- 7 years ago
Guys, I need your input.
I know this has been touched on before, and I know to many, these seems like a silly issue – however, I am finding myself really struggling here with “trying to keep up.”
Here’s some background, I’m 30 years old, married, mother to a 5 & 3 year old, works full time.
I constantly, constantly feel like I cannot ever live up to the expectations that are put upon me.
My husband is a semi-professional athlete who is often out of/away from home. I would say our “household duties” are split 85/15 – the 85% being me. His income covers the bulk of bills and payments, whereas I take care of the “at home” things, from exterior maintenance, to upkeep, chores, as well, I am the primary caregiver for our children and arrange transportation to/from childcare. I also run the vast majority of the household errands (groceries, shopping, etc) as well as preparing breakfast, dinner, lunches, etc. My husband’s main interaction with our children basically consist of running around the living room and playing with them for an hour before bed – he is “too busy” or “too tired” the rest of the time. Due to his profession, my husband holds physical activity in the highest regard, and attending the gym 3-5 times a week is something he “expects” of me. He is very dependent on me to “help him” out, or run errands for him. Nearly every time I leave the house, he is calling or texting me to “remember to pick up” any number of items, yet gets angry when I have gone over budget – failing to see, it has been his multiple requests for things to “pick up on the way home” that has put us there. He just expects that money will be there for the things he wants at any given time. He gets upset that I am not “taking fitness seriously” if I can only work out an hour, instead of 2, and if I leave my workout in a state any less than almost puking (please note, I do not have a weight/health issue, nor does he perceive me to – he has a very strong sense of “go hard or go home”, and thinks physical activity should drain you like this to be effective) He gets upset if dinner is not prepared exquisitely, or we run out of apples, or that our children were developing at the physical and emotional “average” and not beating the average by months in advance (ie – he wanted to take our son to a pediatrician because he was not walking by 7 months, and expected our daughter to be toilet trained at 15 months) I fear for the days ahead where they will inevitably not always receive straight A’s, and the pressure he will place upon them. I feel that he has extremely unrealistic expectations of the world around him, and I am beginning to suffer because I am taking it all so personally. I truly put my best effort forward every day, but I am hitting a brick wall. There are not enough hours in the day to successfully care for 2 children + go to work + work out + prepare dinner + next day’s lunches + clean + chores + errands, +, +, +…. He expects me to do it all, timely and effectively, so his time off can be devoted entirely to allowing himself to rest. He says he needs my help because he feels disconnected from home because he is gone so often, and he needs to make sure the household is run smoothly in his absence. I have never done anything to make him believe things would be anything less than smooth – however, his expectations are getting outrageous.
In addition, my family & friends expect more than I am capable of giving at this time. My home-based priorities have rendered me unavailable for a social life, and my friends are disappointed in me. I am very close with my parents, and I am getting a near-constant guilt trip from them as well. I believe it’s because I am starting to half-ass things in my tired, worn out attempt to “do it all” – sorry I couldn’t come to the reunion – I had to run a half marathon. Sorry I couldn’t attend Thanksgiving dinner – I was ironing all the shirts. Sorry you feel I am not being attentive enough to the things around me – I am trying to remember the never-ending list of things to do. My confidence is basically non-existent at this point. I haven’t taken time for myself in years, seriously. The last time I tried, I was gifted a pedicure, and was interrupted 3 times within an hour by my husband’s frantic texts, asking me to run errands and help him with various things – ie, “can you leave early to come home and find the receipt for the lawn mower”, etc. Things that should be fun are basically devoid of all enjoyment now because I know I will inevitably either “do things wrong”, or be interrupted 40 times to be nagged to do things.