Everything perfect aside from the sex… due to marry next year

posted 2 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds lile like you’ve gotten into a rut. You say you hate feeling like it’s forced, but have you tried spicing things up with lingerie, massage oils, etc? Also  what about a quick weekend away to shake things up? It sounds like you both have just gotten comfortable with the mundane day to day life. It happens, but that’s why relationships are work. It doesn’t have to be hard work, but relationships do require “maintenance” time  and vacations are great for that. Again, it doesn’t have to be a big expensive vacation, but getting out of your ordinary routine might spice things up a bit.

Post # 3
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Been there bee. FH and I have hit some slow patches in our sex life. Moving in together was a blow, a health scare was another, my job change was probably the biggest. The important thing was that during this time we both acknowledged it was happening and that we still loved each other. 

Once we moved in together the “jump your bones” desire subsided. It didn’t disappear entirely, but it was less. You’re seeing someone every day; at their best, and at their worst. Beard clippings around the sink, mmmm so sexy. Skid mark left in the toilet bowl… I’m so horny. 

FH and I have made a conscious effort to have two date nights a month during during the school year. I’m a high school teacher and at my job I consciously turn off my sexuality. I look like I could be in high school myself and boys are horn dogs who say some wacky stuff. We’re more spontaneous in the summer and during winter breaks.

Sex drive ebbs and flows with life stress, both good and bad. I suggest talking with your OH and coming up with a way to reignite your sex life. 

Post # 4
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

blumaroo90 :  bee, you’ve got to make a regular appointment and put it on the calendar, or it won’t happen. I’m serious. 

I know that doesn’t seem “spontaneous” but you can still discover – and rediscover- intimacy within a scheduled, regular time. 

Try it – pick a day once a week, make an appointment and actually put it on the calendar. Then set the time aside. Do whatever has you feel sexy and anticipatory and set the mood. 

Even if you’re not “feeling it,” you can get yourself in the mood by taking it slow and just connecting. There doesn’t even have to be pressure around the date that sex *has* to happen- it’s more getting naked and connecting playfully – and making sure to leave all business outside the room. DO keep this time sacred – the one rule is no bringing discussions of stuff that must be done. 

 

Good luck, bee. This is not unusual and it’s not insurmountable!

Post # 5
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Darling Husband and I have had peaks and troffs over the years, I find that when I stop stressing myself out about it and overthinking it (not saying you are overthinking, I just do) it picks itself back up again. When in doubt, buy yourself something slinky that you feel amazing in (you feeling confident is keyyy) do your hair all big and sexy spritz on some perfume and wait for him to come on home! That always breaks us us out of a rut Xx 

Post # 6
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think it’s important to ask yourself if it bothers you because you’re feeling unsatisfied sexually, or if it bothers you because you feel like you *should* have more drive than you guys do? 

I struggle with the same thing. My fiance and I don’t have super high sex drives. Sometimes we have sex a bit more but often we will go weeks without it. And sometimes I worry that it means there is something wrong but, honestly? There isn’t. We are happy. We have a great relationship. We value and love and supptone another. We make each other feel wanted. We just don’t have a tonne of sex. When we do have it, it’s a good time and we both say we should do it more lol but we just don’t. 

Try not to judge yourselves by what you think is normal or what you think you are supposed to be doing. Judge the health of your relationship on how fulfilled you both feel and whether anything is missing or feels truly off and if it does, address it as a team. 

Post # 7
Member
4373 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

In your  post you say you have infrequent sex and then go on to say a sexless relationship. Which one is it?

Post # 8
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Dude, I feel ya… following along. 

Stress can seriously kill your sex life + being busy + shitty work schedules. We get married in a few months and it’s not very frequent for us either. Try not to compare too much to the other couples. Instead focus on loving on eachother and finding intimacy in whatever ways feel right. Even if that’s not just sex. There’s still lots of benefits you can get from cuddling!

Post # 9
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’re making it into an issue when there isn’t any, and that’s making the matter worse (forced in your own words). 

Society makes you think that everyone is having regular sex and if you’re not, something is wrong with your relationship. We went through that after about 2 years together. He thought I wasn’t into him anymore. But by his own admission he isn’t feeling all that horny most of the time either. And we did try to make more of an effort, which is fine sometimes but still, nowhere near how frequently we used to do it. We’ve accepted that it’s normal for us and we love each other, nothing is wrong with our relationship.

That being said, sometimes it IS a bit of laziness and we do make a conscious effort. I also found with less quantity, the quality of the sex also improved (instead of forcing more frequent sex but not actually feel like it / not enjoy it).

If you just relax and accept that you love each other and you’re both comfortable with the current frequency (if ignoring what you THINK is normal), I think things would improve. And of course you still need to make an effort but it won’t feel like you’re both under pressure.

 

Post # 10
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

I have to say, I’m just like you. Once I get into a routine in life, and if life is specifically stressfl intimicy is not the first priority anymore, which I think is normal. On the other hand, being intimate really ties two people to each other. When you consider your partner or anyone, you have to be able to picture each other being intimate. Otherwise, what’s the difference between best buddies and lovers?

Make some conscious effort to incorporate sex into your life more, wear some nice underwear, go get a full body wax etc. These things help. 🙂 best of luck. 

Post # 11
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

blumaroo90 :  I honestly think it’s normal for many couples.  Dh and I used to go at least once a night and often twice.  Now I’m happy with once a week to once a fortnight.

Life is busy, we are stressed, we are on different schedules etc. 

I used to worry about it, but at the end of the day neither of us are concerned so what’s it matter?

I find something that helps is to promote more intimacy.  Don’t worry about the sex, but start with making sure you kiss him once a day, give each other backrubs, say sweet things etc.  That can often build back up to a more comfortable connection that will sometimes naturally lead to sex. 

Also make sure your fitness levels are okay.  I let myself get so unfit it got to the point where I almost had asthma attacks during sex.  Now I regularly excercise and the act doesn’t seem so strenuos. 

Post # 13
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Could there be outside factors to consider? My fiance and I talked about our drop, and we realized that the dog we adopted hinders our sleep… We’re also trying to take better care of ours bodies by eating healthier and losing weight. It’s improved a bit, and it will continue to if we keep working at it and communicating. I hope you figure out what it is, but don’t feel like you’re alone in this. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Old married one here. I want to preface this with, Im a cancer patient right now so my sex drive isnt even at ground level, buttttt and this is a big but,

Sex doesnt go on forever like it is in the honeymoon phase of the dating. By 30 a man’s testosterone level drops 1-3% a year until eventually it goes almost completely. Also as a previous poster mentioned, not all married people are having wild raucous sex every night of the week or even once a week. 

Life can get very mundane, also you are planning a wedding which means there is added stress. My Dear H and I set aside a date night, at least once or twice a week so that we can reconnect. Now that reconnection doesnt necessarily mean sex, it could just be cuddling or touching and being in each other’s company and not talking about anything related to work or health related.

There are going to be highs and lows, dont let some imaginary expectation of what you think others are doing keep you from enjoying what appears to be an otherwise happy and fulfilling relationship.

Hubby and I both had incredible drives when we got together, but it dipped off a little, went back up, dipped off again. Its just a matter of whats happening in our lives. Right now Im receiving chemotherapy, my hair is falling out, and im puking my guts up., not exactly in the mood for sex. 

Hubby isnt exactly turned on when he has to hold my head up and putting a wet towel on my neck while im throwing up, and he isnt exactly turned on that he has to bodily carry me from the bathroom floor to the bed because Im so weak I cant stand, but I know he loves me and I know it wont always be this way. 

In my case I would much rather have the intimacy associated with his love than the physical act of sex. Just my take.

Post # 15
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

blumaroo90 :  Have you tried doing something naughty together, like watching adult movies, or visiting a sex shop for oils and maybe even toys? My fiancé and I are so busy we’re once or twice a week, if we’re lucky! We do date nights, and sometimes stop at our local sex shop for fun. Keeping the spice going like shopping for lingerie, or putting something sexy on can boost sex drive. How about texting sexy thoughts to each other during the day? It’s definitely normal to have ups and downs in he sex department, but I totally get your concern. I think if you take time to add a little sexiness to your routine, you might spark that fire again. Because you adore each other so much, your relationship is healthy, so I wouldn’t stress about it. Just take time to think about how sexy he is to you when you’re not with him. You might work yourself up enough to want to jump his bones the minute you get home! 

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