY mind, sex is AMAZING! I became more and more open to actually doing things with Fiance instead of pouring over every last detail. In the end, it was more about my mental blocks instead of FIs lack of skills.

    Post # 25
    32 posts
    • Wedding: June 2011

    If what you’re missing is the sensation from your ex’s specific shape, you should look into the njoy wands.  OMG, amazing!

    Post # 26
    1536 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @ronnierogers: if you’re worried about the size and shape you can always try getting a penis extender for your man. Go to a porn store and casually browse through till you get to that section and say something like, “Oooh I’d love to try one of these so I can hit my g-spot better with you, I’d much prefer you with that than a toy ;)” If you say it the right way he won’t be offended.

    You can always improve sex, but you can’t always improve that bond between two people. If he’s worth it to you than you’ll make it work.

    Post # 27
    620 posts
    Busy bee

    I’ll say this …then leave it back to you ladies…lol

    Fantasizing about sex with the other guy could be destructive to your relationship especially if you are masturbating or thinking about him while you are with your Fiance.

    The reason is during orgasm oxytocin is released.  This makes people have a trust/bonding feeling with the person.  The effect oxytocin has on women towards this bonding/trust is more than it has on men (in general).

    If size is your thing, you are probably better off picking some porn star to fantasize about (if you must go in that direction) rather than a real person.  You will definitely have feelings if you see this other guy because of your fantasies. 

    You do have a choice to block it out and as soon as you start thinking about it …stop.  Think about what comes with it.  If it is something you would have to hide form your Fiance, think about that.

    Sometimes they have found it has something to do with the relationship dynamics.  Perhaps you might think of what other elements of the relationship was different besides size.

    Good Luck 

    Post # 28
    402 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @Tseay – as for relationship is what matters most… and,

    @jemimichelle (sp?) – … only lasts a while

    I think I’m a bit older than a lot of you gals, but (one of my grandmas lived to be 101) and the other who was 97 when she died was having sex with her husband (my step-grandpa) at 90! My great Aunt is going strong (having buried two husbands) and with two boyfriends and is sexually active at 86!

    So, I personally think sex does last ‘forever’ and that it is one of the glues that bind in a relationship.  It’s true my new husband and I have mind-blowing sex (TMI) but we have lots of other issues (another post)!  But the original PP quietly mentions something about her man losing his erection during sexual activity, and I think this may be worth paying some attention to, psychologically.  As for thinking of past BFs, I think it’s healthy and normal (love it, in fact) but in this case, our fellow Bee is reaching out and saying she’s doing so cause she’s got some doubts about her man and that’s worth paying attention to, too.

    Post # 29
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @ronnierogers: If you are thinking about another man in bed every single day, then you are doing a great disservice to the man who thinks he’s your fiance.

    Post # 30
    37 posts

    I just had to comment on this one.  I am in my 30’s and never been married.  I have had MORE than my fair share of partners, and I know this sounds horribly mean, but my boyfriend is definitely in the bottom 10% when it comes to sex.  His main deal isn’t his size, or bad hygiene or anything like that, but he has ZERO enthusiasm and he never really tries.  Not only that, but he has never once initiated it and probably has sex with me one time out of every 20 times I try to have sex.  My boyfriend just doesn’t like sex, period.  Never has, probably never will.

    It’s caused many fights between us over the last year or so, but in the past 2 months, I have grown to accept it.  I am in a much better place now because I learned to look at all the great things I love about him.  The way he treats me makes me super aroused and I think he is soooo attractive because of how much he loves and cherishes me.  If he didn’t treat me so good, I would hate having sex.  But he is so wonderful to me that the sex is great, because it’s with HIM.

    That’s what gets me through the tough times.  It doesn’t help that my sex drive is practically through the roof.  It’s our only major incompatibility.

    Post # 31
    3306 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would try to help you Fiance improve- I am going through something similar except I really do not want to be intimate with anyone else. That thoughts makes me sick and feel dirty so don’t stray too far. Help you Fiance

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